Hey Lucky. I'm ok. I just wake up sad sometimes. But, I'm doing just fine. I air my dirtiest laundry out here and do pretty well in the "real" world.
Still, of course I have my attachment to H and to the life I envisioned. Aren't we all here because we want a certain outcome? I do get that I have to create a life for myself with or without him and I am actively doing so. still, my efforts to detach are slow sometimes because of my agenda. I do get it.
I hope that you realize when I say that you must throw away forever the idea of counting on someone else to make your life what you want... That goes for any man or any person, not just your H. It is up to you to decide what you want to see and do in your days, what kind of influences you want for your children, and then you start molding that life little by little.
Example: If your financial situation is a mess... think about what you can do to change it. Move somewhere cheaper, public schools in a good district, trade the BMW for a Hyundai, forego pedicures, etc.
This is the time to make brave changes, one by one. You don't realize it now, but you will LOVE feeling in control of your life!
Let me clarify something about what I said: First, I'm not there. But what I read into your posts is that you are protecting your kids from their father. In part because you do not understand his actions, you are equating them with being dangerous. That's the part where I'm not there. You have to decide between dangerous as in truly dangerous and dangerous as in I don't understand my husband's actions therefore he must be dangerous. Nobody here on this list will be able to help you with making that call, but if he truly is a danger to the kids, then you would be obligated to get a lawyer and a restraining order.
I don't get the sense it's that as much as you trying to protect them from a life you don't want them to have. That desire is strong and since H is confusing, you are on high-alert and doubting his capabilities and intentions.
No doubt he will have to hit rock bottom. No doubt you won't want to be near him when he does. But keeping the kids from him would prevent them from getting the closure they may need. Similar to the closure in your life you needed.
Over protecting is a thing that women do. I've seen it first hand. I don't think it's a bad thing. But recognize it and understand that it may be working against you and causing you grief unnecessarily. You said before he's a fine husband and dad. It's just that right now you don't know what to make of him. He's "nuts" as far as you can see.
The other side of that is that you do not see all sides. You won't either. It's hardest to trust right now, but that's part of what you need to do.
I'm in your shoes to some degree. My spouse hasn't slept more than 4 hours a night in over a year as far as I know. Wild ride. These past two weeks have shown a return to the spouse I and her friends know better. She's gotten sleep.
Your H is headed for a crash alright. Not likely in a car. He's not likely as delirious as he is confused. That's a childish thing to say when he found out he was in your bed. To protect his ego.
I'm not walking away from you AK. I was busy moving my spouse out this weekend. She chose to leave on Mother's day. I have a lot to take care of with the kids as they are a bit upset and confused by the timing and what is happening around them.
I'll be back later. Just wanted to give a few things to think about.
Be good.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for chiming in Smiley- you know you come off as a bit of a genius? Seriously, I read your posts and am so astounded at the level of intellect on this board.
Yes on controlling my mind. I really believe and have lived long enough to know that no matter where I go, there I am. I have the same flippin' issues I had when I was 18. And though I have matured so much, I know that this is not about where I live or some external circumstance. I think those of us dealing with separations in which the spouse is still living with (or semi-living with in my case) have the ultimate challenge. But, I figure, this is how I REALLY change. By doing my thing regardless of H. It is a slow and grueling process and I don't doubt that a change in the circumstances will impact my ability to focus and really develop myself more fully, it has to be done no matter what. AND, I want my kids to learn that too, that you cultivate your own happiness regardless of external circumstances.
Well, my WAS vacillates between being an egomaniacal pr*** to being 1000 times more of the man I wanted in the R. It is a bit torturous...he showed up with flowers yesterday, he is really showing up for the kids in ways he didn't before, he is exercising and taking care of himself. He is starting to take responsibility for himself and ever so slowly recognizing his part in our R troubles. This is a tough fence to straddle. I judged him for so long. I just can't do it anymore. So, on a given day, the glasses give me clarity to see the man he isn't and on another, the man he is...
To say that I see so much progress in such few sentences would be an understatement.
You have the right idea and are developing the perspective. Keep at it, AK. You are doing the right thing and you are really making progress on yourself.
I'm intrigued how on the one hand he is taking care of himself and on the other he is a danger due to lack of sleep. Not enough hours in the day.
You need to focus on you and be the best you that you can be. Why? Because your children need you to hold up your end of the deal. And because when you do that you change the burden from yours alone to a shared burden with your husband - where it rightfully belongs.
Stop taking on more than your part. Start realizing what it is you want. What it is you can do in this situation. What you need to be for your children. What you need to be for you.
Keep it up.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Aj...you are a saint for stopping by in the midst of what you are dealing with. Obviously, I'm writing back for whenever you have the time.
Honestly, I get so much out of every post here, even though many seem to contradict each other.
As for my kids and their dad, I agree with you 100% and I have shown a level of restraint in interfering that I never thought possible. My parents were with the kids the other night and some strange woman approached my mom and asked "is that (kid's name) and (kid's name)?" She said she hadn't met H but saw the kids on his facebook page and knew a little about our sitch!! My mom and dad were mortified. I said absolutely nothing. My dad took H to lunch (which irked me, why not just a phone call??) and told him he was not comfortable with the kids having that kind of exposure and it was frightening (H has sooo many people on his facebook). Anyway, I saw H later that same day, I said nothing about it. He brought up having had lunch with my dad (as if they were pals), and I said nothing. It was not until the next day when H mentioned the facebook thing that I said "yes, I knew about that but I trusted you would handle it." Well, talk about a 180, and he noticed.
