No, I didn't do anything too stupid. But, I realize that I just need to be alone- I don't have it in me to try to bust anything.
After letting everything go (no pursuit, OT!) my XH called and very tentatively and sweetly asked, "Do you think you could come over on Saturday and help me paint?" Of course I agreed. I wanted that....right?
Uh, no. Now I see why he has kept me out of there.
I simply can't handle it.
I did well, for the most part (on Sunday, BTW, because he lost power after a big storm on Saturday). I got all of the priming and painting done that he wanted. The problem was that I was so uncomfortable there that he surely noticed.
See, last time I went I went to get a beer in the fridge and there were Mike's hard Lemonades in there. Let's just say HE doesn't drink those. Either do I. 'Nuff said.
So, I vowed to steer clear of the fridge...which wasn't easy, since I took food there. I kind of worked my way around it- asking him to hand me this or that, or asking him to put this or that in the fridge. I doubt he caught on to what was going on, though. I was just doing what I do best--- avoidance.
After that, I did pretty well. Like I said, I worked hard and got things done- laughing and having fun while I was doing it.
I noticed lots of odd things in the house that I knew didn't come from him, and I tried my best to avoid thinking about any of it. Fake it til ya make it, they say.
It wasn't perfect, but the best I could fake until the very end. UNTIL, I went to pick up my containers that he had from food I had made him, and right there on the counter was a postcard. Now, I admit, I have no idea who it was from. All I know is that in all the years I lived with him we never received a postcard from anyone. The rest of the time is kind of a blur. I think everything I had surpressed kind of came rushing at me. I mumbled a quick goodbye and got out of there. I didn't do anything nutty (or say anything), but it was an awkward exit. I am sure he saw what I was looking at before I left.
I haven't heard from him. He had asked me to go back tonight (earlier before I freaked), and I have no idea what is up with that at this point.
I know that I need to build these good times with him in order to show him that I am not the same old person, but as long as someone else is in the picture, I just can't.
I know it sounds like speculation, but he did admit to dating, and he hasn't said anything different since then. Yeah, I knew that going in to it. I guess I wanted to believe that something had changed, based on his last 2 weekends being completely free (I knew what he was doing F, Sat, and Sun of last week and this week).
I am not sure what to say if he calls. I don't know if he thinks I am still going there, or if he felt that there was an issue. I don't think I will go into any explanation, just say, "I'm sorry, I can't make it after all."
It hurts because I do believe we were moving towards something. I really tried to just be the better option, but the cost is too high for me. I just don't think that I can believe him, and lots of things around there just reminded me of all of the lies he told me.
I just don't think I can go back to that--- a lot would have to change. I am stuck in a horrible cycle, and right now only he can break it. I don't see that happening.
So, that's that. He knows who I am. He knows how much I have changed. He hasn't. If he is dating (one particular person), the fact is that he is still hanging on me, calling me, and inviting me over. No, he hasn't changed. And, this is a prize I don't want to win. AS MUCH AS IT HURTS.
It is so difficult being in his home, and realizing it has NOTHING of you in it. No memories...except of people not you.
It is speculation. Simple. but he said...yes in the past...its still speculation...would I bet against you? No.
Be honest with him...cripe!
All this fails, talk to BND. Be honest, tell him why tell him what and tell him how, tell him that you trying your best, but there are going to be things that will rip your guts outs if you see them, things that you are going to jump to conclusions about in this home of his.
You job after telling him this, is to try level out your emotions, and be calm when talking to him about a postcard. His job if he wants you around is to try to make this house more CNMC Friendly.
You, despite your best specualtions are not a mind reader...and he sure as sure isn't either. And thank God we are not.
"Do these jeans make me look fat?"
"REALLY?"
Thank God we cannot read minds.
Honesty is the ONLY path if you are looking to piercing it is the only way and REALISTIC expectations with open communication, gone are the days of silent brooding and harboring hurt feelings...you cannot afford that crap.
He knows who you are...
Are you sure? Or is that an assumption? One that will kill a relationship?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I went out with friends on Friday night. XH made a comment that he wanted so badly to go to that bar. He said, "I wanted to be a fly on that wall." He also said a few times that he hoped that I would call him. I just said, "I didn't know that was an option." He said, "Of course it is. I am always here for you."
I talked to him about training for my triathalon. I mentioned that I am going to begin riding my bike to work each day. He said wistfully, "You have become my dream girl."
And, lets not forget that he invited me into the fortress of solitude. (Well, that's not the right name anymore! I guess I will go with fortress.)
Please, don't give me the "you are focusing on HIM too much." Yes, I am right now. I need to figure all of this out. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. I will, however, I do not want to. I just want to go out knowing that I did all I could.
Oh, one more thing: He is currently talking to a mutual friend who is now separated. He is talking to him about TRYING EVERYTHING BEFORE DIVORCE.
And this way I preach. This honesty holy crap is it scary. We aren't used to this, we are used to disembling when we talk. No more...this is scary stuff.
At first almost every time you talk, it feels like this is it. She is going to walk away, I'm going to say I can't handle this and I need you to stop and she is going to say, 'no'.
It almost seems easier not to say anything, and just assume they will say no...so this way...it's your choice the relationship failed.
Its a cowards way.
All your relationships will improve for speaking honestly, this one included. And I will say this...honestly but with tact. Jack? Really he said use tact...yes he f-ing did if you want to be married.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
