First Locked Thread in 5 Years!

[sunshinelewis]

One of the easiest ways for XH to feel the space he needs from you, BTW, when you won't make it for him, is for him to create it by reaching out to OW.

Oldtimer can you please explain this further.

CMNM hang in there!

Also oldtimer have you read my thread? Would love to here your take on my sitch, if you have the time.

[CMNM]

OT!

Came around to administer the the light slap, eh?

Yeah, I hear ya. And I did know better. At that moment, part of me just wanted a little bit of truth. Something, anything. I spend a lot of time avoiding the truth when it comes to him, so I took a deep breath and decided that in that moment I could take it. Not saying it was the right choice....just my reasoning.

I do have to stick up for myself on the "quit pursuing him so heavily" thing. 90% of the time he calls or texts me. He comes HERE. When he is here I do my own thing, unless he has come specifically to see me. We started to slip back into our old patterns, with him hanging out here, and last night I told him that son can take my car to drive over there for their Monday night together. I don't think it is good for me for him to come hang out here so much when things are so up in the air. I didn't explain why (a positive for me)- I just let him know that's how we would do it.

Your last line--- believe me, I think a lot about that. It is not as if I get nothing from his companionship, however, I do give a lot more than I get. I would entertain the thought of a date with someone else if the right person asked. I think this would be a good thing. I do believe he needs to see that I am not going to hang out here forever. It is not a ploy, either. I have a lot to give and I am sure there is someone out there who may appreciate this a little more.

You sure don't sound as if this has much hope. It plays on the part of me that entertains that thought, too. I guess all I can say is that I am not as dumb as the person who you are seeing/reading. I am not naive and I am not living in some fantasy world. I guess all I can say is that I have made so many mistakes that I want to know that I cleared those up, and THEN if it still doesn't work I can walk away knowing I did all that I could.

Thanks,
P.

[tpaschal]

It is not as if I get nothing from his companionship, however, I do give a lot more than I get. I would entertain the thought of a date with someone else if the right person asked. I think this would be a good thing. I do believe he needs to see that I am not going to hang out here forever. It is not a ploy, either. I have a lot to give and I am sure there is someone out there who may appreciate this a little more.

You sure don't sound as if this has much hope. It plays on the part of me that entertains that thought, too. I guess all I can say is that I am not as dumb as the person who you are seeing/reading. I am not naive and I am not living in some fantasy world. I guess all I can say is that I have made so many mistakes that I want to know that I cleared those up, and THEN if it still doesn't work I can walk away knowing I did all that I could.

Thanks,
P.

Pam,

Hey, girl! How are ya? My house (and therefore, my life) is in upheaval right now! I hate remodeling! And why is it that the different contractors and repairmen always tell you their specific project will only take one or two days, and then every single one ends up taking a week or more!!?? I can't wait for it to be finished. I'm at the end of my rope financially, and need this house to sell quickly!

So, got a coupla comments for ya. Please forgive me if I sound like a broken record. And...Umm...I maybe have a little hand slap for ya? Hrmm hrmm. <clearing my throat>

You are NOT a dumb, naive person living in a fantasy world, and no one here thinks so! (Well, I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but I haven't read anyone here who says that.) I don't know you in person, but we've corresponded long enough that I can tell you are a loving, loyal, generous, committed woman who made/makes mistakes but who still loved/loves her husband. I completely understand and totally agree that you should make sure you've done what you can to correct the mistakes you've made, and let your exH know you are changing for the better and you still care about him.

But you've done that, and now you ARE still pursuing. Stop it, stop it, stop it! (Imagine a childish foot stomp for emphasis.) ;-)

It's great that he is the one who calls and texts you most of the time, but sometimes you say things that you KNOW are pursuing, and you do it anyway. Quit it.

You say that sometimes you just need some truth or some answers. Well, right now you're not going to get the answers you want in most cases, so quit it. And even if he says something that could be taken as a positive, it could be because he's feeling pressured to say it, so it turns to a negative.

OT (or Jack?) said that if he wants a real, committed, monogamous relationship with you, he will absolutely, unequivocally let you know it. So unless you're at the point of a "final ultimatum" talk, where you absolutely 100% mean that you are done, and if he came back 3 months from that point you really would say NO to him, then quit it. Quit trying to get answers or understand. Quit asking him questions he probably doesn't know the answer to yet. Bite your tongue HARD if you have to. Pinch yourself. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it!

