My H called to let me know he is alive & well. He opened up more and there is yet more to the story.
States the OW he slept with was someone he dated from work in Maryland and she by "coincidence" moved to TX (and ended up in the same town at him). States he slept with her on & off the entire time we dated, after we were engaged, and even the month after we were married. States he is ILW her. He claims she knew about me and that we got married?? Also states she knows he has slept with 2 OW since deploying?? Not sure I believe this....
States he thought he was ILW me but was not. I asked why if he liked her so much (since she moved to TX to be with him) did he start dating me?? Why was it me he decided to marry when she was in TX the whole time? Just so confusing!!!!
Any thoughts?
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
One of our mutual friends called tonight (my H's best man). He confirmed there was another woman he dated who wanted to move down to TX to be with him (2 years ago)... but my H's response was he didn't want her to move, didn't like her, and she wasn't the girl for him. But apparantely she moved anyways.... and ends up to the OW my H now wants to be with??? Our friend was completely shocked the OW did move to TX and also to the fact my H was sleeping with her the entire duration of our R & M.
It's been a lot to digest. My whole sitch was so confusing before and makes a lot more sense now that I seem to have the truth. However my H is still a mystery :-)
I am numb as to how I proceed at this point. I will continue to seek God's direction and pray for clarity as to how I move forward.... and what to do with our M.
Last edited by FitChik; 04/11/0903:56 AM.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
OUCH!!!... sooo, let me see. First off, see a JAG L b/c they're free and what on earth do you have to lose? If they tell you that you need a civilian attorney (can't recall where you are stationed) get one. Big deal, you'll meet them at least once and get info but MAKE SURE they have experience with the military (maybe a former JAG in the area). There may not be an advantage to divorcing now, except if you want to date, and I KNOW what your answer is to that...but make sure you are not responsible for his debts, and change your SGLI and other beneficiaries. You don't want OW to benefit in any way from your demise or injury and trust me, I've seen some ugly situations in war and with marriages...
Okay, is it possible that God wants you to know all this b/c it's clear that you are not meant to be married to this man? Is that possible? We all have free will and maybe there were signs before the M (obviously there were, but did you get any of them?) that you overlooked or ignored, or didn't want to face or were too needy to see, and unfortunately you are being slammed with a lot of info now and all of it is pointing away from M to him now. I mean what is your real confusion about?
You are wondering now, how far off you were with your vision of him? I guess pretty far. So was at least one of his friends, who would have been a better man to have told YOU and or told your h to tell you the truth before the m...but that's not how it played out and now you know.
What else are you expecting to have happen or to find out, before you'll "know" what it is you are wanting to know? I mean for ME, God's clarity has never been a lightning strike. I've had to pray and sort of get thru some fog and see that it's kind of a 60/40 thing for ME probably b/c of the way I analyze. Maybe it's much clearer to Him...but for me, in your sitch, it IS clear.
So my question is, what are you waiting for as a sign? And is it all about whether to file or wait? Or are you thinking your h will "get it" and "wake up" and rush back to you realizing that ALL of the past was just one big mistake?
It wasn't. It's a PATTERN of behavior and the only reason I can imagine that he is telling you all this now, is to get through to you that it is over. Your sitch is short, and pretty dramatic and not that confusing as he is NOT loving to you, or acting in a conflicted way. He's just not a husband type although he's telling himself it's all about choosing wrong on his end and that NOW he found the RIGHT one so NOW he'll be a great h....uh huh...sure....it's not HIM, it's YOU and the other ex w, and the other gf's before...they were all the wrong women and now he has the RIGHT one and NOW he'll be faithful to HER...
yeah, whatever. Pray that he gets better and doesn't get killed there or die a jerk. And focus on yourself. Are you sure the fast is a good idea? Are you discussing it with your doctor? It concerns me on a number of levels. Don't confuse fasting with getting your h back. You are sufferring enough. Geez, get a gallon of ice cream or something...a bottle of good wine and a long bubble bath and cry and rent chick flicks, etc.
I think the mountain climb is GREAT and I wish I were younger. Damn, I hate writing that out! IT's a definite regret though, as I got pregnant after qualifying for airborne so I never went and got my wings. And climbing some serious mountains was also on my list but with little ones it gets too crazy and suddenly you are in your late 40's...(maybe it's not too late/???)
Back to YOU...I think I've said enough FC...I think you know the answers. But you sure don't like them and neither would I. Ask God for strength, b/c somehow I think he IS giving you guidance...it's the follow up that sucks for you right now.
But hey, I'm human and I could be way off. But dang, your h is probably doing you a favor by dumping all this crap onto you now. Call him in 5 years and maybe he'll be healed, but no, do not tell him this!! IT only works if he thinks he's lost you and he does not think that now. In fact, it is hard to miss someone you know you can have. IF IF there is any chance of a reconciliation I think it's from losing you and winning you back as he is not the type to spontaneously treat you well. This isn't a fluke for him, which is the terrible news. This is him. I think that is what he's trying to say to you.
I'd treat him like an alcoholic who just realized he has a problem, but he is not YOUR problem...he is HIS problem, and OW's I suppose...some catch for her...
I think the hardest thing for you right now is that you are finding out how long term the deceit was. So you wonder if your perceptions about anyone or anything are on target. This is a natural response to news that would floor anyone. But go back to my earlier post. Get c and find out what you overlooked IF anything. Maybe your h is the greatest actor of all time and ALL the good times were lies...He should go to Hollywood. Missed his true calling.
But maybe he's just a cheater who likes "feeling in love" and having lots of women in his life, as w's, as OW's, etc. There are guys like that. Some of them are around you in the military. But I just wish that the ONE guy you are supposed to be with who is out there now...won't get shrugged off b/c you are "with" your h...legally.
