WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[MrBond]

So say we all

[confusedinpa]

Wife got home from work and we went out for a B'day dinner for our oldest. Her phone battery died at work so she said she didn't get any of the pictures I sent till the end of the day (I asked what she thought of one of the pics)

We did have a nice dinner - we chatted and joked around like everything was fine. She got cold in the middle of dinner so I took off my sweatshirt for her to wear. We went to get ice cream as the Bday treat. She asked if she could wait in the car since she still was cold (it was a walk up window ice cream store). I went up with my 2 boys and we came back with ice cream for the 4 of us.

We got home and ate our ice cream cones. She was still cold and had the chills pretty bad. Her hands and feet were freezing. She pressed them against my hands and body to warm up as she said I was so warm. She did get a little playful with her feet on my lap/belly

She went up to change and put on some warm comfy clothes as I got the kids their bath and into their pj's

She wound up laying on the couch with a blanket. I came down and tried to be compassionate by saying "Hun, I see you are feeling really cold and look uncomfortable. Is there anything I can get for you to make you more comfortable?" Not sure if that was compassion or sympathy. Any comments?

She asked for some tea. I put an extra blanket on her and made her tea. She fell asleep before she drank any.

I wound up putting the kids to bed. She was snoring away as I came back down. Oddly when I shut off all the lights, she woke up very tired and groggy. I asked how she felt and she said just really run down and tired (probably the stress is breaking down her body like it usually does).

I asked if she needed anything to help her feel better. She said she needed some water and was going to bed. I got her a glass and helped her upstairs as she was really wobbly. I said good nite and went to my den to shop for vacuum cleaners as she took ours to her apartment already. It wasn't even 9PM on a Fri

I really need to get a life

I also drafted a letter of understanding of what we agreed to. My lawyer could draw up an agreement for me this weekend (he was out of town). I just wanted to get something signed before she talked to her lawyer

So we soldier. It's a heck of a war

[confusedinpa]

She woke me up at 4am because she wasn't feeling well and needed some medicine and tea. I helped her with compassion, hopefully not as a Mr Nice Guy. Since we didn't talk before she asleep. We talked about our day. She then started talking about what she needed to do this weekend so she can be at the apt next weekend

I didn't really respond.

We had a good breakfast. She made french toast. First time in a while she made breakfast as I had been getting up an hour before her. This time we got up at the same time.

I took the boys to soccer while she stayed behind to pack/move

I'm sad but I'm having fun soccer with my boys

She had asked if I thought more about the schedule. I said I don't like the schedule and not happy with it. I told her that I may be setting my bar too high since I'm not happy nor like what's happening.

I did tell her I was planning on going to church for easter sunday. I wasn't sure if she wanted to go but I made sure she knew she was invited this time. She said she thought it would be crowded but said she would go

So it continues

[confusedinpa]

Got home with the boys from soccer. She was out buying more stuff for her apartment. I did call to see if she was going join us for lunch. She said no but should be home to make dinner (she's making meatloaf, my favorite).

It still hurts seeing things go every day. I do not like the situation nor am I happy about it.

Since this entire thing started I've had a "hollow" feeling in my chest/gut. Guess this is what a broken heart feels like.

I've gotten short with my youngest as he is like my wife. When he is frustrated or hurt, he walks away crying/in tears. I've talked to him a few times about not walking away, but expressing what is hurting him. I just don't want him to make the same mistakes my wife and I had made. I had to choke back my tears as I talked to him

I did have fun with my youngest building a wooden dump truck before lunch

The 3 of us went and grabbed lunch

While my youngest was napping,I'm showing my oldest how to build with the erector set we got him for his Bday

I will be happy with my boys. I will be happy with me. I will miss my wife when she does actually leave

I will be strong. I will survive and thrive.

