WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[confusedinpa]

I appreciate everyone who has dropped by to offer encouragement/advise. It's really hard for me to sit and wait. That is so contrary to my nature. I'm the typical "MUST FIX" mindset. I know I can't fix the marriage, my wife or the relationship right now. I know I must focus on fixing myself.

Problem is what do I fix as I don't know what I want it to be.

It's like what my therapist/marriage counselor asked me - what do I want to talk about if/when my wife comes to another session.

I don't know. I know the outcome I want is to save the marriage, but don't know how to achieve that outcome directly. The only thing I can do is work on me so I'm really trying to understand me.

Feelings are always such scary things for me as they have brought nothing but pain. It has been so long since I've shut them down that I don't know what they are. I shut them down back when I was 12 due to the situation I was in (growing up in the projects). I thought they were opened back up when I met my wife, but they got shut back down after when my depression sunk in (according to my therapist).

Now that I've been snapped out of my depression, I don't know what to do....

So confusing....

So painful....

I must focus on me and make sure I improve to be the best man, friend, father and hopefully husband I can be

Survive and thrive. That's what I need to focus on....

[Coach]

Feelings are always such scary things for me as they have brought nothing but pain. It has been so long since I've shut them down that I don't know what they are. I shut them down back when I was 12 due to the situation I was in (growing up in the projects). I thought they were opened back up when I met my wife, but they got shut back down after when my depression sunk in (according to my therapist).

Here is where you need to do some work. You are applying coping techniques that you used as a boy to the same situations you are running into as a man. You need to change some of your thinking. Did you ever get "Learned Optimism" ? I promise it will help you.

[confusedinpa]

Here is where you need to do some work. You are applying coping techniques that you used as a boy to the same situations you are running into as a man. You need to change some of your thinking. Did you ever get "Learned Optimism" ? I promise it will help you.

Yes I did get the Learned Optimism book. I hadn't read it yet as I'm still reading Love without Hurt (I'm up to page 250). Since my wife had commentewd about how it seemed I was just following scripts from books, I had only been reading after she went to bed.
Dealing the emotions isn't even the problem yet, recognizing what the emotions are is the issue I'm dealing with

I was talking to my friend who is a current WAW (she moved out almost 5 months ago). Her situation has similarities to mine as to how her husband made her feel neglected/unimportant. She is of the mindset that once a window of opportunity is closed, it is closed.

One thing that she has pointed out was how she could never have done some of the things that my wife had been doing that is so confusing to me. Her advice to me is to give it 3 to 6 months before talking about starting/trying a relationship.

She said when she moved out she was relieved that she escaped. That was because she felt her husband would stop her if he had a chance. I'm hoping my wife doesn't feel that way in my situation. I hadn't helped, and perhaps the door wasn't as open as she would have liked. Granted, her move isn't going smoothly (ie her movers didn't show up on Mon) but she can't blame that on me

I do want to have a marriage with my wife. Not want we had but one that is better. I understand now that's what she had been trying to tell me when she brought up counseling a couple of years ago. I didn't see the issues back then. I do now. My wife says I just see part of it and has a lot to learn. I know she is right

The only part I figured out was the love languages part. I don't understand the compassion part but I'm working on it

[Coach]

recognizing what the emotions are is the issue I'm dealing with

I can relate to that. That is "Emotional Intelligence." Were you told how to feel as a kid? Or did you put on a "mask" to hide your feelings?

The Coach self-help library is vast. Spent lot's of time trying to understand my own feelings and frustrations. I am still a WIP. Sounds like you are doing some work on yourself. Keep it up.
Cheers

[MrBond]

"Since my wife had commentewd about how it seemed I was just following scripts from books, I had only been reading after she went to bed. "

Why should you hide this? You're doing it to make yourself a better person. Your W is not. Don't let her be ashamed of what you're doing. Our WAWs constantly say that they are doing what's best by leaving. But are they really? The LBS is the one who actively looks for answers and C, etc. We are the ones who are getting better by facing the problem head on and not running away. Don't be ashamed of that. If she comments, shrug it off. You don't have to let her affect you like that. She might even be ashamed of what she's doing and just needed a way to belittle your efforts so she leaves guilt-free.

"My wife says I just see part of it and has a lot to learn."

She's got alot to learn too. Any one who claims to be hanging on to so much "anger" for so long after trying things on their own has alot to learn themselves. Running away is never the answer.

"She said when she moved out she was relieved that she escaped. That was because she felt her husband would stop her if he had a chance."

That's exactly what this behavior is. Escaping. Running away rather than facing the issue because that's the easier way out. You can see how even she is blaming the H. A breakup is always the fault of both parties. Never one. That's why both people need to be honest about their roles and deal with it head-on.

Surrender and running away is never an option.

[confusedinpa]

It was another odd day. Guess i should have figured it would have been like every other day

I had a good session with my therapist as she's really pressing me to understand boundaries and my feelings

I went to pick up my youngest as my wife had said she was picking up the truck tonite and we were on our own for dinner. She called to say she was going to be home so she could join us for dinner

I picked up both boys early so I took them to the park before we went home. They were playing when I realized I missed a call from my wife. I called her back and she answered from the bathroom. She joked about how she was half naked and talking on the phone. I jokingly asked for a pic. She sent it to me of her naked rear end.

