Yeah, I get the idea too that she's thinking of the single life. I hope she turns around soon.
Many of the tools I'm using for DB also work for depression because the end goal is the same - feel better about yourself. GAL, explore interests, exercise, sleep, eat right, treat yourself, etc. Still there's other stuff in there I need to take care of so getting through it is goal #1. I feel this problem partially contributed to the loss of the marriage and I won't let it take any more of my life away.
Your other thread was great. I've always suspected that if she came back I'd need to "pursue" more. Now I know for sure. It might be too soon but I might try to carefully sneak a flirt or nice comment in and see what happens.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
DQ says: You mentioned your depression and MLC. I hope you are taking steps for yourself to really pull out of that over time. I do know enough about depression to understand you, but I also have some degree of it myself and I have finally had to find out on my own that I can in fact employ many mental techniques to keep it under control. Then it doesn't spill outward from me and affect my friends and family. I hope you can find that same place. And I also find that when I employ the correct mental techniques consistently over time, it tends to battle my depression almost out of existence. If I stop with the mental techniques, it comes back very quickly. So I have basically learned to live with the mental techniques running through my mind constantly, understanding finally now that if I don't, depression will come back right away. But if I do, I can have not only a depression free life but also, I can have a great positive attitude which then helps me manifest positive things in my life.
Would you be open to sharing more about the mental techniques you use to battle depression? I'm sure that I'm not only speaking for myself, but I could use some more techniques!! : )
I've been looking at "The Work" lately (Byron Katie). That technique definitely helps, but I'd like to hear what works for you.
Let me give you the first step now, and I'll come back later with more:
Basically, the first step is to just firmly decide and believe that no one can control what I think except ME. And that means....(drum roll)...that when I have depressed thoughts, I CAN CONTROL THEM.
I think most doctors and other specialists are apt to believe that you cannot control your own thoughts and that depressed people are doomed to have these thoughts. That's why they prescribe meds, because the meds can help to control thoughts, but without them, doctors seem to think it is impossible.
I used to think that, too. I used to think that my thoughts and fears and depression were beyond my control and that the "bad thoughts" were coming from something other than my own free will.
I no longer think this. Now I realize that your thoughts are a product of your own choosing, AT ALL TIMES.
Now this new way of thinking can at first in itself be very depressing, because it means that on some level, you are choosing the depressed thoughts. So why are we masochists and choose these depressed thoughts, we might ask?
But now I understand that, although yes, in a sense we are choosing the depressed thoughts, but we are only doing so out of habit. Not out of self-hatred or masochism.
So the point then is to take control of your own thoughts, now that you have the belief that you DO actually control them (not something outside of yourself or your brain by itself), then you can do something about the thoughts that are keeping you down and making you depressed.
This is similar to Learned Optimism but I haven't actually read that book. My learning came from spiritual sources, where I learned what FREE WILL actually means.
Free will is literally, the freedom to believe and think whatever you want. No one can force you to think anything or believe anything...it is the only true freedom we really have is our own thoughts and your WILL comes from that same source.
So start by carrying this thought around with you for several weeks or days. Remind yourself when you find yourself thinking a depressed thought, or a worry or an angry thought, that YOU can control what you think. Don't try to control it or change it yet, just remind yourself that you CAN.
It took me many months/years to really get into the groove of this, and the accepting and believing I had control over my thougths was the longest part of the process....so let that part sink in well!
ppenton....that is great for your family about Easter. Not to be a downer but, she likely thinks of herself as a saint for spending a couple of hours of family time. Now she can "guilt-free" run off and spend the rest of her day with OM. Sorry, because I know you hope this is a good sign, but its not necessarily one. It is likely to be a great day for you all, and I think you should really enjoy it as it might be one of the last of its kind....but on the other hand, don't ever lose sight of the fact that she has abandoned those kids on you and her focus is only on the OM.
I know you know this, I'm not lecturing. I feel bad as I know you still wait and hope for a good sign.
The only thing that might change this for you is when her and OM crash and burn, and it will happen. It will likely take another year though.
In the meantime, look GREAT at church, make sure the kids look great, and make it seem like you have important plans later in the day so you have to rush off. Don't linger in the parking lot or ask her out to lunch after. Just assume she will rush out of there, so you rush out of there, too. Actually DO have plans too, don't just bluff.
I just have to say, I don't understand people who abandon their kids. I just don't understand it and that is one area where I can't really give advice. I always put my kids first and I would have never done what your W is doing...my ex-h is the one who abandoned our kids, apparently to punish me. So it strikes a chord with me and makes me hurt for you. I've been there.
Please hang in there...
DQ
Thanks again, {{{DQ}}}
I am hanging in there and I know if W shows up to church that it will be more for her to feel better than for wanting to be with me. I'm just glad she wants to spend some time with the kids. And I do have plans for the day as we will go to my parents house and some of my uncles will be there and so will be lots of good food! I also do not understand how people can leave there children either, I would not trade places with my W for anything. I love these kids way too much to not be here day in and day out
As of right now, I am willing to hang in there as long as it takes God to soften her heart. I know He can do it just not sure if W is willing to listen or open up to Him.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
ppenton...You have the right attitude, and I know you will end up a happier person than you ever thought you were before after all this, no matter which way it turns out. Have a great Easter!