I hope everyone enjoys their easter

[confusedinpa]

Nite started with potential to be a mess but it was ok

She got home too late to make meatloaf so she said she was going to make burgers instead. I said that was what we had for lunch so I wanted to go out. The kids made a fuss to just have peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches. I said no, we're going out. I asked my wife where she would want to go. She said she didn't care. So I picked one of her favorites, which is also one of my favorites

It was a BYOB place so I grabbed some beers and a small champagne for her (she doesn't like the beers I drink). We had a good dinner with good food, drink and conversation. Kids did a good job. My food had to be redone because of a snafu in the kitchen. Normally I get upset about it. Instead I told them to just bring out my wife's (kids meal already came out with the appetizer) since I knew she was starving. I stayed upbeat and didn't let me be bothered by it at all (a major 180 for me)

We got home late so the kids went right to bed. My wife took a shower and so did I, seperately :-(

I folded laundry while my wife surfed the net. She came out complaining about a return she had to make. I listened and empathized. We talked about various non-relationship topics. Finally she said she was tired and going to bed. She said goodnite and off she went

I was actually relieved to not have to talk about custody or anything serious like that tonite.

It did seem like she tried to pick a fight about how I liked to listen to music all the time, where before I never did. I just shrugged and gave her a "Oh, I hadn't noticed" line

Its one day closer to her moving out. We are going to church together tomorrow. I will pray for some extra strength and guidance tonite

[confusedinpa]

Happy Easter everyone

I woke up early as usual (6AM). This time I had set my alarm as we were going to church for a 9AM service

My boys woke up and they went downstairs to watch a show. I took a shower. As I just finished drying off my wife walked into the bathroom. I still was naked but she came over and hugged me and asked me to crack her back. After I did, I broke away but she held on. I hugged her again and we joked about something that I forget. She laughed and smacked my bare bottom before we stopped hugging.

I went down to make breakfast but she said she would make her own. She said she didn't like how I made eggs. I said that I'll never know if she doesn't tell me. She snapped that she just wanted to make them. I just smiled and walked away.

While I was making breakfast my wife played with my 3 year old

She made a comment about how now I like to listen to music all the time when I never did before. I just shrugged and kept making breakfast

During breakfast we talked about misc stuff. When I put hot sauce on my egg sandwich, she made another comment about how I never ate hot sauce before. I just shrugged and said I had a hankering

We all got ready and went to church. It was hard for me at church as I realized that since she has the kids on Sun, that I won't get to go with them again. I choked back my tears and focused on the service

It was a nice Easter service

We went out for a nice lunch as a family. If you saw us, we would have looked like any other happy family, not one in the middle of a divorce

We got home and I put my youngest down for a nap. My wife reminded me that she wanted help taking apart the bookcase/wall unit that holds all the kids toys. I said I still didn't want to but would if she really wants me to help. She said she wanted me to help. I said I would but wanted to wait to tell the kids. She said that could be tough. I said that was still my opinion.

She took a nap and I continued to work on the erector set with my oldest in my den

She woke up and asked if she could use the computer. My oldest said he was done for today (its really hard for him to follow the instructions) and wanted to watch a show. We left the room as she started surfing for more stuff for her apartment.

I hope everyone has a good Easter

[confusedinpa]

It was another tough nite

She was really angry after the conversation on when to tell the kids. I told her we should wait till the day before or the day she actually leaves.

She came into my den and started stressing and venting about being angry. She said she wasn't making any progress in leaving and feels that she is angry to the point she was going to leave right then and there. I tried to be compassionate and acknowledge her feelings. I didn't appologize for anything but then showed her the "Letter of understanding" I put together based on our conversation. She made some corrections to grammer and then said she wasn't going to sign anything until she reviewed it with her lawyer. Dang it. I said it was just to capture what we had discussed. She said she agreed that it captured what we agreed to the other nite. She emailed it to herself and I asked her to copy me

Then she got a call and said she had to go pick up the uhaul truck. WTF?!?!?

She said there was a snafu as she was suppose to pick it up tomorrow but the reservation got messed up

Anyway she said she had to go and will be back later

My boys and I ate the meatloaf dinner she made for us. They asked where mom was and I just said she had an errand to run

When she got home, she appologized for missing dinner. She tried to be nice but I had enough for today

After we put the kids to bed, she then asked me to help her take apart the bookcase. I told her I didn't want to as it would be too painful for me. Because I do love her, I would if she wanted me to. She said she did want me to. So I took apart the bookcase/wallunit.