When we got home we went out for dinner and grabbed ice cream

After we put the kids to bed, we watched some TV. She started talking about her move tomorrow and I wound up telling her that I was annoyed/irritated that she was moving out. She said she understands and can see how I feel that way.

I asked her how she was feeling/thinking. She said that she's not happy about it either but feels she needs to in order to deal with everything that's gone on. I repeated it and said that I need to think about that so I can be sure to understand it

In hind site, the compassionate thing to say would have been "I see how you are still hurting. I know it will take time to heal so you can trust again. I will do everything that I can to help you heal so that we can rebuild that trust." Maybe I'll try to work that in tomorrow

She did write me a check for her share of the tax bill

We watched 3 shows so she was up till 10PM.

Before she went up, she asked for a hug to crack her back. I gave her one and said good nite

She moves tomorrow. Not sure if she's staying at her apt tomorrow. Guess I'll find out

I'm going to take the boys out for the day. We have soccer and then we're going furniture shopping to replace the playroom furniture she's taking

Its going to be a tough day but I will survive and thrive

Thanks for everyone's support and advice

[confusedinpa]

It was an odd nite. She had a bad dream last nite and asked if I could hold her in our bed. I said yes and we held each other as she lay her head on my chest. She started to talk about her nightmare.

After I woke up a little more I told her "This is odd You are leaving me but yet we are holding each other in bed". She said sorry. I also told her that I thought more about what she said she was feeling about the separation. I told her that I see she's still hurting and needs to heal. I understand that we can't start to rebuild trust before she heals. She said that she never thought we would ever be at this point. I just said that this was a bad situation but its within our power to change it. Its up to her as this is her decision

I must have started to doze off again because suddenly she was gone

[confusedinpa]

We woke up and had breakfast together. She had offered to make breakfast but I told her thanks, but I got it.

I made pancakes. She ran out after breakfast to get the truck with her mom.

She asked me to crack her back. I foolishly did. She didn't let go and started to cry. I reminded her that where we go is entirely her decision. She knows how I feel and I know she feels she needs to heal. I told her that if she ever wants to talk about us, she can call me. Outside of discussions about the kids, I will not initiate any contact. Not because I've changed how I feel, out of respect for her boundaries. She kept crying. It's the most emotional I've seen her about this in a while. I tried to hold it together but the sight of her crying caused me to tear up. I did remind her this is not what I wanted, but it's what she feels she needs to do.

I tried to get the boys out to soccer before the movers showed up but we were just a couple of minutes late leaving. I saw my 7 year old tear up a little when he saw the movers backing the UHaul truck up to the driveway.

She text me when she had left with the movers. I didn't respond.

She called me during lunch to ask if she could go back to get some of her bath stuff that she left behind. I told her it was ok and left it at that.

She then text me when she was done. She is coming back tonite after the kids go to bed so we can split up the kids toys. It's going to be a sad nite for me/us. I will try to remain strong but I know it will be hard.

When I got home, it was odd to see the dining room completely empty and all the basement furniture and her excercise equipment gone. She also took my copy of Divorce Busting and a picture of the two of us before we were married that I had found earlier this week and put up in the family room. As someone had pointed out earlier, it's a good sign that she takes things of us, it's bad if she left everything that reminded her of us.

I don't know if I actually miss her yet or am more numb or actually a little mad about the entire situation.

On the way back from furniture shopping, my 7 year old did vent about why did mommy have to rent an apartment and when is she coming back. It sounded like he was getting mad/sad/frustrated. I told him that it wasn't what I wanted either but mommy and daddy are working through some issues. I think I am most sad for my kids.....

[davidswife]

It'll be interesting to see how your wife handles her apartment, with no one to snuggle with after a bad dream, and no one to crack her back, etc.

If I were you, I'd stop that stuff - if she wants to be alone, let her be alone.

Just my $.02.

[confusedinpa]

She also took my copy of Divorce Busting and a picture of the two of us before we were married that I had found earlier this week and put up in the family room. As someone had pointed out earlier, it's a good sign that she takes things of us, it's bad if she left everything that reminded her of us.

She didn't take my DR book. She moved it to the sitting room. She also didn't take the picture. She had taken a minature of the Empire State Building (I proposed to her ther) and moved the picture over to there.

I just got a text from her saying "Just got back...i m going to eat real quick cuz i did not have any dinner yet then i will check if the kids r in bed and come for the toys" it was at 8:45PM

I'm wondering what she was doing till then but I know its none of my business anymore

I really don't want her to come back to split up the toys. Its just going to add to my hurt.

She is going to pick up the kids tomorrow. My mom and aunt are coming for a few days starting tomorrow.

So the separation starts

I'm still confused and the devastation is setting back in

When I put my boys to bed, they both prayed that mommy would come back home. It was sad

I'm working on me but I also need to be strong for my boys and help them