WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[MrBond]

"I told her what my wife said about wanting to stop talking about the past and start talking about the present. She said that my wife keeps bringing up the past with respect to how it hurt her. "

Your T is right. It has been your W bringing it up constantly. I personally think it's been an excuse to blame you for her own confusion, but who knows. Hopefully she'll see that she can't blame you for everything once you're not around.

[confusedinpa]

"She's the one who is pushing me to let go and move on. Unfortunately, she's also our marriage counselor so it really questions what she can do to really help us. "

I don't see why you don't think she's helping your M. She's just saying the same thing everyone here has been telling you from day 1. TO DETACH.

She's not telling you to stop loving your W. She didn't tell you to stop working on your R. She's telling you to let go and move on which means in DBing - DETACH AND GAL.

She sounds perfect for saving your M. She recognizes that you have to work on you and that your W has to work on herself.

I think the biggest struggle you're having is that you're still trying to FIX the M when the reality is that you don't have a M. It's perfectly normal for a man to want to "fix" things. However women want to deal with the feelings and emotions of things to which there is no easy fix. It's a M and not a broken chair leg.

You have to understand that it's out of your hands so you have to rely on yourself to get you happy.

It's extremely tough, but you take it one step at a time. One day at a time. You can do it. We all have.

"My therapist isn't giving me much hope nor are my friends."

Your T is giving you the best hope in the world. She is teaching you how YOU hold the key to your happiness and therein lies hope. If you're happy and strong there's always hope. As for friends, we all have friends who encourage us to "move on". But it's not their life so they have nothing to lose by telling you to move on. So where does it lead back to? You guessed it...YOU!

That's why detachment and GAL is so important. Turn your attention elsewhere and develop into the strong confident person once more. That will attract your W again.

Stuck808

Thanks for the 2x4 and getting my head back in the game

[confusedinpa]

Your T is right. It has been your W bringing it up constantly. I personally think it's been an excuse to blame you for her own confusion, but who knows. Hopefully she'll see that she can't blame you for everything once you're not around.

Stuck808

I hope you're right.

What's odd is my wife is unusually nice tonite. I think this has been the cycle. When I push back, she goes into nice mode. Not sure what her agenda is other than her being afraid to make me mad

I really have to keep her at arms length so I don't let her think she can placate me

[confusedinpa]

Nothing too eventful tonite. Her back was really bothering her so she asked me to massage it. I did but it was really pretty badly knotted so I don't think it eased much.

We wound up watching some baseball when I told her I needed to finish our taxes. We owed just under 5 figures. I told her and she was shocked. I asked her how she wanted to handle it. She said she would give me a check for her share if I paid it. That was fine with me

In the past, when she was low on cash, I would have offered to just cover these large bills. I didn't this time since she's leaving me. I know she is really stressing.

She said she was going to try and finish moving on Sat. I told her I was going to take the boys shopping for replacement furniture for the playroom that she's taking. She said that sounded like a good idea

I feel odd tonite. I know I'm going to miss her but its not that sad to me tonite. Maybe I'm fooling myself. I do want her to stay but I guess I'm tired of feeling powerless as I know I can't control her to do that. I think I'm back to feeling at peace that I'm doing everything I can to work on me and change to be the best man, father, husband/friend I can be

One thing I'm struggling a little with is on Monday we're suppose to go to the "Children of Divorce" seminar. We're suppose to drive down together. It just seems odd as she's moving out this weekend. Any thoughts on how to handle this?

[confusedinpa]

I really s**k at setting boundaries. My therapist said that I should set boundaries on things that are mixed messages or confuse me (which can actually be a lot).

This morning my wife walked into our master bedroom suite, just like every other morning, to get ready. I said good morning, like I usually do, and she responded with good morning as well. She then started complaining about how cold she was and her back was still bothering her. She walked over to our bed and climbed in. I had the blankets wrapped around me and I asked if she needed some covers. She said yes and then snuggled up against me. I rested my arm over her arm out of habit/reflex. I pulled it off and back away from her a few inches. I asked her if she wanted me to hug her (I know very dumb question - I should have either just done it or not, instead I gave her the "power"). She said no. I didn't say anything, just rolled over. She then snuggled her back/bottom against my back/bottom.

