I am so glad your getting more confident in yourself and doing more. It must be hard to try and keep up both of you on your salary. Just please be careful.
My ex used me during his weak times with a dui. Waited till he paid off his fees, did his classes, and then got his license and a job. Then he treated me like junk after he was on his feet again.
I wouldn't worry about the ow. You probably know he is involved by the shutting down he is doing. I am sure he probably is feeling guilty and can't really tell you everything he does so he is safer keeping quiet.
Just continue on what your doing and don't pay attention to his moods or mention it. The nicer you are the more truly guilty he is going to feel. Work on yourself like you are.
I myself am glad to be rid of mine since it keeps that burden off my back. It cost me more to maintain him when he was here then is is to maintain my son and I only. He still comes over and shows me he has never changed but still wants to come back. After 2 years, it still has not kicked in why.
Well, I didn't think I'd be back on quite so quickly.
I did some things on the computer last night after D5 went to bed. H had gone out with a buddy. As I was on the internet, I decided to do a little snooping. I found listings for 3 bedroom homes/townhomes in OW's neighborhood. I called H to see if he'd be home soon and told him that we needed to talk when he got there.
When H got home, I asked him to please be honest with me and tell me what's going on. Tell me if it's really ever been over with OW. He said, I thought it was, but I'm not sure. I told him about seeing the listing and asked what that was about. He said, I don't know what to say, OW sent them to me. I knew that was true because I could tell that he had not searched for them himself. I asked him if he planned on leaving us as soon as he found a job. He claims that he doesn't. I asked about OW. I asked if he still planned on making a life with her. He said, to be honest, it's very doubtful that that would happen. I asked why. He said because I don't think I want that....I'm not sure what I want. He asked me why I still wanted him. I told him that despite what's happened, I've seen the better side of him and I know it's still there. That I can remember the good times. I said, you asked me what I want. I said that I want my family, I want my husband, I want to be his wife and not just his roommate and if that's not what he wants then he needs to figure it out and let me move on. It was hard. I was crying. I asked him if he had any plans of moving away from MN. He said that he can't leave D5. It was quiet after that. I know that my H can be manipulative, but there's part of me that believes that he is starting to realize what life would be like with OW and her 4 kids and it's not a life that he would do well with. Not that it would mean him staying with us though.
I know that I have to keep doing what's best for D5 and I. I'll do my best to do that.
Well, back to work.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
When H got home, I asked him to please be honest with me and tell me what's going on. Tell me if it's really ever been over with OW. He said, I thought it was, but I'm not sure. I told him about seeing the listing and asked what that was about. He said, I don't know what to say, OW sent them to me. I knew that was true because I could tell that he had not searched for them himself. I asked him if he planned on leaving us as soon as he found a job. He claims that he doesn't. I asked about OW. I asked if he still planned on making a life with her. He said, to be honest, it's very doubtful that that would happen. I asked why. He said because I don't think I want that....I'm not sure what I want.
Hi Sue,
I'm glad to see you're skeptical, because the problem is, there is no usable data here. Everything is based on you asking, and him telling you something, and unfortunately, if he IS still cheating on you, then he's lying (and of course his past history is of lying to you as well).
Only his ACTIONS will tell you what his true intentions are -- over time -- and unfortunately, right now his actions are still very fogged out and wayward.
Gosh, I didn't realize that it had been over a month since the last time I was on.
Puppy, I promise I wasn't avoiding your comments. Your comments below are so true. His actions are showing a lot.....and it's not good. Cold, snippy, rude....etc. He's denied seeing OW but I've seen proof otherwise....and I've called him out on it using his own phone (texts/calls) and her new business card (in his pocket) as proof.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Only his ACTIONS will tell you what his true intentions are -- over time -- and unfortunately, right now his actions are still very fogged out and wayward.
So, what is SueS doing about it? Not much at this point. H should be starting a new job on Monday. My true thoughts are that as soon as he back up on his feet he'll be looking to leave, despite his words to the contrary. It will be hard but not unexpected.
I finished my 6 week running class last week and I signed up for the second session. It starts tonight. I'll probably collapse , but I'm going to give it my best shot. I've been trying to get out about twice a week on my own to run. I fractured a toe a few weeks ago though, so it was tough for a little while. I was considerate last night and asked H if he had any plans for the evenings this week. I have something each night for the rest of the week. Nothing late, but it still leaves him at home alone with D5 for an extra couple of hours. When I told him about continuing with my running classes he rolled his eyes. I asked him why he can't just give me one shred of a "that's great" or "atta-girl" for getting up off my behind and at least trying.....and continuing now for 7 weeks. I just got a blank stare at the tv.
