WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[confusedinpa]

It was another quiet evening. We had dinner and we chatted about non-relationship topics.
She wound up asking for a hug to crack her back again. I gave it to her with no fanfare nor comment as my 3 year old was right there

After we put the kids to bed, we watched a couple of our shows (I noticed she moved the Lost DVDs already)

We talked about various non-relationship topics again. She talked about how one of her friends is having a lot of problems with her ex-husband.

In between the 2 shows I asked if she needed me to write down how much taxes were so she could write me a check. She said yes so I did.

I think this bothered her a bit as she became slightly less talkative.

At the end of the show, she said she was going to bed (9:30)

So goes another nite

[confusedinpa]

I've been reading more of the Love without Hurt book. I'm up to page 240. It's pretty scary how it really walks through the craziness I went through. I didn't realize my emotional insecurities made me hurt my wife so much.

I know there were things that I did or didn't do that hurt her. But I see how my controlling behavior driven by my own core hurt really drove a stake through her as well. I'm still struggling with compassion. I read it but just have a problem putting it into practice.

I'm tempted to suggest it as a read for my wife. The why isn't just for myself, but the first half of the book could help her. Is that just dumb? Would that be pursuing?

[confusedinpa]

A some what quiet morning. My 3 year old had another accident last nite at 1AM. My wife came out of the spare bedrrom and helped. She said she couldn't fall asleep for 3 hours afterwards. Plus she got her period in the middle of the nite

She asked me to pick up the boys from school tomorrow so she could pick up the truck. I said I should be able to.

I told her I wrote the tax amounts down for her. She thanked me

Talk about 2 people faking it

Anyway, our oldest was grumpy this morning. We joked/laughed about it this morning in the bathroom. She bumped my bottom wih hers playfully a few times. Very odd. Didn't get it nor did I care

So goes another morning

[antlers]

I've been reading more of the Love without Hurt book. I'm up to page 240. It's pretty scary how it really walks through the craziness I went through. I didn't realize my emotional insecurities made me hurt my wife so much.

I know there were things that I did or didn't do that hurt her. But I see how my controlling behavior driven by my own core hurt really drove a stake through her as well. I'm still struggling with compassion. I read it but just have a problem putting it into practice.

I'm tempted to suggest it as a read for my wife. The why isn't just for myself, but the first half of the book could help her. Is that just dumb? Would that be pursuing?

I wouldn't suggest she read any books right now. You keep reading 'em though...and DB'n. She's in a different place right now. Work on you, and try to get stronger. You have an advantage over many of us in that, you had access to all of this good information about DB'n 'before' you're wife moved out! Take advantage of it. Most of us made nothing but mistakes for quite awhile after the separations were announced.

[confusedinpa]

It was an awkward evening

My wife was really in a bad mood from work and my youngest gave her a really hard time when she picked him up.

She vented for about 30 minutes while I made dinner. I listened and validated her. When dinner was ready I got us each a beer. The boys and us had a good dinner, we went out for ice cream for dessert. When I gave the boys a bath, my wife fell asleep on the couch

She woke up in time to tuck the kids in bed. She went to bed as well (8:30 ACK!)

I paid some bills. I was annoyed that she didn't pay a couple of bills from March. I just paid them and moved on

I went to the den to do some suring on the web when my wife came down at 9:15. She said she woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep. She said she was going to watch TV. I asked if she wanted to watch one of our shows. She said that would be fine

She then said there was a funny email she wanted to show me. She showed it to me and as we went to the family room I asked her about the past due bills from Mar (its very unlike her). She said she thinks she removed the auto-payment out of her account so it may have been a timing issue. Then I asked her about the check for the taxes and she said she would give it to me this weekend

We watched our shows without really chatting much. She knew I was going to see my therapist tomorrow so I asked if she was still planning on going on the following Mon so I would make the appointment later. She said she would let me know as that was the nite she had the boys.

