WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[confusedinpa]

Now I understand what the issue is and am working on me so that we can work on it.

What is the issue?

You are working on you for yourself.

The issue between us was/is communication. Both of us would try and jump into each other's mind and assume how/what each of us felt and thought. This lead to many wrong assumptions. On my side I thought I was doing everything that she wanted and on her side she felt she told me enough for me to realize what she wanted.

A clear example is how she wanted me to get up earlier on the weekends (during the week I was leaving for work at 4:30 AM so I was sleeping in until 11 - noon on the weekends). She said she would tell me that she wanted me to get up earlier. I would then tell her that I would get up an hour earlier and she would say that would be better. I would get up earlier and after 2-3 months, she would complain again. I would get up an hour earlier and she would again say that would be better. Then the cycle would repeat. Apparently, every weekend she would be resentful/angry in the mornings until I got up.

In hindsight, when she brought up the issue, either I should have asked what time she wanted me to get up or she should have said an hour earlier is not good enough and that she wanted me to get up at 6:30 AM with the boys like she was. This is where we both owned the problem of communication.

Because she didn't feel that her needs were met, she felt unloved/unlovable, unimportant, etc. This lead to her resentment and anger.

She said that she felt that I was not as developed as her emotionally. She said I was like a 12 year old emotionally

She feels like she is "mothering" you. Not attractive to a female. She doesn't need another child she needs her man, partner, friend, lover and husband. Note I didn't say you were a emotional 12 yr old but your W "feels" that way. Change her feelings about that.

She had said that in the past, where she felt that she had 3 boys in the house. I didn't understand what that meant until now. Oddly, in the "Love without Hurt" book, it talks about how the things that attracted her originally wind up being the very things that hurt her as resentment/anger builds up. Some of the things she "liked" about me was that I was playful, funny, ambitous, take charge type of guy. She thought I was very stable and would make a good father. So now, when I'm playful with my kids, she thought I was being childish. As I was ambitious and actively pursued my career to the point where I more than doubled my income in the last 5 years, she felt the job was more important than her. When I would take charge, she now feels I was controlling and not including her in the decisions.

So these are the things I'm aware of now. I need to still be those things, but also be aware of when it triggers hurt to her core value and not let it build into resentment, as well as not hurt her core valuse to begin with....

So much to learn....

[antlers]

Great book, for me! I can tell by your post that you've read it. I hope it helps you as much as it is helping me. I'm really learning from it.

[confusedinpa]

Great book, for me! I can tell by your post that you've read it. I hope it helps you as much as it is helping me. I'm really learning from it.

I'm not done with it yet, about 90% of the way through. My approach was to read it through first and then go through the excercise/worksheet.

Before my wife left, when she brought up taking the space and time to find a therapist/counselor as well as do some reading, I did show her the book and told her that it was helping me understand some of the things/issues. I suggested that she may find it helpful as the first half was talking about how the wife felt. She said that when I was finished with it that she may like to borrow it. I was thinking about just getting her a copy as this seemed like a book that I was going to work with for a while...

[confusedinpa]

I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends. He's a non-DB guy, but he is a close friend and I do respect his thoughts/opinions.

I hadn't talked to him in a couple of weeks as he's been busy at work (late hours as well as traveling).

I brought him up to speed and he offered a couple of thoughts/opinions and I'm curious what everyone's thoughts are on what he said:

With respect to helping her move, I had told him how I told her that I didn't want her to leave and it really hurt to see her go. I do love her enough that I wanted her to feel free to do what she felt she needed to do so I wasn't going to stand in her way. I didn't want to help her leave as it would be hurtful to me, but since I love her so much, I would if she really wanted me to. She had said yes and asked me to take apart a bookcase and help split up the kids books/toys. Which I did (albeit without a lot of enthusiasm).

I also told him how I told her that I will be respecting her need for time and space/boundaries. Outside of talking about the kids, I was not going to text/email/call her. I would wait for her to take the initiative. She said that I didn't have to do that as if there was something special going on with the kids I should invite her - not pressure or guilt her, but just invite her. I asked how about something just for the 2 of us. She said she would have to think about that.

My friend offered the following thought/comment:

He said that if it was him, he would approach it as that he was now trying to date/woo someone who is being pursued by 3 other guys. If that's the case, he would want to make sure that he is the one that she can count on if she needs anything, especially when the "chips" are down. So he said that he would have done alot more to help her move. And he would also make sure that she knew that he was interested and that she was his "top priority".

Interestingly enough, that was how I "won" my wife's heart in the beginning.

But this is so anti-DB/Mr. Nice Guy.

So let the debate begin.

Go Dark/Dim or go into full "woo" mood?

[antlers]

Great book, for me! I can tell by your post that you've read it. I hope it helps you as much as it is helping me. I'm really learning from it.

I'm not done with it yet, about 90% of the way through. My approach was to read it through first and then go through the excercise/worksheet.

Before my wife left, when she brought up taking the space and time to find a therapist/counselor as well as do some reading, I did show her the book and told her that it was helping me understand some of the things/issues. I suggested that she may find it helpful as the first half was talking about how the wife felt. She said that when I was finished with it that she may like to borrow it. I was thinking about just getting her a copy as this seemed like a book that I was going to work with for a while...

If you think she'll be receptive to it...I'd get her a copy. Maybe some day my wife will be receptive to reading it. I know it'd help her to understand why I acted the way I did.

[MrBond]

Go dim first, then when things get light enough between you two, do the wooing thing. But let her come to you rather than the other way around.

You have to attract her.

[confusedinpa]

Go dim first, then when things get light enough between you two, do the wooing thing. But let her come to you rather than the other way around.

You have to attract her.

That was my original plan until I talked to my friend who brought up the wooing piece

Its tough for me to figure out when she's "coming to me" as she has continued what's she done over the past several weeks. She calls as well as sends me emails of jokes/humor

Figure I'll just play it Dim for a couple of weeks and see how it goes

[MrBond]

Yes. You haven't even given her space yet.

My recommendation would be to wait at least one month before you entertain the thought of slowly interacting with her with the idea of trying to woo her.

[confusedinpa]

Yes. You haven't even given her space yet.

My recommendation would be to wait at least one month before you entertain the thought of slowly interacting with her with the idea of trying to woo her.

I know that it's early and I haven't given her space yet. Our youngest starts baseball next week so I'll see her at least every other Weds - not sure if she's going to show up when it's not her Weds.

I'm sorta down tonite - the last 2 nites, the kids called me to say goodnite. It didn't happen today. She said that she had been asking them if they want to call. Hopefully she just didn't ask tonite and it's not that they said no.....

My mom and aunt are leaving during the day tomorrow so I'll be by myself tomorrow when I get home. It will be tough, but I do have my therapist appointment tomorrow afternoon. Perhaps I'll go to the gym tomorrow afterwards as well just so it won't be that early when I get home.

Plus I owe a couple of my friends some call back as they have left messages over the last couple of days, but since I've been with my mom and aunt, I haven't had time to call them back.

Plus I hope the Ipod Touch that I ordered shows up tomorrow so I can play with it tomorrow nite.

Hopefully that will be enough to kill the time and I won't be freaking out too much.....

Wish me luck!

[MrBond]

For those times when you start to lose hope, I found a great podcast to help me.

Here is the info:

For that podcast, go to the itunes music store and search for
"first aid wounded marriage"

It's a free podcast from Marilynn Phillips that is great.