I went out to South Dakota for my niece's high school graduation a few weeks ago. What a blast. I had so much fun and I got to see my best friend too, as her son also graduated the same weekend.
D5 starts back to daycare next week and she'll start t-ball in June. She's so excited and I'm excited for her. She's getting anxious to start kindergarten in the fall.
My father went to have his normal 6 month check up at the Mayo Clinic. He's 2 yrs, 4 mos. post surgery for cancer. They originally gave him a clear report, but now have him set up for a throat scope, as they're worried about something on his test that could turn out to be cancer in his esophagus. Just waiting for that on June 1.
So, that's where I'm at. One question is this. Probably something I should know the answer to being a "veteran" of this whole mess. When I go away (or H for that matter) H will call 2-3 times a day. When we see each other for the 1st time after we've been gone, he's nice for a couple of days. Then, BAM, back to his old rude, nasty personality.....as if I'm not any better than a lump of crap that he needs to avoid so he doesn't step in it. I know, an odd comparison, but that's how it feels. Why? Why be nice? Why call? Why turn so quickly? A few weeks ago I participated in a consignment sale. I busted my tail to get all my things together and tagged. H helped me (offering on his own) to do what I needed him to do. He was helpful, friendly, kind.....etc. I left the next day for graduation. He called, was nice....etc. I came back and 2 days later her turned into .....well, you know. What I don't understand is the fact that he came back to us. I wanted my family, but didn't beg or even ask him to come back. I was on my own. He was free and clear to do whatever he wanted, which is what he desperately wanted for months. Why take all of this out on me when he made the decison to come back? It just still all confuses me. It doesn't really make me anywhere near as sad or angry, just still confused.
Well, back to work. I'll check on everyone's threads to see how you're all doing. Stop by and say hi!!
Take care! -SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
What I don't understand is the fact that he came back to us. I wanted my family, but didn't beg or even ask him to come back. I was on my own. He was free and clear to do whatever he wanted, which is what he desperately wanted for months. Why take all of this out on me when he made the decison to come back? It just still all confuses me. It doesn't really make me anywhere near as sad or angry, just still confused.
Sue,
What's confusing about it? He gets the best of both worlds this way -- both plates spinning on each stick. When when slows down and starts to wobble, he can go spin the other one up to speed.
I don't understand why the status quo is acceptable to you?
Then again, my own situation is non-understandable to many (including me somedays!), so I'm one to talk . . .
I think you may have also let him get away with it long enough that he thinks it is fine to be a sh!t. You know you will be fine either way, but I would address it and say that he can't treat you this way. If he can't get it together I believe his car is still in the garage and hand him a blanket and pillow.
hang in there. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yes Kat, you're right. I've been doing better though in letting him know that I'm not happy with the treatment. I still need to be a lot more vocal though about it. Trust me, I've gone over the words again and again in my mind. They'll come out soon. One tough thing is that D5 is always around. I can't say it in front of her.
Rob, Thanks for the "Atta-Girl". I needed that! I made it to my running group last night and we went 3 miles. Whew! Never thought I could do that but I did. YEAH!!
Well, I better get back to work. I have to admit that I haven't had a lot of motivation here lately and I need to get it back. The bosses will soon take notice if I don't.
Have a great day!!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Your comments below are so true. His actions are showing a lot.....and it's not good. Cold, snippy, rude....etc. He's denied seeing OW but I've seen proof otherwise....and I've called him out on it using his own phone (texts/calls) and her new business card (in his pocket) as proof. 
, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I've been trying to get out about twice a week on my own to run. I fractured a toe a few weeks ago though, so it was tough for a little while. I was considerate last night and asked H if he had any plans for the evenings this week. I have something each night for the rest of the week. Nothing late, but it still leaves him at home alone with D5 for an extra couple of hours. When I told him about continuing with my running classes he rolled his eyes. I asked him why he can't just give me one shred of a "that's great" or "atta-girl" for getting up off my behind and at least trying.....and continuing now for 7 weeks. I just got a blank stare at the tv.
What I don't understand is the fact that he came back to us. I wanted my family, but didn't beg or even ask him to come back. I was on my own. He was free and clear to do whatever he wanted, which is what he desperately wanted for months. Why take all of this out on me when he made the decison to come back? It just still all confuses me. It doesn't really make me anywhere near as sad or angry, just still confused.
