WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[confusedinpa]

recognizing what the emotions are is the issue I'm dealing with

I can relate to that. That is "Emotional Intelligence." Were you told how to feel as a kid? Or did you put on a "mask" to hide your feelings?

The Coach self-help library is vast. Spent lot's of time trying to understand my own feelings and frustrations. I am still a WIP. Sounds like you are doing some work on yourself. Keep it up.
Cheers

Right now the feeling I'm struggling with is to understand what do I feel about my wife. My therapist had asked me what do I love about my wife. To be frank, right now, there isn't much. She really has changed from the loving, caring person into someone who is very selfish. Perhaps this is where compassion needs to come in, to understand what the other person is feeling.

If I can believe what she says, that she's still hurting. It must be an incredible hurt to be willing to destroy everything that we built up as a family. She says she knows that the logical thing had been to stay together for the kids, but she says that she couldn't do it as she was "too tired" or "didn't have enough energy" to keep trying. I can definitely relate as I do feel the pain she had gone through . For her she said it was years, and I've gone through it since Jan and I am tired as well. It is painful to be constantly rejected by the person you love. That is what she said she felt. That's what I've been going through. This is the core hurt that "Love without Hurt" talked about, that the rejection makes you feel unloveable.

I think that was part of my issue - I've always said that I was a tough person to love. I guess that was my way of expressing tha I felt unloveable. That's where my jealousy or fear of losing her took over and drove my controlling behavior that controlled her right out the door.

She was suppose to come over tonite after the kids went to bed to split up some of their toys. She called me and text me a few times, but my youngest wouldn't go to bed. He finally fell asleep around 9:45 PM. I called her to let her know at 10:15, but at that point, she had fallen asleep.

In a way, I'm relieved not to have to deal with it tonite (I really didn't want to see her), but know that this is going to cause more drama in the morning.

Oh well, so starts nite 1 of the seperation.....

[confusedinpa]

My boys woke up around 6:30. I went into their room and I could both seemed a little down. My 7 year old said he wanted me to go to mommy's place as well. I said I couldn't. My 3 year old started to cry saying he wanted to stay with me. It was sad but I knew I had to be strong for them

I got them dressed and then had them collect some toys for them to take with them. They seemed ok by the time my wife came to pick then up.

We chatted lightly about the kids. Then she packed up the kids stuff. I got hugs from the boys and said I would see them Thurs. As they drove away in the car, I waved to them from the driveway and could see my oldest tearing up.

Oddly, I was only really upset for about 5 minutes once I got inside. I thought about crying it out but it was over very quickly. I thought it would have been harder. Maybe it is really over. Maybe I'm getting depressed again where I'm shutting down my emotions. Maybe I'm just numb from it hurting so much for so long. I don't know

I will be going to church this morning. First time in years where I went 2 weeks in a row

I will be praying for strength and wisdom to survive this situation

It hurts and I'm mad...

[confusedinpa]

My aunt and mom came over to help me through the first few days. First time I've seen my mom for more than just 4-5 hours in over 20 years. Hope it doesn't turn out to be a mistake ;-p

I'm really missing my boys but not my wife. Funny, that's what my wife said when I got back from CT with the boys about 4 weeks ago. She missed the boys but not me. It hurt when she said it to me, but I can see that it's hard to miss someone you are mad at.

She and I are suppose to go to the "court mandated" Children of Divorce seminar. I still haven't decided if we're going to ride together or not. My wife did ask me to let her know the details tomorrow (i.e. is she going to pick me up or are we going to meet somewhere or what).

Anyone with any thoughts? Should we ride down together?

[confusedinpa]

That's exactly what this behavior is. Escaping. Running away rather than facing the issue because that's the easier way out. You can see how even she is blaming the H. A breakup is always the fault of both parties. Never one. That's why both people need to be honest about their roles and deal with it head-on.

Surrender and running away is never an option.

That's the thing, I don't think my wife sees her role in what brought us to this point. She keeps saying that she did everything she could to try and get through to me and she just gave up.

Not sure what else there is to do right now other than go DIM.

She would up calling me while I was at church. I thought she knew I was at church and thought there was a problem with the kids so stupid me picked it up. She heard that I was at church (I picked up and walked out into the hallway) and appologized. It was some trivial thing about a spray that my oldest was looking for last nite.

Oh well, whatever.

I really miss my kids. I am mad that my wife has done this. Tough issues to deal with right now while I want to save my marriage.

[GFI2]

Hi thee onfusedinpa

This is a difficult call for you.

Best and prayers for you and yours...

GFI

[Dudess]

I'm really sorry you are hurting. It must be a very rough time for you.

I think it would be good for you and your wife to ride together to the seminar. This is something you both have to do and the focus is on working cooperatively as parents. That's a good thing. I think riding together is a symbolic gesture that you intend to work together to be good parents to your kids.

(((hugs)))

[confusedinpa]

I decided that my wife and I would go together to the seminar. Not sure why.

She had called me last nite as the kids wanted to say good nite to me. She said that she would call me later to talk about going together. I said rather calling me back, i told her that we could and she could pick me up if that works for her. She said it did

Its odd as since she moved out we talked/text very little and only when it was related to the kids stuff and this seminar. I guess this is Dark/Dim. I'm planning on waiting 2 weeks and then move towards Dim as I think I'm too close to Dark.

When I mean Dim, during the Sun AM tranistion ask how she is doing. Or should I not wait that long?

[confusedinpa]

Anybody?

[PMA_Baby!]

I stopped asking how she was doing because she never asked about me. We just talk about our daughter. Once her mind is made up all you can do is give her space and time to figure out if she can forgive and move on. Just take care of yourself and let her initiate convo's. Is my 2 cents.

Good Luck. B

[MrBond]

Just do what's the most comfortable for you. When I first separated, I absolutely hated my W for all the pain she was having me and our daughters go through.

I went through the whole range of emotions. From missing her so much it was practically eating away at me, to hating her guts. Over time, my emotions leveled off and I felt comfortable enough to engage her in friendly conversation. As time went on, I was able to start asking her out to do things as a family. Then one on one.

This took a period of months and not just days. So that's why when I say you have to be dedicated to see this through...you really have to be.

You have to have the patience of a frickin' saint sometimes, but you take it one day at a time. Before you know it, the days become weeks, the weeks become months, etc.

But all that time, I kept things as light as possible even the days I absolutely despised her. All this while staying DIM.