Thanks for that. You're right, I am stuck in a very negative place. I think it is my safe place, which is why I revert to it. I am aware of it, but I do need reminders. Especially the thing about the fivesome. I should have looked at that in a better way. I guess the part of me that wants to be a real fivesome hears those words as so hollow.
I think too much. (I can almost hear the collective sarcastic gasp~ at the very least one from Jack!) I want to believe things, but then again I don't want to blindly believe.
Let me give you quick examples from the last couple of days:
On Saturday we celebrated Easter, as 2 of the kids had to work on Sunday. He left here very late Sat. night, and when I offered him some leftovers he said, "no, that's my rat hat." That is a Seinfeld reference--- George left a hat behind in a woman's apartment so he could guarantee a return visit. I won't go into why we say it is a rat hat- if you've seen the episode you'd know. Anyway... he called here on Sunday about noon. He said he would be over later- that he had some work to do in the house (very extensive renovations). All was positive and nice.
By 7:30 I had not heard from him. Middle child had been home from work and was preparing to go back to school. So, I texted him: Just wanted to let you know that (youngest child) is not here and (middle child) is getting ready to leave soon.
He called our son and basically said, "sorry I missed you- I will try to come visit this week."
OK, I admit, I was put off. Hurt, angry...call it what you will. He called my phone but I was off helping my son get his stuff together and I missed the call. Basically he said the same thing- "I'm sorry I missed you guys." He also asked for me to call.
Well, I didn't call. I figured I would say something dumb and I didn't want to go down that route. So, I did nothing. About an hour later I got a text: "sorry I missed you guys."
OK, now I was upset. He didn't "miss" us. He didn't show up! Isn't that different? I do have to say, when he called in the afternoon he really only talked about putting up some framing. I don't know if it was wrong to assume it wouldn't take too long...not 7+ hours.
I didn't answer the text. I needed time away from the sitch.
The next day I texted: I don't know what happened. Him: Me either! I wanted to talk to you. Me: I didn't know what to say. We went from you'd be over later to "sorry I missed you." There was really nothing to say to that.
He called me later, and the first thing he said was that when he got my text he was all ready to come over---he said, "I had dark jeans and a new shirt on and everything!" (something he knew I would like) I said that I didn't know why he didn't come then. He said that he got really involved in what he was doing and didn't realize it was so late. When he got my text he thought it meant I didn't want him to come. I asked why he thought that, since all I did was inform him of what was happening. He said that is just how he works--- assuming the worst. I said I understood, since when he just answered with "sorry I missed you" it meant he didn't want to come. In the end, he said that he doesn't know why he doesn't think like a "normal" person- that he sees now that he should have picked up the phone to say "hey, time got away from me!" but that the thought honestly never occured to him. He was getting a lot done and he just didn't think.
He said that after he texted he just went back to work. He said something two times about being really depressed over what happened. I mention this only because that is a really taboo word for him.
I said it sounded like we both made assumptions that we shouldn't have. We agreed to just let it go (instead of me talking it to death as I tend to do).
So, on Monday he came here, on Tuesday he said he would be here but called to say that he wasn't feeling well and would see me Wed. He did come last night, and we had a nice time together. We sat together on a chair and talked for quite a while.
At one point he said, "oh, I know you asked about doing something this weekend- can we do it later? I have got to get that bathroom done, and I just don't have the time (on Sat. he is going to be with son all day and night working on his car). He told me that his dad was coming (from out of state next weekend) to help him gut the kitchen and that he cannot start on that while the bathroom still isn't done.
I was disappointed, but I tried to not act too upset. I do understand that this is how he works....but I also don't want to make excuses for him. In other words, I don't want to be the dummy thinking that he is working on the house when he is really out doing something else. I have offered to help him, yet he really never takes me up on that. His reasoning has been that he wants this to be all his own- that we have always gone with my taste and ideas and he wants to do this alone.
He asked if I was mad and I said "no." That was honest. I said that I understood, but that I was just disappointed since I was looking forward to it. We still sat and talked for a bit until it was time for him to go.
