First Locked Thread in 5 Years!

[tpaschal]

Pam,

No, I don't think you're upset with me. I know you are getting lots of conflicting advice, and I know how confusing this is!

You are getting a lot of positive baby steps from him, and that's awesome! I would just like to see you take the focus off of him a bit and put it on YOU and what YOU really want and need. You are focused on exH, thinking about what he's thinking, what he's feeling, what he's planning, how he'll react to your reactions to his reactions to your reactions......... LOL! You know what I mean.

I know how hurt you were a few weeks back when you found out he was still dating someone else. So, has that ended? You have said several times you couldn't go through all of this again while he was still dating other people. So has he committed to not seeing anyone else while the two of you try to figure out what you have together? Or have you softened your stance on that? I don't remember seeing that, but I have been largely computer-less for a couple of weeks now and may have missed it. I just don't want to see you go through pain and disappointment again if he has NOT stopped seeing other people.

And if he is still seeing other people, I still don't think you should "give up" on him. I would never encourage you to shut him down if he was trying to make a reconnection to you, even if he WAS still dating others. My fondest wish and greatest hope for everyone on this board is that they renew their marriages, if that's what they want! Hey, as big an a&& as my ex is, and as many doubts and questions as I have about him right now, reconciling with him is still my prayer! I've just decided that I'm not going to sit and wait and let life pass me by on the off-chance that he might someday finally be ready for that.

I just don't want you to get your hopes up again, only to find out that your exH is not ready to make a decision yet. If you are still willing to ride the rollercoaster, it would at least be helpful to know that you ARE still ON the rollercoaster! If he's not ready to explore a new relationship with you, and you are still on the rollercoaster for a few more turns, I would encourage you to branch out. Put him on the back burner for a while! Don't put all of your eggs in his basket! (How many other worthy cliche's can I throw in here? Nah, I'm sure you get the point.)

Honestly, I'm not trying to encourage you to date! It's just that you have mentioned it more than once, so I assumed it was on your mind.

And I agree with Jack---I do NOT take back the hand slap! You were the one who said "exH needs to see that I won't be hanging out forever." And yes, I did catch that you followed it up by saying it's not just a ploy. I understand. I'm in a similar spot right now! (Trying to decide if I really want to date, or if I'd just be using it to try to get my ex's attention. I'm torn. It really is a bit of both.) You just have to be so careful to make sure that it would be for the right reasons.

I want you to make sure you are focusing on YOU and what's best for YOU. Oftentimes we DB'ers focus so much energy on our ex's and trying to save or renew our marriages, that we don't stop and take stock of where we are in our lives, to really examine the new person we are now, to see if reconciling with our ex is really what is best and healthiest for us at this point in time.

Take care of YOU.

[tpaschal]

we DB'ers focus so much energy on our ex's and trying to save or renew our marriages, that we don't stop and take stock of where we are in our lives, to really examine the new person we are now, to see if reconciling with our ex is really what is best and healthiest for us at this point in time.

Take care of YOU.

Maybe I should explain my reasoning for this---I have a friend with a WAH, 45ish, 3 kids, much younger OW, the whole 9 yards. They went through a very difficult and acrimonious divorce. She was a stander throughout their divorce and for over two years afterwards. Finally got to the point where she realized life was passing her by while she was sitting around waiting on her ex to get a clue, and she decided that enough was enough.

She got on with the getting on. She pursued her own life. Went back to school and finished her degree. Met a great guy in the process and started dating. ExH sat up and took notice. Started coming around and showing interest in her. Soon said he wanted to get back together.

She thought about it really, really, really hard. Realized she wasn't ready for that, and finally said, no thank you. Her ex couldn't believe it. Her kids hated her guts for a while.

But she is adamant in her belief that if they had tried to get back together at that point in time, it wouldn't have worked. Her ex was curious and jealous, but he hadn't yet faced all his demons or finished doing the work on himself.

Two more years went by. Ex had a life-changing, revealing experience that humbled him. She was there to be a friend and talk to him when he needed it. At that point, when exH asked again if they could try again, she knew he had done the work on himself and it would be worth the risk.

They recently remarried after over 5 years apart. :-)

[CMNM]

I get what you're saying, TP. I do.

And you are correct, the whole "stance" is muddled. I really have no idea what he is doing when he is not here. It is muddled mainly because he has been spending so much time around here and if not, accounting for time away. However, I do know that doesn't mean much, as it really hasn't in the past.