Oh, believe me, I know how hard it is! And I'm preaching the "do as I say, not as I do" sermon! Cuz you and me? We're control freaks. We need answers, and we need to understand. We also talk too much and overexplain. We think that if we could just find the right way to say something, or the right way to express our feelings, or the right way to apologize, or the right way to do something, we could make the sitch all better. We could make our exes see the light that much quicker. But ya know what? WE CAN'T.




Oops. This is turning into a novel, as usual. <sigh> I'm gonna split it up into a couple of posts.

[tpaschal]

Next part:

Personally, I do NOT think you are at the "final ultimatum" point (where you refuse to have any further non-kid-related contact with him if he's not interested in reconciling.) And since you are not ready to give up on him completely, stop pursuing him and START PURSUING YOUR OWN LIFE.

This does NOT mean giving up on him. I think it DOES mean allowing yourself to see that there are other attractive options for your life besides reconciling with your exH. (And by "attractive options" I don't only mean men. Lol!) I know you do some social things, but do something new! And if you are starting to consider dating, go to a singles mixer in your area. Attend a Singles class or event at your church. Just get out and meet NEW people. You could even do the free trial period on one of the online dating sites! You don't have to actually go out with any of them. Just give yourself permission to look and consider the possibilities! (Good Lord, I sound like a commercial, don't I? Lol!)


And now that we're on the subject of dating, here's the hand slap:
You do NOT go out on a date because your exH needs to see that you won't hang out there forever. !!!

If you go out on a date, it's because you've met someone you like that you want to get to know better!

If you do say yes to a date, it should just be about you and that person. ExH shouldn't factor into the equation at all, because that's not fair to the person you're going on the date with. (Oh, I know it will be impossible to keep from comparing someone new to exH, at least in the beginning, but that's normal. Hopefully, the new person will compare quite favorably!) But teaching exH a lesson, or proving something to him, should not be the motivating factor for you saying yes to a date with someone new.

IMO, you need to be secure (in the knowledge that you have options and you don't have to hang around waiting for exH forever) BEFORE you start dating!!

Okay, okay, maybe that's a little too cut and dried. You don't have to have all the answers from the very beginning. I do think it's okay in the early stages if you go out with someone very casually just to prove to yourself that you can do it and that there are interesting men out there who are interested in you.

But in that case, YOUR wants, YOUR needs, YOUR curiosity, should be the motivating factor for going on the date, NOT because exH needs to see that you won't hang out there forever. !!!!!

Again, it doesn't mean you are giving up on exH. It just means that at this point he is only one of your options.

[CMNM]

TP,

You take that hand slap back right now! You obviously missed where I said "not as a ploy," after discussing dating.

Sigh, I know I have been here too long to make some of the mistakes that I do. But that is certainly not one of them. If so, I would have done that by now. It is the VERY reason I have not dated. I knew that I had way too much baggage.

I realize I need to get past this "the whole thing is my fault" issue that I have.

Just please guys, don't lecture me on GAL! I work full time, I go to the gym 3-4 times a week, I have a standing dinner date every Tuesday with friends, I have a standing drink date with a group once a week, and the weekends are usually full with something. This weekend I am going out with friends from college and I just accepted an invitation for cocktails with another group. I hate that I am typing this, but I just feel as if I am not telling you who I really am in some way.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not mad. This is just a lot to absorb. I was trying to focus on "what would things look like if they were getting better?" and a big one for me is the calls at night just to talk. I feel I need those if I am to go anywhere with this.

Yes, I made a mistake with the helping around the house thing. I will not bring it up again. The movie we were supposed to see together? I will go see it with someone else, since I see no time to see it with our schedules before it is taken out of the theaters.

I am smart enough to know that because I am feeling defensive I need to think on this some more. But, I have to say, all in all I really thought I was doing things better.

Off to make dinner.

[brandnewday]

Hey Pam!!

I don't think you have done anything wrong.
Perhaps your expectations are just a little high...

Listen, and this is just my opinion....

You want a brand new relationship with your Husband, not more of the same.