I guess I shouldn't have added the "disappointed" part. I just didn't want him to read "mad" into it.
So, everything is neatly explained away....but I fear believing it.
I guess we can focus on the positives:
We have talked every day since early last week (I was trying to pinpoint it but couldn't- it's been so long).
He is calling daily.
We sat together last night and talked for a good hour.
He brought up the weekend instead of avoiding it.
So, that's where I am. Trying not to be negative, but being cautious. I guess there's a thin line between those two things for me. That's why I come here- to put it out there and get the perspective of people who understand where I am coming from. Most people around me would say, "you're too good for him! Why are you doing this to yourself???"
You have every single right to "feel" the way you do.
The trick is to somehow find a way to verbalize things without making him defensive and without you having to keep it bottled up.
Take this advice from the hypocrite.....I do the same thing!!!
Just like we tell our kids....use your words!
I think I mentioned in an earlier post to you, you guys seem to lack in the area of communication. Not to be funny, but there really are classes and books on this stuff.
Maybe it could be something you both could do together one day.
Lower that barbed wire fence you have built around your heart a little.....I think it's time.
You know... the chances of him hurting you again are 50/50. The chances of rekindling your Marriage are also 50/50.
(((((hugs)))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
When my wife and I started piecing, I knew that assumptions could kill or poison hard work, she agreed.
So we establshed a simple rule, no more assumptions and to speak plainly.
If I said something and it could be taken one of two ways and one of those ways was bad...That was not my intention. Why would I do that, if I wanted that I would say the bad thing plainly.
C, you realize you 'overthink' things. But when do you realize that? In hindsight? Later? the next day? Or hopefully do you realize it AS you are overthinking? If that is the case you can stop it. Laugh at yourself if you have too but stop and engage yourself in something else.
Look, are you guys piecing?
If No, then disregard the following.
If yes, then...
Quote:
He called me later, and the first thing he said was that when he got my text he was all ready to come over---he said, "I had dark jeans and a new shirt on and everything!" (something he knew I would like) I said that I didn't know why he didn't come then. He said that he got really involved in what he was doing and didn't realize it was so late. When he got my text he thought it meant I didn't want him to come. I asked why he thought that, since all I did was inform him of what was happening. He said that is just how he works--- assuming the worst. I said I understood, since when he just answered with "sorry I missed you" it meant he didn't want to come. In the end, he said that he doesn't know why he doesn't think like a "normal" person- that he sees now that he should have picked up the phone to say "hey, time got away from me!" but that the thought honestly never occured to him. He was getting a lot done and he just didn't think.
This is OPEN and VITAL communication, you have learned the hard way how to talk...now you just need to learn WHEN.
See where I'm going with this?
How much angst yours and his could have been avoided if this conversation happened much earlier? Your night might have much different indeed.
Piecing...is about being brave all over again...and more so. You have to brave enough to speak up, when you have trained yourself not too. You have to be brave enough to allow yourself to be gutted by a person you now know CAN and has hurt you before.
This isn't for whimps. This is a minefield. Strangely its a minefield you choose to walk through. This is your choice, and in order to get across you have to be brave.
Speak plainly. Speak up. Speak sooner.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I would love to do something about our communication problems. As it stands, he always goes back to, "you should be able to be yourself." He says that it is as if I have to purge every feeling as I am having it- and he cannot handle that because he feels responsible for my feelings. He always says, "I know this is MY issue, and YOU shouldn't have to change."
I always say back,"there are some things that i need to change. You have to trust that I am making decisions based on what I want for my life, not solely to fit better into YOURS."
For instance, I do not think of myself as a negative person. But, if you guys are telling me that i am coming off that way, well, then I want to work on fixing it. It is not because i want so desperately to fit in with you all, but because I do strive to be a better person. Don't get me wrong, you are a really cool group of people.....
I always say back,"there are some things that i need to change. You have to trust that I am making decisions based on what I want for my life, not solely to fit better into YOURS."
Simple:
"I'm changing for me not you."
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
