Alone, Lost, Unloved & Deserve Better

[Livingalone101]

I have been married 29 years to my husband who I am deeply inlove with.
our marriage has been hard at times as we were married when I was 16 and didn't get a user manual to learn from so we made mistakes along the way.
He had multiple affairs up until the last ten years.
He has put me on a pedistal and
This past year I told him that I also had an affair back in 1989 that lasted 2-1/2 years.
I wasn't inlove with this man - I just wanted the attention and soaked it up I guess.
He took this news very hard - still can't believe I would have ever done this. I have no contact with this man anymore and have completely changed myself for my husband to see how bad I felt and how sorry I was and I showered him with attention. But he grew distant from me in the 8 months since I told him, even though at one point I felt we were going to be OK and he was working through it telling me he was inlove with me and he was happy with me.
a month ago he lost another family member and went to the funeral without me (he has lost 4 family members before this in the last 8 months including a parent , brother and sister)
anyways he didn't come back home and its been a month, he called me after 2 weeks there and said he is in a relationship with someone else and he wanted a divorce.
I told him I didnt want one and if he did he would have to file which he has not done yet and I am hoping he won't with the thought that maybe he will change his mind at some point.
He is with someone who is not his type at all. I was a very loving, kind person who went out of my way to make him feel like a king. I love him more this past year than I ever have in my life and the fact he feels different is killing me.
I have never lived alone and we have always done for eachother.
any advise would be appreciated. I am so unhappy that sometimes I feel I can't go on one more day, I am hurt and really am a good person. I cant understand how he can do things our whole marriage and I forgive him and give him chance after chance but when he finds out I did something bad also he throws me away like a piece of garbage and makes me feel like the last 29 years meant nothing to him.

[d1adsl5a]

Welcome Living Alone:

Glad you found this site. There are no promises. Only people here to help you cope. Help support you. You will read by my thread, after 15 years of marriage, my wife came home one day and said she is done. Four months later she is still done. We are living like roommates. Have 3 sons. Everyday sucks. But somehow you find the strength to carry onto the next day. I have good days and bad. Last two days have been good. The weekend was horrible. The first few months of this are pure torture.

Somehow you find a way to start to carry on day after day. It will get a bit easier as time goes on. This is something they have to figure out for themselves. I have made every mistake you can make in dealing with my situation. I still do. But the people on this site are always supportive. You will find many that coach you, there situations didn't work out. You might be saying what they did didn't work. I question them all the time.

But when the day is done, that isn't the end result you are going for. It is getting your soul through this pain. The pain that is there 24/7. The pain that makes you cry at the oddest times, the pain that wont let you eat, the pain that won't let you sleep.

Hang in there. You never know. Listen, Read, Read and Learn....

Trust me, this is coming from someone who hopes nothing more than for his wife to love him again..We all have hope here.

[Livingalone101]

Thank you so much for your reply.

This is pure torture and the pain I feel is worse than anything I have ever felt.
I just want to be happy and have someone who loves me for who I am unconditionally - I hope its him -

You are still living together? What is happening with yours, anything positive at all?

[Golfgirl1]

Yep, the worse pain you will probably every feel in your life.

Hang in there...lots of support here!

[cat04]

I am curious as to why you decided to tell your H that you had an affair almost 20 years ago? Were you at a point where you were not getting what you needed from him again?

This is a difficult place to be but you will find a ton of support if you keep posting.

[d1adsl5a]

I think we all want the same thing. Unconditional Love. I don't think I have had it with my W for a long time.

We are still living under the same roof with our 3 sons. I sleep on the couch. She has divorced my family, my friends. She can't face them because our separation was all her doing. She knows it, they know it. One of the mistakes I did make was telling my family and friends what happened. I know you aren't supposed to because it makes reconcilation that much harder, however, that is something I needed and still need. They have been a great support group for me through this.

Next steps are to keep doing the changes, we are going to Retrouville(catholic marriage encounter) in October.

