1.) Today, I felt very liberated and free. I was happy to be back to work and see everyone. 2.) I have been feeling more joy and good about being positive. 3.) I have been thinking about how I can balance keeping my mother company and not feeling bad about getting my space back to develop this feeling of independence. 4.) Started to feel sad by the end of the day. Started to feel a little paniced with lack of hope and feelings of pessimism re: A. (I can't stand when I feel like that). 5.) Tried to talk to myself out of it by thinking of my goals I have for myself and trying to achieve them while I am going dark (again). 6.) Thinking about developing knew relationships with new and healthy people and trusting that A will look for me regardless. I hope!
1.) I don't know why I am having very negative feelings again. 2.) I have had an emotional slide over the last few days. 3.) Things don't feel like they have moved forward very much since January. It seems like every six months, I get a little social crumb from A. 4.) Bad repercussions have happened in the last week. That is what I get for trying to be a good Christian. Certain people have made a mockery out of my trying to be forgiving and kind. I feel like a fool. 5.) My mother (my best advocate) told me to forget about the people who I thought were my friends because the people who really know me know that I am more geniune then they are trying to make me be. I'm sad.
6.) Leaving the gym and waiting to turn at the intersection, I saw A driving by, he saw my car and me but did not wave. It felt strange. a.) I txt him: Hey...I just saw you!!! b.) He txt (right) back: I thought that was you...
I left it at that because I am 'going dark' plus he didn't invite anything else.
7.) I want (so much) to feel better and more positive. I felt angry at him and sorry for myself for believing in him today. Today, I felt a regret for the world that he opened up to me. Today, I felt empty and I wish I could rewind the last seven years. The only thing I would change is to tell him 'I don't'...'No thank you'...and walk away. The pain is too great.
8.) I want very much to heal and forget. People think I am nuts because I do not date they think I am abnormal. I want to disappear when they judge me. I am getting angry at the world.
Lead me from death to life, from falsehood to truth. Lead me from despair to hope, from fear to trust. Lead me from hate to love, from war to peace. Let peace fill my heart, my world, my universe. Amen.
4.) Bad repercussions have happened in the last week. That is what I get for trying to be a good Christian. Certain people have made a mockery out of my trying to be forgiving and kind. I feel like a fool.
Hey kiddo, your efforts are for God, not for people. If He sees your forgiveness and kindness to others, even though they reject it, He is pleased. And that's a good thing, right?
Quote:
Lead me from despair to hope, from fear to trust.
This is my prayer for you, JoJo. Especially at 1:11 today.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Thank you Laurie! It is so amazing how close I feel to the ones on this site and I haven't even met anyone (in person) ... I am grateful for everyone's kindness and goodness and understanding.
1.) I think I'm feeling better. I have been quiet, but my energy level has been getting stronger. 2.) Today was and is a beautiful summers day. I've been doing yard work...putting my faux cobblestone walkway on my lawn from my driveway to my front walkway (very cottage, w/a contemporary twist. I would describe my house's interior and exterior as New England cottage meets Alice in Wonderland in 2009.
3.) I have been trying madly to trust in God. I've been trying to keep my mind and my feelings focused. It seems a little better this week. I'm very disappointed in people that I used to believe that I could trust. I am getting over it. My mother has been a great cheer leader.
4.) My parents came over to my house today and visted me on my porch. It was very nice to sit with them and drink Ice Tea and listen to the radio.
ps as I read my post I noticed the time said, 'posted 1 minute and 11 seconds ago'. hmmmm. See God is smiling, too.
1.) Continue to go dark. (visualizing the future when I won't have to go dark as much...nice!) 2.) Still working on myself. a.) emotional strength b.) beauty (spiritual, emotional, physical) 3.) Read more of God's Promises. (makes me feel good) 4.) Think and feel more positively. 5.) Challenge myself to continue jogging (less walking and more jogging). 6.) sign up for classes for the Fall...(did I say Fall?...ick) 7.) making a plan to re-connect with A on the 7/23 (I'll see how I feel) hoping he will call me...try not to get hopes up too high. Want to take care of myself.
1.) Still going dark. a.) Do not like it. b.) Without any solicitation, people tell me to forget about A and move on. I get more of that than encouragement. It is apparent to them. c.) However, without any solicitation, one friend told me that after three years, his brother-in-law's wife wants to come back. He told me that she just left for no reason and she hardly spoke to him. Now she wants to return. There is hope.
2.) Major PMS. 3.) Went to the gym yesterday and was hoping to feel better. No magic. 4.) Not sleepig too well. 5.) I want to be more positive and feel more positive. It's difficult.
6.) I'm wondering about when and how to connect with A. I made three weeks a goal to touch base, but I'm not sure how I feel. I'm always wishing and hoping that he will call me before I call him.
7.) Thinking about why re-connecting is so difficult.
8.) Wondering if he ever misses me. Wondering if he would ever want to hang out with me, but he feels that he can't because he's afraid of how I might feel.
9.) I sometimes want to ask him if he enjoys my company and what do people usually do to connect with him. Because I can't seem to accomplish it.
10.) I feel that 'this' (connecting for a brief second via txt, going to his cocktail party once every six months, and going dark)is going down another cheeseless tunnel.
1.) feeling sad 2.) trying to talk myself into thinking and feeling positively 3.) trying very hard to feel hopeful 4.) there hasn't really been and real connection or progress for a very long time 5.) I have beem praying a lot. 6.) I'm not sure how to proceed.
Goal: I need to see A pursue me, but time is flying by and others have been nurturing their connection with him and he with them. I miss him.
You do not feel right about initiating contact with A. Is that because you believe the outcome would be negative? Or, you are not in a good place to make that contact?
It seemed as if your past attempts to touch base with him have been fairly positive. If that would more likely be the outcome, I would encourage to rethink this. But, as you know, your decision to stay dark a while longer may be wise, if you believe he'd not respond well.
I want to give you a super big, big, big, big ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) today dear JJ!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