An odd thing about tonite though was how during dinner she complained about how the music was too loud. I joke about how perhaps she's depressed. My therpist/our counselor had commented about how when I was depressed I did not want music on as it was too much input for me to deal with. She was really urked about the joke/comment and said don't even joke about that as its not funny

It was a very strong reaction.... Maybe I'll ask my therapist about it tomorrow

[confusedinpa]

Not much activity this morning.

We got ready for work as normal. My eyes were really dry this morning.

My wife said it could have either been from allergies or if I was upset (i.e. crying)

I told her that I'm not happy about what's going on, but was not upset. I had thought about getting into again that I feel this is her decision, but figure she knew that already. She know's my feelings haven't changed.

She's going to pick up the U-Haul truck tonite and move tomorrow. So it's just going to be me and the boys for dinner tonite. Guess I need to get used to that.

I have a therapist appointment later this afternoon but am at a loss of what to talk about.

I feel that my wife and I have gotten further disconnected over the past week. Not a good sign in my mind.

Perhaps it's more that I've finally gotten detached to the point where my wife had been the last several months. Who knows. All I know is that the knot in my stomach seems to be less and less each week.

I don't know if there is anything to talk about with my wife tonite. I feel like I should talk about something since it will be her last nite in our family home - hopefully not forever. There isn't anything new to talk about. She knows how I feel. Perhaps I should talk about what our new interactions will be? If any?

Any thoughts or how did others handle the nite before the WAW moved out?

[antlers]

Yeah...give her the space that she needs. Carry on with your kids as usual. If she wants to talk, then talk. If she wants to talk about the marriage, then I'd just listen and validate. It doesn't mean that you agree. You're right...she knows that you love her and that you don't want this...believe me, she already knows this. You don't need to remind her of it anymore. She's gotta get away from you before she can start to heal. I know this from experience. You're gonna have to be patient, patient, and then be more patient. It's hard for us to understand...but there's a method to the madness. You probably don't feel that you can do this (living and carrying on activities of daily living without her being there)...but you can. I know. There's a lot for us to learn...and persevere. Let's do it!

[song]

Don't do what I did. The night before my W moved out I laid the guilt on thick and really tried to get her to reconsider, basically begged and pleaded with her to stay, said it wasn't too late, asked her to consider what it would do to the kids, etc.

This was 3 months before I found DB, DR and this site, so I was operating completely out of fear and doing the wrong things.

Follow antlers' advice and give her the space she needs - the sooner you do that the sooner she will be able to heal and think more clearly. It's the hardest thing you will probably ever have to endure, but the only way out is through. My prayers are with you.

[confusedinpa]

I wasn't going to go the "please stay" route.

But more of how I'll be respecting the space and boundaries and that I don't want her to interprut that my lack of "pursuing" as that my feelings have changed.

I wasn't sure if I really need to have the conversation as we had talked about this last week where she said that I don't/shouldn't not just wait for her to take the initiative for us to do things together while I'm giving her space. She said that if I have something special planned with the boys, I could invite her. Not guilt/pressure her to go, but just invite her. I had asked how about if there was something just for us, but she said that she would have to think about that (I'm interprutting that as a no). Just as I'm interprutting her thining about going to counseling every other week as a no.

I'm eriely at peace with what's going on right now. I'm more concerned right now of the financial end of it - making sure that I can pay all the bills (particularly since I just had to pay my tax bill which was just shy of 5 figures).

Right now I'm at the point where if she comes back, that will be great, if not, I'm sure I will figure out a way to get everything to work. Not sure if this is detachment or that I'm giving up or it's just that I've finally realized what the reality is.....

I really have to understand what is going on with me...

[PMA_Baby!]

Just be patient. Once she gets her freedom she will start to figure stuff out. If it's too late then you will have your answer. The grass is definitely not as green as she is hoping. Especially in regard to not seeing the children everyday.

Stay strong, B