You aren't piecing a marriage back together. You are divorced.
I do believe I was clear on this one when I said:
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Piecing? I wish. But, no, I couldn't call it that. In my mind, to be piecing a couple would have had to verbalize the intent in some way, shape, or form. That has not been done here.
Do I think he lives with regret? Yes. Do I think that part of him wants this relationship? Again, yes. Do I think he will follow through with the work that it will take for him to have a healthy relationship? Jury is out on that one.
I'm not a dumb girl. I'm not even a naive girl. I hate reading the kind of thing you wrote because it seems designed to make a fool of me. Since I don't think that people are usually hurtful on purpose, I will take it as your intention to be real with me and not offer up false hopes. I am fully aware that I am divorced. I didn't show up to court and all, but I have never denied that it happened and I don't think that a reminder is a necessity at this point.
OT, you said:
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Going in for the big R talk when only one of you is in that R is not advisable.
I can understand that you think that I am the only one in this R. And, in reading some of the things that I write, I can see why you would say that. The thing is, when I try to talk about the positive things that happen I get hit with "You are suffocating him...you are focused only on him.....GAL." So,I don't post a lot of that.
Actually, most problems stem from me having a hard time moving forward. He has tried, time and time again. I am the one who gets stuck, or wants to rush things along. It reinforces his view of me as the girl who is too emotional, who won't listen. I back off, he backs off, then one of us comes calling and the whole thing starts again.
Is it healthy? Absolutely NOT.
It is what I am trying to change by coming here.
Let me tell you a dumb story about myself to give you an idea of the person I am:
This morning my son took my car keys to school by accident. (At the time I didn't know this, all I knew was that I could not find them) I didn't have a way to work. I was beyond pissed. Luckily, I live close and can walk, though it would make me late.
I had something very large to take to work with me. It could have waited until tomorrow. But, the "cut off her nose to spite her face" Pam made the brilliant decision to not only walk, but to lug this huge thing that I didn't need to lug. Why? Because I was already mad and miserable and feeling alone.
That is the type of stuff I do. I act rashly and think later. As I left work I pictured how dumb I must have looked in the morning and I had to laugh. It is so typical of who I can be at times. I think it was HappyAgain who once said, "I smell burning martyr." It wasn't about me, but that could easily be said!
I know this side of me exists, and it is what XH does not like the most. It is also what I am trying to change. So, I come here and focus on those things so that I can get input on them. I focus on the negative, in other words.
Now, please don't throw my old words back at me. I do understand that my XH hasn't been the most honest man in the world. I understand that I have no business taking the blame in all of this.
I do know that I need to change this dance in the ways that I can. So, when I post something that is bothering me, it is to learn how to react in a normal way, not the Pam way.
It may come across as "he's an ass, I hate him..."
I don't. I don't agree with everything he has done, but I understand his reluctance to talk to me. I OVER-REACT. I scare him. So, he keeps me at arm's length.
I could tell him that since I am more in the R than him that I want out, but I know that this will make neither of us happy.
Why do I have to make us both miserable?
In a given day, I am not a miserable person. Yes, I get sad. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I miss him. Right now, though, I see that building on the positives and quitting the pressure has been what is working. Do I slip up? Yes. But not nearly as often as before.
It may not be what most agree with, but I know myself enough to know that if I go out with the "it will have to be less of an R" speech I will always wonder what could have been.
Right now he is calling, coming by, and actually inviting me into his home. He wanted me to make myself at home--- it was ME who had the problem. I feel that I need to learn to relax around him, and the only way to do that is to be around him more! It is not as if I show up there or anything. Heck, I rarely call him. Contact has been primarily by him.
OT, you are correct that this hasn't been working for me. A lot of what hasn't worked are the things I have been doing though! Example: he asks me out. We have a great time- even make out like teenagers in the driveway before coming in. Then when he gets ready to leave I pout because I want more. He says,"but we had a good time! You make me feel like no matter what I do I cannot make you happy." That didn't always make sense to me, but it does now.