I kind of don't know how to get myself out of this right now. On one hand, I want to continue the positive steps, as he has attempted them before and when we get so far I get way impatient and create some major drama. I would like to see what happens when I don't do that for a change. However, I can see why it plays out that way as I just get tired of this whole situation.

I was thinking last night though that this is his "safe" place. His house is a wreck, and he works from home most of the time and HATES his job right now. I think he likes to leave there and come here. I, however, like getting to know him there.

I don't know if I continue taking his calls and visits or what if this doesn't really progress. I am already getting weary of the calls because there is so much unsaid.

All in all, I am in a place that I don't like.

So, you say, remove yourself from it.

Yes, indeed. I do talk about it, after all, that's what this forum is for. Does it consume my every thought and feeling? No, not really. Of course I want this relationship. It is just really tricky right now. I know I need to drop the worry. That's why I come here- to be reminded of that.

Last night I got home from the gym and he was here. I sat in the living room a bit, doing some work on my laptop. After a while I went up to bed (quite early). When he went to leave he came up to my room to ask me if everything was ok. I assured him that it was. He talked to son a bit and then came back in, hugged me, and said, "tomorrow will be better."

So, here it is, tomorrow.

It will be better. I have dinner plans and a good attitude. OK, semi-good attitude.

I don't want to be hurt anymore either, TP. I am trying really hard to prevent that.

Thanks for your kind words.

Pam

[oldtimer]

Pam,

Sorry, wasn't meaning to sound snide. I was really just teasing you a little in a friendly, smiling, winking way, even though I see that it didn't sound like that.

Trust me, from this perspective, it is pretty clear that you are a place that lies a bit of a way from really being ready to date. The automatic, uninformed "not an online dater" comment is pretty standard from people in that place. Kind of like a sex-toy hater who rejects them as dirty, stupid, pointless, ineffective, etc... until she gets one. Odd analogy, but I'm in a hurry, lol.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

OT Your analogy was awesome. Thanks for making me smile today.

[CMNM]

OT,

Ahhhh! I get it now. And, yes, I had to smile.
I think I am just a walking contradiction.


What I am ready for is to allow myself to see that there are men out there who will treat me better. I didn't want to admit that to myself- I wanted to keep fooling myself into believing that despite all, XH is a great guy.

Well, he's not. RIGHT NOW, he is not honest, he is not giving, he complains a LOT, and he is selfish. There. I said it out loud. OK, not really. But in print. If you go thru everything that I have ever written you will see that it is pretty rare that I speak badly of him. It is still really hard for me to say the word "Liar." I don't know why it is so hard to come to terms with that.

The online dating thing comes more from my lack of confidence in putting myself out there. I don't think I want anyone looking at my pic and judging me on it. Actually, I am sure I don't want that. I don't see that ever changing. I am sure there are great guys to be had out there, but it will never be the way I could go about it.

People reject sex toys?
Sheesh. What kind of world are we living in?


Pam

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The really suck part...really...is realizing that your spouse might not ever have treated you as well as you deserve. Might never in fact. Seriously, has been a topic of conversation for a few of us.

And while that may be true in some cases...the treatment after the MLC is a whole ton better than the treatment during the MLC. Hell it would have to be.

WAIT a second... C, honest, you are a fox. You'd catch my eye on the street, so I'm not sure where this lack of confidence is coming from...unless you're just doing that to garner some compliments...which fine you got one.

[CMNM]

Yes, Jack, it really does suck. I wonder if he will treat the next person better?

But I will stop wondering that...
too much energy in the wrong place and all.

A fox--- I am laughing out loud. I did not say that to get a compliment...and you have no idea how "icky" it is to me that you, BND, etc. have seen me! I don't know if all of this has taken just too heavy of a toll on my self esteem. Which, of course, is ZERO attractive.

But, anyway, thanks for the compliment. It made my day, actually. As did the word fox, which I haven't heard since Andy Gibb was still alive, I think.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Been hagning out with the wrong crowds then, the pinky in the air tea sipping types my dear. Andy Gibb...hahaha...

The Brothers Gibb speak of a sickness that only strikes on Saturday night....

[CMNM]

Well, hell, Jack. Get out your platform shoes and let's hit the disco!
Maybe I'll have more luck there than online.

If not, I hear tell of certain toys that sound interesting.....