I complain on here about the lifestyle, exposure, my worries, but I don't engage with H about it. I will only get involved with major issues. Now I know James Bond doesn't seem major but my S6 is mimicking the behaviors and is obsessed and tried to lock my neck between his thighs and strangle me last night (per fight scene in most recent movie he saw). Today, I told H gently about that, with humor and I said that I am going to give it a break for the next three weeks (he'll be out of town). It was light.
As I illustrated to you, based on my childhood, I do recognize the value and necessity of me staying out of their relationship. Given my experience though, I stay alert. I was abused and negatively influenced by what I was exposed to. So, it is a challenge to let go. I'm doing pretty good so far.
Yesterday H came with flowers. It was really what I wanted. Then, we were hanging out and kids went down the street to friends and we had sex. It was really great and while I had "CAKE-EATING" streaming through my mind, I was torn because he is leaving town and I just wanted to go for it. Then, we went to lunch which was nice. Kids laid down with him to watch a movie and he made sure to ask me if there was anything I wanted or needed (different). I decided to go to the market (yep, that is something I love doing by myself). Kids and I were scheduled to go meet my family for Mother's Day dinner and S9 asked why daddy wasn't coming to which he answered "I wasn't invited." I felt really uncomfortable. Before we left, I went into H's office and told him that it wasn't necessarily that he wasn't invited, it was that no one knows what to do or what is going on and it is really uncomfortable. I said that he did this, he left. He said that it was just S asking that threw him off. I said I know, he is confused too. He said that maybe when he spends so much time it is confusing. I said yes.
I wanted to text and try to make it ok or invite him or do something. But I realized that he was processing that he has to face the reality of really leaving our family and I let it go. I figured he would pull back and be resentful. When we came back he was fine and asked me if I wanted to come out to dinner with him (I had barely eaten at the family dinner, nasty food). I tried to get someone to watch kids but too last minute which is fine. I figured he would go by himself (standard response) but instead, he suggested we order something and hang out a little. We did and it was so relaxed and we watched an art channel and talked about his interests.
It was great. But, a sort of faux family day. He left at the end of the night and I felt ok but knew that, again, it was what it was.
This morning I got 5 emails of portraits he painted (a new endeavor) and honestly, they were shockingly good which I let him know (a hard thing to do as I know he attribute his burgeoning talent with leaving me).
Today he asked me to meet him for breakfast and I needed to drop something off to him. All was pretty good until he read me an article that is being written about him and I got this sinking feeling as he read about all of his accomplishments...I was the one that pushed him to go for that project, I was there, I was the one that said "yes, quit your job and go for it" and told him I knew he could do x when he thought he couldn't and I've even been here since he left...I just couldn't f'ing keep my mouth shut and I mentioned that it was really difficult when his friend told me that he said that I hadn't supported him or cared about his passions. Stupid move because it became all about that friend not keeping his mouth shut and diversion. And I said it was just the impression I got and continue to get from him and we ended up in convo about R (aargh) and basically, he sees the changes in me but thinks I am just trying to prove something to him (hmmm)...he remembers specific instances where I didn't want to come out with him or gave him hell for spending $3000 on art (when we were broke!!) and of course I defended and then tried to validate and was a bit all over the place. Well, talk about your cheeseless tunnel! He had to go and I could see that he was so over being around me and the whining and trying to dig my way out and blah blah blah. So, I texted that I was sorry for bringing it up, nothing worse than talking about the past. That it is hard when the negatives seem to overshadow the positives but that has really gotten better over time. That I wouldn't want that darkness for us or kids, no going back. That there wont be a full accounting until we are old and gray. "For now, just trying to see things from a different angle and be in the moment". and hi to his friend that he was having lunch with.
He answered "thanks, I agree" and "Hi back" (from friend).
Anyway, it was a decent save (I think).
Truth is, he is leaving town for three weeks and I am just terrified that all that splendor will cut me down to size in his mind.
And his rock bottom??? I don't know, will it come in time for this M to be salvaged? I keep trying to save this thing before it slips away and we are so close but so far away. I don't want him to go 100% and I have to get that it is out of my hands. I think I am afraid of the likelihood that some sexy supermodel will rock his world and I will be relegated to that "old bag that he had to escape from."
AJ, you are the only person who seems to think I should be staying still. As I said to Smiley, my greatest wish would be to be able to grow myself and do what I need to do regardless of what H is doing...is that realistic? Can I really do what I couldn't do for all of these years? I am trying my a** off and hopefully in these next three weeks, I will get on my game.
Just read your last post and as hokey as it sounds, I am so moved that you're taking the time to encourage me. Hopefully, I didn't disappoint with my subsequent post but, I am human and this is quite a challenge.
Thanks again.
BTW- mentioning for the 1000th time that Friday is 10th anniversary...kind of brutal no matter what kind of mental gymnastics I pull.
Health insurance is going to be canceled. I suggested that H think of something we can sell so that he doesn't have to worry about money while he's out of town (he's leaving me with not near enough to pay the bills)...I thought that was a good way to frame it.
You need to seriously stop focusing on your 10 year anniversary. It is causing you way too much stress. Going to give you one of my pearls of wisdom. Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far. Focus on the positives in your life right now. You have 2 great kids. You opened your eyes today and took a breath. You can walk. You can only fix yourself. You can only control what you do and how you react. Choose to love yourself as much as you love your husband and be good to you! You deserve it!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
