WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[volleydog]

I think she's right you do need to let go. Not in a sense of giving up but for your own sanity.

Since I've been through this I will tell you it's going to get worse before it gets better. It would drive me crazy that I couldn't just see her or talk to her whenever I wanted, I made the mistake at the beginning by trying to do that...PLEASE DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE. Let her miss you, it won't happen right away but I think it will but it's got to be on her time not yours. Enjoy the time you have with the kids and the hard part GAL your butt off when there not with you.

[antlers]

I think she's right you do need to let go. Not in a sense of giving up but for your own sanity.

Since I've been through this I will tell you it's going to get worse before it gets better. It would drive me crazy that I couldn't just see her or talk to her whenever I wanted, I made the mistake at the beginning by trying to do that...PLEASE DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE. Let her miss you, it won't happen right away but I think it will but it's got to be on her time not yours. Enjoy the time you have with the kids and the hard part GAL your butt off when there not with you.

I struggle with this daily. I want to talk to her, to see her, and I can't! I'm trying hard not to. I'm doing OK with it right now, but I have made the mistake you mention in the past. I hope she will get to where she misses me...but, 'if' it ever happens, I think it'll be a long time from now. I try hard to enjoy the time with our kids...and working harder on me.

[confusedinpa]

Regardless what you're being told, I wouldn't give up on your marriage if your convictions tell you to stay committed to it.

Antlers

Thanks for stopping by. I don't seem to have much traffic/interest on my thread other than a small group of folks. Looks like you got Sandi2 working with you. I've been following what she's been telling you. Its good to have that insight

I don't want to give up on my marriage. My therapist isn't giving me much hope nor are my friends. Its all so painful.

I do want to keep trying but I've run out of what to do.

I feel lost at times. When I do I post its to get some thoughts/advice/encouragement

Thanks again

[antlers]

I don't want to give up on my marriage.

I do want to keep trying but I've run out of what to do.

Then don't! No matter what your friends and therapist, or anybody else, including your wife, are telling you. We're told here that if only one person in the relationship changes...then the relationship WILL change. That's the dynamics of it. It can't help but change.

Then keep on trying. Sometimes I suppose there is nothing else we can do, except work on ourselves. Period. And have patience, patience, and more patience.

[antlers]

Antlers

Thanks for stopping by. Looks like you got Sandi2 working with you. I've been following what she's been telling you. Its good to have that insight

Yeah. It's been awhile since something good has happened for me. Having her working with me is definately a good thing! Her insight is priceless!

[PortlandDad]

CIPA,

You are at the same point in your sitch that I am in mine. I can tell you that it does get easier overall, but you will have those melancholy days from time to time.

Have you examined yourself and your emotions for signs of depression? I know that about a month after my W walked out, I went to the doc and started up on anti-depressants (Celexa). They have really had a noticeable effect on my mood. They don't change my sitch or the life events around it, but it really has helped me cope with my run-away emotions. I still do have an odd day now and again, but not nearly as long or as intense as the pain I was in a few months ago.

Stay in the fight and work on you and your kids!

[confusedinpa]

I think she's right you do need to let go. Not in a sense of giving up but for your own sanity.

Since I've been through this I will tell you it's going to get worse before it gets better. It would drive me crazy that I couldn't just see her or talk to her whenever I wanted, I made the mistake at the beginning by trying to do that...PLEASE DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE. Let her miss you, it won't happen right away but I think it will but it's got to be on her time not yours. Enjoy the time you have with the kids and the hard part GAL your butt off when there not with you.

Volleydog,

Thanks for the advice. I do know that's the right thing to do. The eternal struggle is doing what right is not always what's easy.....

Thanks again for stopping by my thread.

[confusedinpa]

CIPA,

You are at the same point in your sitch that I am in mine. I can tell you that it does get easier overall, but you will have those melancholy days from time to time.

Have you examined yourself and your emotions for signs of depression? I know that about a month after my W walked out, I went to the doc and started up on anti-depressants (Celexa). They have really had a noticeable effect on my mood. They don't change my sitch or the life events around it, but it really has helped me cope with my run-away emotions. I still do have an odd day now and again, but not nearly as long or as intense as the pain I was in a few months ago.

Stay in the fight and work on you and your kids!

PortlandDad,

I appreciate the concern. I am keeping an eye out on that as that had been an issue for me in the past - a mild depression that caused me to shut down and lose interest in life in general. Unfortunately, this went on for 2-3 years (my wife says 8) and I was miserable to be around. That's another reason why I'm seeing a therapist twice a week.

She's the one who is pushing me to let go and move on. Unfortunately, she's also our marriage counselor so it really questions what she can do to really help us. She has without a doubt helped me. Her as well as the folks on this board.

Thanks again

[MrBond]

"She's the one who is pushing me to let go and move on. Unfortunately, she's also our marriage counselor so it really questions what she can do to really help us. "

I don't see why you don't think she's helping your M. She's just saying the same thing everyone here has been telling you from day 1. TO DETACH.

She's not telling you to stop loving your W. She didn't tell you to stop working on your R. She's telling you to let go and move on which means in DBing - DETACH AND GAL.

She sounds perfect for saving your M. She recognizes that you have to work on you and that your W has to work on herself.

I think the biggest struggle you're having is that you're still trying to FIX the M when the reality is that you don't have a M. It's perfectly normal for a man to want to "fix" things. However women want to deal with the feelings and emotions of things to which there is no easy fix. It's a M and not a broken chair leg.

You have to understand that it's out of your hands so you have to rely on yourself to get you happy.

It's extremely tough, but you take it one step at a time. One day at a time. You can do it. We all have.

"My therapist isn't giving me much hope nor are my friends."

Your T is giving you the best hope in the world. She is teaching you how YOU hold the key to your happiness and therein lies hope. If you're happy and strong there's always hope. As for friends, we all have friends who encourage us to "move on". But it's not their life so they have nothing to lose by telling you to move on. So where does it lead back to? You guessed it...YOU!

That's why detachment and GAL is so important. Turn your attention elsewhere and develop into the strong confident person once more. That will attract your W again.

[antlers]

You have to understand that it's out of your hands so you have to rely on yourself to get you happy.


If you're happy and strong there's always hope.
Turn your attention elsewhere and develop into the strong confident person once more. That will attract your W again.

Good advice for all of us.