Amazing Jack! You're like a mind reader or something!
Phone calls, you ask? Let's see.... Thurs., Fri.(plus a visit), Sat.(plus was here all day until about 1 a.m.), Sun., Mon. (plus was here at night), A couple today...and just a bit ago a message that ended with, "I hope I can see you tomorrow."
I am not looking too far into it. I am curious, that's for sure. But, I am doing my best to continue to work on our communication issues. I don't know why this is happening, and to be honest, based on the past, almost anything can happen in the days to come. I honestly fear something really bad happening, so I probably won't relax for quite a while.
My most recent goals were to have him call me for no reason (check!), and for him to ask me over or out on a date. We were supposed to go out to a movie on Friday night, but a very close friend had a death in the family and needed me to help her out with some things that night. We haven't talked about rescheduling yet.
So, we'll see what happens. I don't know what I really want, other than the chance to build better communication and to go back to being the old me...not the one consumed by this situation.
On a good note, a VERY young guy (I should say "kid") asked me out yesterday. Not going, of course, but it was good on the PMA. I have been living far too long in the "I'm not good enough" mode.
Hey cmnm, just wanna throw one thing in here. Going dark for the experienced DBer is a little different in my opinion.
You have to be able to judge the timing on it better because you are (supposed to be anyway) thinking more rationally and not out of fear or sadness.
I think "dark" takes on a different meaning. I like to look at it as more of a state of selfishness. Not contacting because it is what makes us better functionally and we are selfish enough to put our needs above all else.
Spitting out a blurb here and there, throwing out questions, straight talk, and candor, to me these are all signs of our own personal maturity through this process. Things are different for us this far into the situations.
I think you did well, and I think you should continue to (for lack of a better term) do what you want. Say what you feel like saying. Go dark to whatever extent you want.
(1) "Then I will figure out what comes next. Not being so desperate to get him back for the sake of getting him back gives me a better perspective! Right now, I need to get to know this guy. And both of us need to believe that I like him. Yep, I see the importance of this. FOR BOTH OF US."
This is part of why detachment allows for much deeper and more authentic intimacy.
(2) "I honestly fear something really bad happening, so I probably won't relax for quite a while."
How about this... Accept that you are making choices for your own reasons that come with some significant risks. Your choice to embrace those risks. Should an outcome other than what you desired occur, it was your choice to put yourself in that position. Such an outcome would not be something that just "happens," like a hurricane. If the potential costs are too great, then get out of the game now. If they are acceptable, then accept them and let go of the fear, you've already decided a poor outcome is acceptable.
First off, I couldn't ask for a better gang to hang out here!
Well, I did throw it out there that I'd like to do something this weekend, so we will see what happens. I left it in a message- we've been playing phone tag- so I just said something to the effect of, "maybe we can see that movie this weekend." Last message I got was this afternoon- he said he was going to stop by this evening. I don't know if he'll make plans for the weekend or not. It's out there- now I will do as OT says and let him pursue me. Looks like I was able to make you all happy in one fell swoop! That's a first!
There is something that has been bothering me for a few days. Last week when he was here the whole family played a board game after dinner. I later made the remark that the best times to me are the times we are all together. He agreed and said, "We're a fivesome, you know."
Well, no. I don't know that. Usually fivesomes stick together. I never know what to say to that kind of thing. I am not putting a lot into it. It doesn't make me hopeful, after all. Just uncomfortable.
Sorry OT I disagree she is the one who cancelled, I'm not say she beg for a date but that she be the one to remind him about it and see if there is the interest.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
This is another place where I am stuck, Jack. I am trying really hard to treat him as if he were a new guy I am interested in. With all of the baggage, well, I tend to assume the worst. So, I am vague. "Maybe we can see that movie.." instead of "Want to go out on Saturday night?" lessens the chance of outright rejection.
This is a case of would I be better off ripping off that bandage? -In other words, would I be better off getting the straight story (perhaps rejection)? The thing is, for him it would be a rejection for that night, with the possibility of doing something at a later time. For me it has turned into "Well, if you don't have the time for me, then I don't need to talk to you EVER AGAIN." Yeah, I'm working on that black and white thing.
I am trying so hard to build the friendship and the communication. It is going to take time. Of course he isn't going to commit to me before that (if ever). So,I rely on vague to keep me on track for the time being.
I really don't know if it is right or wrong. It seems to be what I need for right now.
Well, one thing that strikes me is the "lessens the chance of outright rejection " it seems to me that this is your own doing. I believe you may need to change your expectations in order to minimize your opportunity for pain. In other words if you go into it with a clear mind and the understanding that you expect no for an answer, then anything else is "icing" on the cake wouldn't you say.
The one thing that bothers me about you is that you tend to focus to much on the negatives. Don't get me wrong, I understand the fresh wounds and how we try to not put salt in them. But, this is a choice you are making to see what will come of things and when you do that you cannot go into with gauze and bandages in tow ready to be used because you "just know" that you are going to need them. I can remember when my daughter was very young and she touched the stove when it was still hot. Carrie started watching her all the time, not allowing her in the kitchen, that sort of thing. I told her, if she is dumb enough to touch that stove again, then she deserves to feel the burn.
Now understand I am not saying I wanted my kid to get hurt. I was saying that I want my child to learn from getting hurt. I didn't want her to never go in the kitchen again, just to think twice before touching the stove and look for the red lights saying it's still hot.
P, I think that sometimes we make what we are trying to do here much harder for ourselves than it has to be. I think we look at things and seek the negative rather than the positive ie: "We make a great fivesome" you looked at that with anger, reality is it's nice that he even had that thought. Many WAS would not and certainly many would never say it. Perspective, postive forward thinking, self fulfilling prophecy with a positive outcome, these are the things you need to keep cycling through your brain. You are in control here right?