She then started splitting up the kids books while I surfed the web for a replacement bookcase/wall unit.

I reviewed how she had split things up, I made some adjustments and got a little emotional. I just said "This s**ks".

After we were done, I told her that I wished I understood the extent of the problem last year and we were able to talk like we are now. She started to cry but I think more of recalling her hurt than remorse

I asked her about a comment she made a few times this weekend, where she said that I would just move on and forget about her. I asked if that's what she really wanted.

She started saying how she really doesn't know what she wants. She said she thought I would just get mad and move on. She started to cry again

I did acknowledge her hurt and said that I see that I didn't hurt her by making her feel unloved, but she felt unloveable (from the book "Love without Hurt"). I told her that she is loveable and I do love her. I said I had tried to show her to the best I could in the past but I understand it differently now. I did it with my head before, but now its with my heart.

I told her we could make it different if we gave it a chance. She just nodded and cried a little more

She then said it was late and she was tired.

So she's moving out tomorrow

I have my therapist appointment tomorrow as well. She also said that she's not going the following week either as she would be just settling into her new place. She said she would go the week after that. I said if that's what she wanted to do

Its going to be a tough week

[goingtofixME]

Confused,

I can feel the love you have for your wife and sons. My heart breaks for you having to go through this. I can certainly empathize. It hurts to finally understand what it is you need to do to fix the things that have been going wrong in your relationship and not be given the opportunity. You feel gyped. I wish you strength in getting through this tough week you speak of.

[confusedinpa]

Confused,

I can feel the love you have for your wife and sons. My heart breaks for you having to go through this. I can certainly empathize. It hurts to finally understand what it is you need to do to fix the things that have been going wrong in your relationship and not be given the opportunity. You feel gyped. I wish you strength in getting through this tough week you speak of.

Thanks for checking in on my thread. It is a tough week as it's a real gut shot.

I think you captured it spot on. I feel gyped that I'm not given the opportunity. I know that's how my wife also feels as she feels' gyped for being hurt over the years. She had thought that marriage would be happy and loving. Instead she feels she has gotten years of pain/hurt. There were happy moments, but she felt that the love was not there.

I've told her that I had tried to make her feel loved the way I had known how. I see that didn't meet what she expected. I understand that now.

I thought I would be a lot worse today, particularly as I saw the Uhaul truck parked down the street. Perhaps I'm numb. Or I know that I've done everything that I can do to give us a chance now. This is now her decision.

I pray that we have the strength and wisdom to save our marriage

[confusedinpa]

I have 4 words for you. SNAP OUT OF IT!

You went from being very strong in terms of keeping the DB principles to being self-centered again. Re-read your posts from yesterday and today. "I" don't believe in this, "I" don't believe in that. "I" don't know how I feel.

What happened to being compassionate to what your W wants? If you don't go back to being compassionate to her needs and wants, you are dooming yourself to failure.

I've really given it much deeper thinking of late. I see how I've gotten more focused on me than on her. I hope that it hasn't pushed her even further away.

I do see how I haven't gotten comfortable with any parenting agreement as it's not what I want, I want to keep the family together. This is something that she needs to achieve what she wants. I believe this is where compassion/love starts, doing something its what someone you love needs, even if it's not what you want.

I told her that as I showed her the letter of understanding that outlined what we discussed the other day. She seemed to calm down somewhat, not sure if it's because she is seeing progress in moving out or if she feels the compassion/love that I'm trying to show.

When she asked me to help her take apart a bookcase/wall unit, I told her its not what I want to do as it hurts to see her leave, but because I do love her, I will help if she wants me to. I wasn't enthusiastic when I helped her, but I wasn't mean/nasty, just sad.

She has taken the day off today to move. I have my therapy appointment today so I won't be home till late. I wonder what will be left.

I must remember, neither my wife nor my marriage makes me happy. I have the power to choose to be happy, whether I with my wife or not. I will not make myself feel powerless by trying to control what my wife does, these are her choices. The only person I can control is myself. The only person I can change is myself. So that is what I will focus on. I will be the best man, friend and father I can be, for myself, for my sons.

I will survive and thrive.