Really it will come down to if she still wants out, there will come a point where I will just let go and probably file. Not sure she will ever file if it comes to that. I just can't live a platonic, loveless marriage just to stay together for the kids. They need to see a loving family. Right now, they only see mommy and daddy doing separate things(which is her choice). I invite her to everything for which she declines.

With your situation, it sounds like things will just have to run there course. You need to show him you are getting on with your life. No matter how hard it hurts. I have always worked out--that is something to do. I voulenteer now at the American Cancer Society. I got on facebook and reconnected with a bunch of old friends...I take a boxing class now. I do more now than ever with my sons. Just try things you have always thought about..Whatever it takes to get your mind off it for at least an hour....

Be strong. Take Care. Every day it will get a bit better.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hello Living!

And good morning.

This is a great place for support and meeting new friends...or at the very least understanding people.

Look for Brand New Day. Her kids were younger...but her H also moved to another state, and your looking for those rare success stories, right? Well success by your current definition, meaning stories where people stayed married. That definition should change in time to realize the REAL success stories are the people who use this time to become better people and learn how to handle relationships better.

I have two questions for you.
: )

If you had a 1 in a million chance of working this out with your husband, would you take it?
Why?

[Livingalone101]

Hello Living!

And good morning.

This is a great place for support and meeting new friends...or at the very least understanding people.

Look for Brand New Day. Her kids were younger...but her H also moved to another state, and your looking for those rare success stories, right? Well success by your current definition, meaning stories where people stayed married. That definition should change in time to realize the REAL success stories are the people who use this time to become better people and learn how to handle relationships better.

I have two questions for you.
: )

If you had a 1 in a million chance of working this out with your husband, would you take it?
Why?

Yes I would and why? because I am deeply inlove with him and feel like we have so much more good than bad in our years together.
Thanks for your message.

[Livingalone101]

I think we all want the same thing. Unconditional Love. I don't think I have had it with my W for a long time.

We are still living under the same roof with our 3 sons. I sleep on the couch. She has divorced my family, my friends. She can't face them because our separation was all her doing. She knows it, they know it. One of the mistakes I did make was telling my family and friends what happened. I know you aren't supposed to because it makes reconcilation that much harder, however, that is something I needed and still need. They have been a great support group for me through this.

Next steps are to keep doing the changes, we are going to Retrouville(catholic marriage encounter) in October.

Really it will come down to if she still wants out, there will come a point where I will just let go and probably file. Not sure she will ever file if it comes to that. I just can't live a platonic, loveless marriage just to stay together for the kids. They need to see a loving family. Right now, they only see mommy and daddy doing separate things(which is her choice). I invite her to everything for which she declines.

With your situation, it sounds like things will just have to run there course. You need to show him you are getting on with your life. No matter how hard it hurts. I have always worked out--that is something to do. I voulenteer now at the American Cancer Society. I got on facebook and reconnected with a bunch of old friends...I take a boxing class now. I do more now than ever with my sons. Just try things you have always thought about..Whatever it takes to get your mind off it for at least an hour....

Be strong. Take Care. Every day it will get a bit better.

You know out of all this and even it being so raw still I do realize its my time to become my own person, to grow and work on myself and be the best I can be so when a relationship is right for me wether it is with my husband or with another person that I do not bring in old crap from the past to screw it up the next time. It's so hard and I am so scared.

[Livingalone101]

Well this is the part I left out, we had some issues last summer that spilled into the winter months and when my husband went hunting I called this man after 20 years and met him, although we shared only a kiss i do know it was wrong but my husband had a gut feeling when he came home and kept on me until I desided to confess, so I confessed everything I have ever done wrong in my life - looking back I wish I would have taken it all to my grave - this sucks and yes I think I am that stupid to think after all the times I forgave him that he could forgive me too. I didn't know he needed the upper hand to walk away like he did.

I am curious as to why you decided to tell your H that you had an affair almost 20 years ago? Were you at a point where you were not getting what you needed from him again?

This is a difficult place to be but you will find a ton of support if you keep posting.