Piecing? I wish. But, no, I couldn't call it that. In my mind, to be piecing a couple would have had to verbalize the intent in some way, shape, or form. That has not been done here.
Do I think he lives with regret? Yes. Do I think that part of him wants this relationship? Again, yes. Do I think he will follow through with the work that it will take for him to have a healthy relationship? Jury is out on that one. I see him taking the easy way out- the quick fix, the adoring "girlfriends." Heck, I don't even know where he stands with that. He could actually be busy working on his house, or he could just have other plans that he isn't going to admit to. I suppose if I were anywhere near piecing this would not be an issue.
Quote:
C, you realize you 'overthink' things. But when do you realize that? In hindsight? Later? the next day? Or hopefully do you realize it AS you are overthinking? If that is the case you can stop it. Laugh at yourself if you have too but stop and engage yourself in something else.
I suppose the problem is that I usually realize it later. Like, I don't know why I didn't call him back on Sunday. He asked me to, and instead of taking it as his desire to talk to me I backed away from it because I was afraid of giving it away that I was hurt. I should have just called in the first place, instead of the text. I know that I just wanted to know that he was coming here for me, too. That if the kids were gone and he knew it, he must really want to see me if he'd still make the trip. That is just too much thought wrapped up in a simple act. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing by staying out of the conversation. I didn't think about the many ways I could have handled it that did not include assuming and hurt feelings.
Sigh, I guess the problem isn't overthinking as much as it is worst-case-scenario thinking.
Speak up, speak plainly, speak sooner. All that without pursuing. Damn, this is hard!!!!
I wonder if I will ever feel confident that he is "in," as in really and truly. We've had so many false starts and stops. I can't help but wonder if the stops were caused by my negativity or the fact that he just wasn't that into it. Each time I regroup and then tell myself that I could have done better. And then we get here again.
I always say back,"there are some things that i need to change. You have to trust that I am making decisions based on what I want for my life, not solely to fit better into YOURS."
Simple:
"I'm changing for me not you."
But your way isn't nearly as wordy! And we know that I go for the most words...almost as if I were getting paid for each one!
My last thread is the only one that ever locked. I mostly posted on the threads of my friends. I used to be in the infidelity forum, I think. My last thread contains a recap.
Update:
XH called me last night and we talked for a bit before bed. (OK, it was 12 minutes, I just happened to look on my phone log.)
He texted me today a simple "How are you today?" He had told me that he had to watch his texts (work phone), so I called him back instead of texting. We talked for a good half hour.
He is going to be taking a new certification test for his job, so we talked about how I used to help him study. He said he is having a hard time studying this time around. I told him that he should leave the study guide here and we could make a daily time for me to ask him questions, say 10:00 - 10:15. We were laughing about this and then he said, "I really like this idea. Maybe we could even set up the webcams and do it that way." He said he was going to think some more about it, but that he hoped I was serious because it sounded like a plan.
On Saturday XH was here all day long, working with son on his car. We had a nice lunch together and he was in and out of the house all day--- usually not passing by without a hug. He didn't leave until about 1 a.m.
Today he called me at about 12:00. I was in the grocery store. We talked for a few minutes and then I asked if there was anything he needed while I was there. He asked, "are you serious?" I said, "sure, why not?" He asked for a couple of items- no big deal. I said it would be no problem at all, and we actually were still chatting as I located the things and put them in my cart. He thanked me, even choking up a bit as he said, "You are......the best."
He was here when I got home- he stayed for a couple hours then said he needed to get back to work on his house.
I asked him what he got done this weekend and listened as he told me all about it and described what he still needed to do. I have offered before to help, but he never really replies. A couple of weeks ago when I offered to drive son over there for their Monday night together he said something like, "You better watch it! I might have to put you to work in here!" But, it never happened.
I would like to help--- it would be a good thing for us because in our marriage I didn't like to do house projects. Mind you, I didn't mind the work, I just didn't like how he did them. If we worked in the yard, for example, he would try to be efficient and work in the back while I worked in the front--- while I would want to work side by side. If you haven't gotten it yet, I like to talk! So, working alone in the yard was never fun for me if he was out there, too. I would usually end up just doing the inside things while he was out there. I figured there was no point in following his schedule if we weren't going to be together anyway.
So, now this would be a chance to just be an efficient worker-- no need to talk. I am better at that now, seeing as I am alone so much now.
The one bad thing I did this weekend was to push that a little. When he complained about all of the work I said, "you know, I would be happy to help you." He was noncommital. So, I said, "is there a reason you don't want my help?" He didn't really answer, so I said, "I'm serious." He said he didn't know. I should have let it go, but I just don't understand this. So, I told him that I would do my best work (he is very particular), or if need be just do clean-up while he and son worked. He said, "actually, that's not a bad idea- the three of us working together could get a lot done." I dropped it then. I shouldn't have taken it that far, I know. I just don't understand his reluctance for the help- judging by how much he is here.
In some ways I am feeling a little burnt out on this--- I feel as though I am working so hard to change this, change that (mind you, I realize I needed to change some things), keep up my PMA...and I give, give, give without asking for anything in return. (I was just reminded of a line from one of my favorite movies, Bull Durham: "What's in it for me?) I don't actually feel as if I am owed something, but I would like a gesture like a movie or dinner or something.
This is why I mess this up over and over. I get to this point and get impatient. Don't worry-- since I know this I will be careful not to. Maybe if I ride this out a bit I can see if something comes next, seeing I never make it this far.
OK, I just reached another goal. XH just called me as he was on his way home from a weekly sporting event. Early on in our separation he would call as he drove home. He stopped doing that. It is funny, because I looked at the clock a couple of hours ago and thought about that. I was thinking about my desire to have those days back again-- with no real hope of it being anytime soon. About a half hour ago he called as he was driving home- "just to say hi." We had a nice chat and he said he'd talk to me tomorrow.
I feel like I am getting back to the days where he is thinking about me when we are apart.
So, my goal this week is to not blow this again by getting all needy and demanding. I have lots of things on my agenda this week, so that should not be a problem.
FWIW, anytime you have to say something defensive like "I dropped it then. I shouldn't have taken it that far, I know. I just don't understand..." it probably means that you were shooting yourself in the foot, knew you were shooting yourself in the foot, and did it anyway. ;P
If he wants to come clean, if he wants to try an exclusive romantic R with you, HE WILL MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR. If that is not where he is, then he will not be clear on it, precisely because it is not his intent.
Quit pursuing XH so heavily, I feel crowded by you lol. One of the easiest ways for XH to feel the space he needs from you, BTW, when you won't make it for him, is for him to create it by reaching out to OW.
Finally, if you don't feel like you are getting anything out of his companionship, then you should probably just let go and move on...