She then started talking about some weird dream she had. I listened and tried to show her that I was attentive.

Then she moved her convesation into talking about getting a truck on Sat to move (AH HA - her true motive/agenda). She had brought it up on Monday nite, that that was going to happen. She joked about how odd/weird the guy was. I just commented, there are a lot of strange people out there.

She then started stretching on the bed and wound up laying her head on my stomach. I didn't touch her, she kept talking about various other things and I tried to be attentive.

After we got ready, I asked if she signed the tax returns. She said she hadn't but did look at them. She went back downstairs to sign them.

My oldest son and I then left the house to go to school/work.

My therapist had said I should stop her when she does things that send me mixed messages and ask her what's she is doing. I'm not going to over think it. My gut says she was just cold this morning and wanted to warm up. Should I have said no, don't climb into our bed with me?

[SmileysPerson]

Yes, that's what you should have done. Cake. Eating.

Either she's part of the marital bed or she's not. But the operative term there is "marital." Unless you're interested in a bed-buddy. In which case, drive on.

She's a Big Girl. Explain to her that, while you understand about her back, the fact is that in the present circumstances it's too difficult to deal with the competing emotional desire to help her out and the sexual desire that results. Could she please, just out of respect for your feelings, find other ways to handle her situation?

[volleydog]

That is just so difficult. I know I would love to have my wife just touch me like that but then my mind would race when the next day she wouldn't even talk to me or something like that.

Once again for your own sanity I do think you need to tell her look I love you BUT I really can't have this right now it's too hard. My guess is she'll get pi$$ed but that's her problem, she's setting boundaries for herself you should too.

[confusedinpa]

Yes, that's what you should have done. Cake. Eating.

SmileysPerson,

I know that's what it was as it was going on. I just couldn't think of what would be appropriate thing to say.

My therapist had said that I should set a boundary and say "You are leaving me. I feel this is sending me a mixed message and it's confusing me"

My gut says that she was really just cold and looking to warm up. My connudrum was do I allow her to get warm or what.

Once again for your own sanity I do think you need to tell her look I love you BUT I really can't have this right now it's too hard. My guess is she'll get pi$$ed but that's her problem, she's setting boundaries for herself you should too.

I know I need to set boundaries. My therapist has emphasized that as well. Even before the bomb, I didn't have a lot of boundaries, but the problem was that my wife didn't understand that. My nature is that if she asked for or wanted something, I would always ask to understand why. She always treated the why as to a no and then drop it. I would then assume that if she dropped it, that she didn't want it any more.

One thing that she had brought up in the past was when we were getting a new car for her, she asked about getting a sunroof. I gave her my experience with sunroofs and my opinion. Then she dropped the conversation so I assumed she thought it through and decided she didn't want one. So I picked up a new SUV without one. About 3 months later, she started gripping about how I didn't think she was worth a sunroof. It was a WTF moment for me as I had just gotten her a $30K SUV and she feels I don't value her. I would have gotten her the sunroof if she just said, "I want a sunroof" Period end of discussion. There's not that big of a difference between a $30K SUV and a $31K SUV.

So this has been our problem, both of us were hesitant/afraid of saying exactly what was on our mind......

So the world turns and the divorce roller coaster moves on.....

[SmileysPerson]

If she needs to get warm that badly, buy her one of those freaking Snuggies, man!

[confusedinpa]

If she needs to get warm that badly, buy her one of those freaking Snuggies, man!

Haha

I'm not sure if she would have appreciated the humor in that one!

She just sent me an email about us leaving together to go to the Children of Divorce seminar

It makes sense to drive together since its about 35 minutes away but it doesn't sit right with me. She's leaving me this weekend but wants us to drive together. This seems like cake eating behavior.

Its not that I don't want to be in the car with her, its just that it doesn't feel like what should be happening.

Argh!!!!!

What to do?