Yes there are some good things that you want back from the relationship, but ultimately the "old" Marriage is dead.

You have to be patient as both of you have to learn how to trust one another again, and this takes time.

I wish you could enjoy this time, and take it slowly and look at it as an adventure, a journey of sorts.

Neither of you is the same person, try to remember that.

I know you can do this!

(((((hugs hugs)))))

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Conflicting advice...on reaching out. It seems? Maybe I'm ready that wrong.

The way I see it...if he takes several steps toward you in a manner you want him too, he should be rewarded by seeing you take at least one step toward him as well. Not running all the way back to him however.

This tentative talking and such, this is hard. Who knows where it will go...this is fragile right now, it could be so easy to destroy this tiny possibly growing communication and relationship that seems to be budding... C, don't ever get me wrong this is hard stuff lots of second guessing and worry. Lots of feeling stupid, like how could I do this again? If you want to be married you simpy do.

C, what people see here is what we present to them. Hard to see the REAL us. Am I this much of a d i ck in RL? : ) Sometimes, but then I don't usually have my friends in RL complaining about the same issue day in and day out...no not you C.

It's only a mistake if you don't learn from it.

I realize I need to get past this "the whole thing is my fault" issue that I have.

That'd be cool. : )

I'm not sure that hand slap needs to be taken back by the way...if it wasn't on your mind...then you wouldn't have taken the time to write it. : ) food for thought. Everyone has baggage, eveyone, the difference lies in whether you carry it or if someone else has too.

By my book, you REALLY are doing better.

[CMNM]

BND,

Good points there. You are absolutely right...this needs to be a new relationship. I know that I am the one who keeps one foot stuck in the old one. I need to think on that.

Jack,
Thank you for describing what I am going thru so well! I do not want to start spinning again with all of this conflicting advice. But, I am trying to be really careful to not pick out the things that I want to hear and to discard the ones that strike a nerve.


Ha ha... I am quite sure you are this much of a D in real life. Actually, I have never thought of you in that way. You are concise and witty. You say it like you see it. And, you do things that make me laugh, like calling SL "Lewis." I laugh everytime I see that for some silly reason. BTW, thanks for adding "no, not you C" in reference to people complaining about the same thing day in and day out.

Yeah, I know that you guys only see the neurotic me. So, I should expect what I get at times. And, though it stings at times, I really do need to hear these things.

Quote:

I realize I need to get past this "the whole thing is my fault" issue that I have.



That'd be cool. : )

See? concise. Acknowledged and appreciated.


I still will disagree on the dating thing. Yeah, I took the time for the disclaimer--- only cuz I know how people think around here. I am curious about dating--- kind of. If I am honest, when XH talked about dating exclusively in the fall I was kind of mad at myself for not exploring that option when I had the chance. It is not out of the question. I just really haven't had many offers. People say it is because I am not open to it--- that if I opened myself up people would come. I don't know about that. I just know that I am not the online dating type and my profession is one that I don't see many men in a given day.

By my book, you REALLY are doing better.

Thanks for that. I really do appreciate it.

TP, if you are reading this please don't think you upset me. I know you will! It is just a frustrating place to be. I want to learn to trust, yet I don't want to blindly do so. I try to put things in the past, but every once in a while something pops into my head and I don't know if I should allow it the headspace or let it go. Learn from the past/ forget the past and move on.... yikes! What's a girl to do?

I am going to lay low. Which is pretty much where I have been for awhile now. BARRING SOME MISTAKES, of course. He is to the point of calling, coming by, or texting each day. I try my best to keep these as short and positive interactions. I will drive myself crazy if I analyze why he takes the time to do this, or worse yet, remind myself that we have been here before only to find out that there was lots going on behind the scenes of which I was completely ignorant.

I know that I have to get boundaries back in place, and I will do that despite my fear of jeopardizing the postive steps that have been taken. Hopefully I will do it with love and tact.

Sheesh. Why does this have to be so complicated????

[oldtimer]

Yes, I can see why you wouldn't be the online dating type. After all, the last time you were trying to date, the online dating thing didn't work for you at all. May as well keep the door closed on that option.

[CMNM]

OT,

???

I'm ignorant here...

Are you being snide? Do you have me confused with someone else? What am I not getting?