If you've been left behind...how do you do cope?

[courts0818]

So...it's probably been 11 months since I last posted. And sadly, I'm still in the same miserable place. My husband stated his unhappiness 14 months ago and come October he's been out of our house for 1 year. The truth is...I have read DB, but it's been a long time ago. I've tried everything I know to do and everything I never thought I would do and I'm still here - in limbo. Letting him decide if I'll ever be good enough.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting tonight. Probably bc we were texting and he told me he doesn't feel anything for me. IDK why I'm crushed, but I am. I'm clueless as to what I should do.

I'm trying to stay strong for myself and our 3 year old daughter, but I'm breaking. It's so hard to keep love in my heart for him when I'm so angry for what he's doing to my daughter and I. And I'm so fed up with marriages being treated like some casual high school relationship. And I'm tired of this lame excuse people give about not being happy - too bad! You made a commitment, stick by it. Do EVERY last thing you can to save your marriage. You owe to yourself, your spouse, your family, your children and God.

How can you live with yourself when you run away, refuse to acknowledge the pain you cause, and won't talk about anything? Do you care about anyone but yourself?

Sorry...this is just a vent. But I feel like I could blow up.

If you are the spouse that has been left, how are you holding up? How can you do this? How long have you been waiting? How do you cope even when you are constantly being hurt?

[walterh]

Courts,

I am very sorry to hear that your sitch has not improved. As you know there are many wise members on here that will tell you many things. Some work, some don't because we, along with the dynamic of our relationships, are all different. I am not very far along into my seperation (2 weeks, bomb on 7 July 09) but papers have already been filed. Doing something(s) to make yourself better will help (exercise, hobby, etc.). You may or may not have already done these, but one thing that I key in on that you said is "Letting him decide if I'll ever be good enough". Why let him decide? It is YOUR choice on how you feel about YOURSELF for you and your daughter.

While I created most of the problems that resulted in my STBX asking for a divorce, the things that have helped me the most is finding joy in my children and improving myself. Yes, I slip back 15 times a day but I am finding things that make me happy too. Seek out and embrace those things out that give you hapiness.

Sounds like you guys still communicate about the R. When I moved out a few weeks back I went to LC and it helped some intially, but I was somewhat doing it for the wrong reasons. I see now that LC/NC is soley for ME and why would I want to communicate with someone about a r that they have already deemed hopeless. Yes, it's hard and it hurts, but for me it hurts less than hearing that it is over again and again.

Like I said, I am a rookie to all of this but I just wanted to pass along what has haleped me SOME.

[dday101798]

I've tried everything I know to do and everything I never thought I would do and I'm still here - in limbo. Letting him decide if I'll ever be good enough.

What have you tried? What have you done to show your H you are someone he'd want to re-invest himself in?

[courts0818]

"Letting him decide if I'll ever be good enough" - I said that bc I feel like I'm here waiting for him to decide if he wants to stay married, if he will ever move back home, if he will finally decide to try counseling and so on. He knows that I don't want a divorce so I feel like he gets to call all of the shots.

I do try to focus on myself and my daugther. But, sometimes it gets to be too much. Especially bc the nights at home are so lonely. And I do a lot of fun things with my daughter - trips to the zoo, farmer's market, play dates, bike rides, crafts and so forth - but I can't stop my thoughts from wishing we were doing these things as a family.

As for what I have tried and what I have done to show my H he should re-invest himself in me - - Well, that's a tuff one bc I'm on this emotional roller coaster. I'll go a few days feeling good, like I can do things on my own and then I'll crash and feel horrible that we aren't together.

For the past 11 months (since he's been gone) I have cried, pleaded, asked him to talk (which he has refused to do or says he doesn't know what he wants), sent text messages and emails, wrote letters, told him I would change, etc...Yes, I know all big no nos. But, that was bascially my inital reaction.

I tried completing the Love Dare (DK if you are familiar), but in a Godly manner tried loving him through this and doing thoughtful things for him while really working on myself.

Met with a counselor at church. Met with a lawyer to learn more about the divorce process (that was a reaction to him taking a week off of work and going on a vacation to FL without even telling me he was going - he didn't bother to tell me until he was already there. He left me alone to take care of our daughter for 10 days).

At times I stopped communicating with him. Other times I've told him off - bascially telling him to go to hell and get out of my life. I have GPS tracked him and showed up at his current residence - since he didn't share with me where he was living.

I told him he had to move back home or start counseling by the end of July and that didn't happen. I've attended family functions with him and also decided not to go with him at times.

I tried setting up a schedule so that he couldn't just pop in to our house (which he is still paying every bill for) whenever he felt like it. But, we've fallen back off that. And lately as the 1 year mark is moving closer, I've really been trying to force conversations regarding our future. Not a good idea and I know this - but there is something that is really eating away at me about him being gone for a year. I want him to start counseling or take a step towards us or I don't know if can or want to keeping hanging on.

And I know lots of ppl won't agree, but I keep our daugther 95% of the time. Some ppl will think I'm letting him off too easy or not making him be responsible, but her safety and well being is the most important thing to me. And if she's with me - I know the enviroment she's in, I know she's safe, I know she's comfortable and secure. Not that my husband would put her in a bad enviorment - I just feel like she needs the stability of her home. He does come here to see her, takes her to his parents to visit, etc...but she usually stays with me - which is what I've asked for countless times.

So...as I sit and think about everything and my actions - am I being a woman he would like to re-invest in? Well, probably not. But, I'm holding up the best that I can. I'm sure I sound like a hot mess.

I hope you don't have this image of a crying, pathetic, whiny, depressed woman bc that's not me. I'm venting. For the most part (although I do have bad days) I have maintained my sense of humor, bubbily, positive attiude. But I do feel like I'm breaking especially when he says things like he doesn' feel anything for me. That is just so hurtful. And true love is not just a feeling - it's a choice. We make the choice to love someone. It kills me to think he's making the choice to not love me.

Thanks for reading... : ( Courtney