I guess part of my problem is that I don't know how I really feel about it. Sounds crazy but to me I really am numb about. The only reason why I feel uncomfortable about driving with her is that I don't want to be "used" or treated as a "door mat" by her. By driving her down there, is that too much like a "Nice Guy" approach? Should that really be a boundary? I just don't know.
I think my situation is very unusual as my wife has really be trying to maintain an amicable relationship. I think most WAW's just turn angry/mean and leave. Anybody have any thoughts on that?
I would like to spend time with her, but as my therapist has pointed out, it seems like I'm going through withdraw from an addiction. My therapist said that I'm "addicated" to my wife's love. Now that she's taken that drug away from me on Jan 9th, I'm going through withdrawl. So any small crumb or doses that I get from my wife is actually hurting my recovery.
I guess that's her way of saying I need to detach and move on. I had interpretted that as that I need to give up on the marriage. My therapist is prepping me not to be hopeful (I presume so I won't be an emotional wreck again once the divorce if final).
Everyone here has said that once she moves out, I need to detach, get a life and go DIM. It is so hard to do as I am the type that goes into extremes, so I need to be careful that my DIM and detach mode doesn't make me come accross as cold.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
One of my friends (a current WAW) suggested that the next time she sends the mixed/confusing message (ie crawling into bed this morning), I should say "I'm confused. You are saying you are leaving me and want a divorce. However when you do things like this I think that there are feelings there. Its very confusing"
Any thoughts?
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
"She then snuggled her back/bottom against my back/bottom."
This isn't snuggling. Snuggling is when there's a certain amount of intimacy involved. She is showing you that she has turned her back on you. Psychological body language.
"I think my situation is very unusual as my wife has really be trying to maintain an amicable relationship. I think most WAW's just turn angry/mean and leave. Anybody have any thoughts on that?"
She hasn't been maintaining an amicable relationship. She is only doing certain things that and when she feels comfortable doing. When you want to do something, she flies off the handle. Look at how she handled telling your kids about the D. For the WAW's it's not mean/angry. It's called selfishness. See it for what it is.
The WAW can justify it all they want, but it comes down to their needs over yours and everyone else's. That's why sometimes you have to stop them before they get on that train of thought and hit them with the truth bomb every now and then. Validating/agreeing with what their saying is good every now and then, however sometimes they keep going on and on to the point where they really believe that their LBS was the sole person responsible for their unhappiness. That's when you draw the line and say "enough is enough".
That's where your W's mixed messages come in. She's not necessarily cake eating on purpose, she is doing what she feels is comfortable. In this case, she's just doing the physical stuff because she feels sorry for you. Is that what you want? Pity? Of course not. That's why GALing is so important because it lets you get back the confidence you thought was once long gone.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"One thing I'm struggling a little with is on Monday we're suppose to go to the "Children of Divorce" seminar. "
Why are you even going to this? You aren't even D yet. Is this something to deter D or to show you how to deal with kids after a D?
Was this your idea or your W's?
Since she filed, this is a required court ordered seminar for everyone who files for divorce
I'm concerned its a "kids will be ok" type of seminar. I hope its covers the true impact to kids
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I really think she rushed the D process. That's another way she's not thinking about YOUR needs. Just do what makes you feel comfortable. If you don't want to go with her, then don't.
I would even tell her how much you don't want to go. And then that's it. Cut down the chumminess with her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"She hasn't been maintaining an amicable relationship. She is only doing certain things that and when she feels comfortable doing. When you want to do something, she flies off the handle. Look at how she handled telling your kids about the D. For the WAW's it's not mean/angry. It's called selfishness. See it for what it is.
"She hasn't been maintaining an amicable relationship. She is only doing certain things that and when she feels comfortable doing. When you want to do something, she flies off the handle. Look at how she handled telling your kids about the D. For the WAW's it's not mean/angry. It's called selfishness. See it for what it is.
Nicely put Stuck.
I agree Stuck
Ironically early on in this nightmare/rollercoaster one of her friends called her selfish and she really got upset
Maybe I should tactfully remind her of that the next time I get a chance
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