I ruin my own happiness. It isn't exactly what I wanted, the way I wanted it, so I go for the worst scenario. Kind of like pushing aside a pleasant walk to work in favor of an uncomfortable walk with an awkward item.
I do agree that I am not piecing. BUT, I do believe if I could stop sabotaging things I could have been,many times over.
I don't want to argue where I am. Or what XH wants/doesn't want from me. I don't think I will know that until I can learn to change some behaviors. THINGS I NEED TO CHANGE, things I WANT to change. For me. For my own peace and health. Just because he is the person who pointed these things out to me doesn't mean I am changing them for HIM. If I were, I would have done it a long time ago. I had to get to a place of more confidence.
The other day he remarked, "you are my dream girl."
I fully believe he meant it. Am I resizing my wedding band? No. I know this is just another piece of this puzzle.
Perhaps it will come back to bite me, but I am not ready to give him the big goodbye. I will keep living my life as if he is never coming back, but I will not push him away any more. If he steps away for good it needs to be his doing, not my pushing him away. I do it again and again. I do it out of fear. I do it to keep from getting hurt. I will not do that anymore.
I didn't think that you thought you were piecing, I agree that you seem on pretty solid ground there. I was more saying, "noooooooo!!! don't fall into the trap of thinking you are piecing again," because it seemed to me that you were getting encouragement to do so.
As for the rest, you had recently said pretty much that playing the "just friends" or "casual date" role wasn't working for you and that you were not going to do it anymore. If so, then it is best to simply be direct and honest about it.
If instead you want to accept things as they are and give the R a chance to grow, well then, give it a chance to grow by stepping back to a level of commitment/interest that matches that of XH. That doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting reality and building an R based on that reality, and giving XH some space to invest in the R himself.
You carried the big thing to work yourself and didn't give anyone a chance to help. If you carry the R yourself, you don't give XH a place to make it his R too.
P.S. " We have a great time- even make out like teenagers in the driveway before coming in. Then when he gets ready to leave I pout because I want more. He says,"but we had a good time! You make me feel like no matter what I do I cannot make you happy."
FWIW, this sounds totally like he is withholding because he is not free to be in an R with you, probably because of his other Rs. So, his "but we had a good time! You make me feel like no matter what I do I cannot make you happy," sounds a lot like changing the subject/shifting blame to me. He isn't there for you because he isn't there for you, not because you are too demanding. Or, put otherwise, you are too demanding for him because he isn't free, mentally, to give you what you want. Of course, this is just conjecture. But not many men who aren't getting sex are going to put the brakes on heavy petting and say -- oh, enough of that, let's stop now -- unless someone else is holding them back.
She was getting encourgement from me to do so OT. Still will until she tells me to stop.
You don't post here because you want to be divorce, you post here because you want to still be married.
From my point of view Pam has communications problems and so does her husband, and without communication there is no relationship. If both of them are too timid to speak up...then one of them must...and I'm going for the one I can talk to...unless someone wants to drop me her H's email?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
See? I do have communication problems! The rest of the story was that we make out like teenagers in the driveway, go in the house and have sex, and then I pout when he has to leave, or when he leaves without making new plans. I tend to stay away from the TMI.
I don't think this really changes much-- other than to give ya'll another reason to 2x4 me- but we actually have had a pretty good sex life all along. I have stopped because of the other circumstances...if I hadn't it would be a 2, 3, 4+ times a week thing, I am sure.
Yes, communication is at the root of most of our problems. We fall victim to so many misconceptions- both of us. We have both sabatoged many good times because we didn't clear up a MAJOR misconception.
My fear always takes me back to the place of: What if he really meant this or that and he is using the misconception thing as an excuse? So, things stay very muddied between us.
I am just going to be bold and see where it takes me.
I sent a VERY bold text today. Very.
So much so that it may take a day or two for him to respond- if he does.
I am shocked at you! You know my issues with privacy!
As they say- In for a penny, in for a pound....
(Easy on the 2x4's, all. It is time- that's all I have to say.)Here you go:
I need you to know this, because I don't think you believe it: I know no other man like you. You have so many qualities that I adore. The past is the past. It is forgiven and that is the truth. I love you, (XH).
