Hi Simon, I am not very familiar with your sitch. For what it is worth, I have lived through similar bouts of anger regarding XW and OP as it relates to my daughter. The only piece of advice I can gice you is to try hard to not let it get you down, especially in front of your child. I did and it was noticeable and quite frankly does no one any good. Hang in there and try to rebuild your own happiness without your ex (for now). You have to come to the realization that things may never be what they once were. These are difficult times but you owe it to your child, to people who care for you and to yourself to be strong. Simon, it does get better.
John - thanks...what you suggest "to try hard to not let it get you down, especially in front of your child" is honestly what I have been trying to do - and pretty successfully so far - every time OM's name slips out of H's mouth - and in all innocence - bless him (although there have been a couple of times I have sensed that he's introduced it into our conversations to let me know something - but in a naive kid way) to date I've done a pretty good job -even though I've felt angry and hurt...
I know for sure that I'm not ever going to burden my son with my pain, force him to make choices or to take sides..so with the best fortitude I can muster at the time I deal with it - but never negatively.
On the upside, I do know that the OM is a down the line good man, although that doesn't make the brutal pain of the loss of my R with W any easier to deal with, I do know that my son is loved and cared for in every aspect of his life, although I do wonder about someone who is prepared to trample all over a fellow human beings feelings -ie mine-especially as I know him - albeit - not well...
I suppose the hardest thing to take is the feeling that I have been manipulated out of my home and R - thinking that it would offer a chance or reconciliation -Puppy would have a field day with that!!!
Good morning GF. I was just relating my experiences and if they help you in any way than that is great. We all feel manipulated in some way by our respective WAS. We all hold on to that "chance". Some of us for longer than others. Do not dwell on it too long....we are all guilty of this. There will come a time when you will say enough of this....I need to move on and hopefully, you will stop feeling manipulated. Without knowing too much about your sitch and with what I experienced and read on these boards, the quicker you start thinking about yourself, the better off you will be. It is time to put you and your child first. I am not saying to throw your W under the bus, however, GF and H should be your #1 priority.
Well...had a difficult situation to deal with on Monday night -I went to W's to collect H for his overnighter with me - she had collected him from school after his sport's club. I stayed for a bit,sorting out a few things with W and when I came to leave walking to my car with H OM was parked up next to me.
H didn't clock him...but I was seething. There seemed to be plenty of clues that it was my car.
Obviously I was upset and angry for me but more importantly I was upset that H might have been put in a tight spot.
I sat on it for 24 hours while I sorted out my various feelings and emotions and then sent W an email pointing out how difficult this was and said that from my perspective neither H nor I would ever be put in that position again. I find it very hard to believe that OM didn't know it was my car -if he genuinely didn't then that man has some serious problems "upstairs".
W phoned me this morning -I missed the call cos I was involved in sorting out a work email problem and so the call flipped to VM and unusually she left a long message by way of explanation -for which I am very grateful..basically saying that she had no idea he was coming around and assuring me that she would never do anything intentionally to put H in that position...which is fine...but WTF - does this man have no feelings or sense???
Other than that, not much to report...off to Snowdonia this w/end for some scrambling/biking which I'm looking forward to immensely! In a B&B for a change!
I couldnt help wondering how your wife feels after realising the OM has no interest in protecting your son or being at least discreet. Sometimes things like that make us "see" things, you know? Make the OP feel like an "intruder" of you can get my thiking. I hope that's exactly how she felt.
I havent yet had to "meet", "face" any OPs, nor my kids. But I sort of understand how that was difficult. You handled it fine though, as always. xxx K
K- I do know you mean - but all she said was that she had no idea that he would be coming around...
And that she had gone out of her way to ensure that such difficult circumstances wouldn't happen - which is fine -but that for me still doesn't clear up the fact that I have to deal with H's comments about OM when I see him...its one thing keeping him and me separate -but from what comes out of H's mouth is something else to deal with...
For example -over the last 2 months:-
"I'm going to play at OM's tonight and having a BBQ, we're having friends round"
When I woke up I said "White rabbits" to mummy and then OM said...
When I got him ready for bed the other night he had Mummy's t-shirt on underneath his top - that was because "I stayed at OM's house and that was the "vest" I could sleep in"
And then this weekend coming W and H are going off to The Lakes I think, I would put money on the fact that OM will be part of that party too...
So - although I want to trust her with our son's well being I'm afraid that 2 years worth of cheating and lying,of covering up and subterfuge don't give me any confidence that she is looking out for anyone apart from herself - and that as much as she would like to pretend that alls ok with H and that he's accepted it -he hasn't...he's a very confused little boy who hangs onto me at night-time and wants lots of hugs and re-assurances -who comes into my bed at 2 in the morning...
And I'm not overlooking the fact that I was a DAM...I was - with medals and bar!!!
My H was/is the same in regards to our kids. He heard they were having problems form me (dismissed it immediately, I was paranoid), from their teachers, my parents, doctors, councelors, friends... He even avoided talking to them about it and giving them vague answers to their shy questions until they quit. Their C had to call him in twice to tell him to talk them, he still HASNT!!
But, there are some quiet moments when we face the truth, when we are alone, in bed, stressed. Of course how we proceed is another story but believe me she knows. Hopefully she will act accordingly sooner than later. And if she doesnt, as your s will grow up, he will bring her face to face with her actions. Dont doubt that. Keep doing what you are doing, xxx K
