WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[confusedinpa]

It's just after lunch. She's probably got the truck loaded and moving right now.

Very odd feeling - I'm a little anxious to find out what's she taken, but on the other hand, I'm feeling a little relieved that there is going to be a change. Hopefully it will be a change for the better.

I did get a call from her about one of our close friends. We had found out over the weekend that the husband is in the hospital with a strep infection in his blood. She called to tell me they now found it in the lining of his heart. Her friend called to see if she could watch the kids from 8PM to 11:30PM so the wife could stay with the husband during this time. My wife called to ask if it was ok. Of course I said yes.

Oh well, so it will be another nite without my wife. I guess I haven't had my wife around since Jan. I need to get used to it.

I had a good lunch with one of my friends who knows about my situation. I tried not to just talk about it during the entire lunch, but he did talk about some of the stuff going on with him and his family as well.

I have my therapy appointment tonite - it's suppose to be our consuling appointment but my wife was skipping this and the next appointment as she needed the time to complete/settle her move. She said she was going to keep going to every other one. One promising thing is she wants to shift from talking about the past to the present. Not the future, just the present. I'll talk to the therapist/counselor about this evening.

Anyone else run into this with their WAW?

[confusedinpa]

Anbody have any thoughts/experience with going to counseling with a WAW?

My wife and I have spent almost a dozen sessions rehashing the past just to have the counselor conclude that we never achieved a fully connected intimacy in our marriage of 9.5 years. Principle reason for that had been communication. I know I did my share which contributed to the lack of communication. My wife hasn't openly acknowledged it, but I think internally its on her radar. Part of it is because of some of the things she had said or she agrees when I say that our communication has improved.

Now she, like I had a few weeks ago, is tired of talking about the past. The past for her is just bringing back the hurt/pain that she felt. She wants to talk about the present. Not the future (i.e. how do we move forward or improve), but just the present. She does acknowledge that this may lead to a conversation about the past or future and is ok with that.

I really don't fully understand/follow what's she's getting at, but was curious what other people thought or their experience.

I made it clear to my wife that she should go to counseling only if she wanted to go. Hence her decision to go every other week. She said her rational is that she doesn't feel like things change that much from week to week to really get into different things. Don't really know for sure, other than the fact that she's not going the next 2 sessions.

Thoughts or encouragement would really be welcome!

[antlers]

Man, I'd give anything if my wife would go to counseling. Lots of guys here would! You're still in the game, man! Keep reading, learning, and studying. And above all, work on yourself and become a better man, father, and husband...regardless!

[volleydog]

I think that's great. Just stress to the C before you go what you want to accomplish and that you want to know what to do NOW. Like I told you my W said the same thing.

[confusedinpa]

Man, I'd give anything if my wife would go to counseling. Lots of guys here would! You're still in the game, man! Keep reading, learning, and studying. And above all, work on yourself and become a better man, father, and husband...regardless!

Antlers,

I appreciate the optimism. I know that at least she is going. I'm still not sure why she's going. She had picked up a uhaul truck last nite and took the day off today to pack up. Hard for me to be optimistic on a day light today.

It's still not clear to me as to why she's going to counseling as she really wouldn't give me a clear answer. Ever when our counselor asked, it sounds like she's treating it more like co-parenting counseling than marriage counseling.

At least I'm not stressing right now like I have been the last several weeks on what to talk about tonite with her in counseling. Guess I have to be thankful for the little things...

Thanks for checking in again!

[confusedinpa]

I think that's great. Just stress to the C before you go what you want to accomplish and that you want to know what to do NOW. Like I told you my W said the same thing.

A few months after my W and I were out of MC she said the same thing. I agreed we went every week and the hurt was brought out but we both realized we should have told the C that we didn't want to talk about the past but how to move forward. I'm not sure I'll get the chance to do MC again but if you do maybe that's something you and your W should make sure the C knows.

Volleydog,

Thanks for checking in on me. It was a tough weekend as it seemed like there was very light traffic on the board. I did a lot of journaling, but it was a tough weekend. It's going to be a tough week as well.

I had noticed that you said that your wife wanted to talk about moving foward. My wife said she doesn't want to talk about moving foward stuff as that would be talking about the future. She doesn't know what the future is so moving forward could mean either working on the marriage or working on the divorce.

So she wants to talk just about the present - i.e. things that are happening now/recently. I had done that a few weeks ago where I talked about the things that had been going well the past week and she really responded. Unfortunately, the next week was a really mess and that was the weekend she got her apartment and finalized her move out plans. So there wasn't much to talk about from a positive since in our weekly counseling sessions. We had talked about some recent stuff (i.e. when my aunt and mom came to visit), but it had been a rehash of the past.

When she told me she was tired of talking about the past, which is why she wanted to switch to every other week, I agreed with her that I didn't want to keep talking about the past either. I suggested talking about what was going on now and what are things we can do differently. She said she just wanted to talk about the present, NOT the future. She made it clear that talking about what are things we can do differently is future/foward looking.

I am feeling more and more tired lately. I've been staying up later and later and it's getting harder to get up. I need to get a good night sleep to recharge. That's not going to happen tonite because of what's going on with our good friend. I know I need to keep my strenght and focus.

Thanks again for your thoughts!

[volleydog]

Let me be clear she wasn't talking about moving our M forward but a way to be better for the kids, ect. I just don't think you can talk about the present only because you'll be talking about what you are going to do (future tense)not what you are doing right at the moment in time. I still think it's a positive.

[confusedinpa]

Let me be clear she wasn't talking about moving our M forward but a way to be better for the kids, ect. I just don't think you can talk about the present only because you'll be talking about what you are going to do (future tense)not what you are doing right at the moment in time. I still think it's a positive.

I agree with you. That's why I was confused to what my wife was trying to say. I was hoping that if she goes to another one with me, we can talk it through with the counselor so it will make more sense.

Thanks again for checking in on me. I hope you had a good weekend!

[spellfire]

Still checking in on you man. I don't have much new info to add. Just keep working on yourself the way you have. The the more strength you can show through this, the better.

[confusedinpa]

I am really mad. She told the kids without me there today. She said mommy and daddy are working somethings out so we will have 2 places.

I told her it was disrespectful and feel once again it is just all about her decisions, nothing with mine

I am now angry