LG - More on turning around my depression and depressed thoughts...
Some very tragic things have happened to me in my life, and over time, they brought to my attention how very precious and joyous life is. I know that sounds like the opposite of what should happen. Tragic things should have added to my depression. In the short term, they did, of course. But in the long run, I found that I can't afford to lose any time, because we all die, those closest to us and we ourselves, all have to go. When I was faced with several deaths of people close to me and then several other tragic events all happened at around the same time, I had to just find that space in my heart that knows that I am *good* with all my people. In case any of them go tomorrow or I do, I have to be able to know for sure that I am on good terms with them and they have heard recently that I love them.
Just one of the tragic deaths as an example, I had a close girlfriend die when we were both aged 23, and the last time I had spoken to her we had a fight and ended on very bad terms. All I could do at her funeral was regret that phone call and whatever the fight had been about, and wish to God I could do just that one call over and tell her instead how I loved her and how much she meant to me.
After this experience, I was changed forever. Then all the other deaths and tragedies happened, and I became even more sure of my position that I must make ammends with everyone and stay on good terms...or face that possibility that I will never get another chance to say it due to some tragedy.
This process took several years to complete its overall change in me, and during that time I read lots of books on death and overcoming grief.
Those books are actually a good read for anyone, because we all need to be prepared that tragedy could come along and be prepared in your heart for it.
After asimilating this new way of thinking, my depression did not go away, but I began to be less tolerant of it. I began to not want to waste time on sad thoughts and wanted instead to cultivate love and compassion and togetherness with my loved ones. It took time though as there was still lots of mental work for me to do, but I think the understanding that your closest loved one can be snatched away from you at any time is very important to have and keep close to your heart. Because as you begin to focus on and desire to keep your people close to your heart, it helps you heal your depression, because those people will respond to your efforts with love and that spreads back to you in a new way.
So I'd call this understanding of our mortality the step 2 of my own process.
And I know people can achieve this without going through all the deaths and stuff that I did....just one tragedy or death at least has happened to all of us (or will in the future)...so we can all relate to it even without an excess of it in your life.
If I could just add something about depressive thoughts.
I kind of feel that it is like being given a script and it is up to you on how you will direct it.
Having said that after 4 months i got so exhausted with the emotions that i went on meds and I must say that my thinking and direction became much clearer
ppenton...You have the right attitude, and I know you will end up a happier person than you ever thought you were before after all this, no matter which way it turns out. Have a great Easter!
My W did show up to church services yesterday and it was fine, she looked very nice. She said hello to me and hugged the boys. After the service she walked with us, as our cars were parked near each other. She asked me about bowling the night before and I told her how much fun it was and who we bowled against. Then she gave S13 an Easter gift and hugged both of them again and said thanks to me and I said you're welcome. The boys and I left church and went home. I went for a walk while they took showers and got ready. We then went to my parent's house and had lots of good fun and played dominoes for hours. We all had a really good time and laughed a lot which is what I think we all needed. Got home and then had to do laundry as S15 needed his baseball uniform cleaned for his game today - just checked and the game is cancelled.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
Lucky...yes! I'm back, thank you for the reminder!
Ok - step one = understand that you CAN control your thoughts.
Step two = remind yourself constantly that the people you love could be gone tomorrow, so that you will value and love on them all the time.
So here's step three...
Stop having self-pity.
This was hard for me, because after several bad things happen to you, and you are in counseling and the counselor is helping you understand that you DO have the right to feel sorry for yourself because it is normal given the circumstances....so you go ahead and allow yourself to feel that self-pity...
But in my case and I think other people with depression issues, it became a bit too much of a habit for me to feel pity for myself. I found through study and self-reflection that if I felt pity for myself, then this refuted what I believed about my ability to change my circumstances toward a better life and outcome. If I felt self-pity, then it meant I had no control over what happens to me or what I think or feel, because "someone or something else" had control over what happened to me...and "someone or something else" handed me this plate with some tough cookies on it, and obviously "someone or something" had the control over this, not me.
But when I changed this attitude to something more empowering, such as "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or "gee, I must be quite a powerful person to be able to overcome these challenges and still not become bitter", or "wow, I can see in retrospect how much I learned and grew from that bad experience, therefore, I can be thankful for it", or "I thank you God for the chance to show you my true colors in the face of adversity"...this helped me tremendously. Its not like I was saying "oh I just love to be beaten down by life, tra-la-la"...it was more like "no matter how down I can get, it only makes me stronger and better" and I lived with that kind of message playing in my head for many weeks, months, years...until it finally wiped out the old self-pity tapes of "why do these things happen to me, what did I do to deserve this?" and replaced them with "I am strong, I can handle anything, I know that my spirit will carry me through".
So that's step three = learn to replace self-pity with empowering thoughts. These steps all take lots of time and effort, I'm not saying it can happen over night. I'd say this was a 5 - 10 year process for me, with incremental improvement over those years, until by the end of it, I am left with only the occasional situation induced temporary depression, but where I had started with an overall serious depression issue that pervaded my entire life!