Someday you'll meet a man like many of the ones here. And he won't lie or cheat. He'll be a good man and you'll be happy together. In the meantime, fix whatever there is to fix in you, and heal....
I have said enough and you have had to "learn" enough for now for anyone. You must focus on the mission. My older brother is there now in Afghan, and just left from Iraq. He likes the adrenaline rush I can tell, and will likely lose his "new" wife as their m is about 4 years old and 3 of them he has chosen to be overseas in Iraq. When he returns to the US, as NO war lasts forever, he'll return to an empty home I think...and his d18 will be in college and she won't really know him either...and he'll "get it" when he turns about 60. My FIRST sil, is lucky my brother left her 10 years ago. She was so hurt back then, but she met a good man who has been a great step dad to my niece as my brother has gone off and hunted for adventure and adrenaline-- to keep him from looking within or whatever it is that motivates him to "keep striving, never arriving..."etc. There is a thread of that in your h, but my brother never actually cheated on his w so I have to hand that to him.
FC, forgive me, but your h has a pattern of being a really lousy h and bf. He is consistently bad at it. What else can I say? I'm so sorry! My real question is about your past. Have you chosen poorly before? What were your other bf's like? Is there something in who you choose, or was this man, your h, the first time you've been way off? I'm hopeful you can gain insight here in case you played some role so that you won't have this horrible experience again. But there might be nothing here but dang, EXPLORE IT...who wants this again? No one. Good luck,
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
my H just called me and told me it was all a lie! states he never cheated on me. states he made it up b/c it was what i wanted to hear b/c it would fit into my religious beliefs. i am even more pissed than before!!! why in the world would anybody play games like this? it's making me so mad! i just want the freaking truth w/o all of the horse crap!
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
FitChk, You have all the "truth" you need, don't you? His friend said things about cheating that HE knew of, and the OW who moved there and kept seeing him when you married...come on, you know what you need to know. Not all the details, true. Not where one lie began and another started...but so what?
He's in no shape to be your h now if he ever was. And he's in no position to throw darts at your beliefs. Is it POSSIBLE you are pushing for details when they are not necessary? And btw, what the heck is HE talking about anyhow? "What you wanted to hear"....please...."adultery"?? Sure, we ALL WANT THAT...what world does he live in?
Just asking...and I AM SORRY you are going thru this crap. It IS CRAP...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It definitely is CRAP! :-) Our friend said he never knew my H cheated and was very shocked when I told him. He said he knew the OW wanted to move but didn't think she had. My H confirmed today that she didn't.... or so he says now. Our friend actually asked last night if H could be making all this up to push me away. BINGO! I wondered if he was lying b/c there were a lot of holes in his story that didn't match up. So H is not a cheater... just a big fat liar :-).
Yeah, he said it made me feel better to hear he cheated on me and that's what I wanted to hear. I am not sure what world he is living in right now. I was so thrilled I was nauseous all week long and was hysterically crying a lot of the week??
Like you said J, bottom line is H is in no shape to be a H right now. I think he jumped in to a M too fast and wasn't ready. I'm definitely not excusing it but that's the reality. I still think it's CRAP. It's like buying a hot new car and not being able to make the payments.
He throws darts at my beliefs b/c he was strong in his faith at one point and is far away from it now. I think it pisses him off faith is a big part of my life (like it used to be for him). Probably hits a little too close to home.....
I despise drama!! The good part of this week is after church tomorrow I am going up to Canada to ski for 3 days! It's supposed to be gorgeous weather too. It will be a nice vacation from all this mess.
It's definitely time to go dark and just leave my H the heck alone.....
Last edited by FitChik; 04/12/0912:09 AM.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
and don't cast out the other possibilty that he cheated here and there, but not "way over there"...and blah blah blah. What a nut case he is right now. Obviously NOT ready for M and why he thought he was, or wanted to marry or didn't may NEVER be known.
My point--don't spend too much time trying to figure out nutty crappy behavior. He likely does not understand it himself so why would you? I spent countless months trying to figure out my H and his mlc and you know what? I WILL PROBABLY NEVER UNDERSTAND THE CHOICES HE MADE and I now accept that.
All that truly matters is what we are now and going forward and that we agree on that. I will not rack my brain trying to de-code his feelings or quests, or whatever it was that motivated him.
So you were briefly married to a guy who is either a pathological liar (and this IS pathological lying at it's finest) or a cheater, or both. Now you know.
So what are you going to do with the rest of your life? How much of it does this idiot get to screw up of YOUR time on earth? This is not a dress rehearsal. Remember about your life being a novel? If it's a book, how is this chapter going? What do YOU want to have happen in the next chapter? How is the book of your life going and who is writing it? Be the author of your life and start THIS chapter with YOU writing it. No more idiot h dictating how your life/book is going...or the next chapter or the epilogue.
I have lost a brother and have one going to Afghan. Also a bil who died in September of a brain tumor (and mil has cancer so =WE HAVE BEEN ON A DEATH WATCH THIS YEAR....) so yes, I am sensitive to the fact that Tomorrow is promised to no one.
Life is short. Start enjoying your time here and he cannot be part of that. Period. Sorry. But...this is too weird and too cruel for you to function with, given that others will depend on you. As a veteran, I have to say I deeply resent this kind of crazy drama from a soldier. Who does this??
Take care of yourself and have a blast skiing...and fix your SGLI and any other papers of the military, and see a JAG...and EAT something delicious!
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Great advice like always. I love your perspective and realness! I have come to accept I also will never understand his choice to get married or the choice to end our M so quickly. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure it out and I'm still lost :-). I don't think he completely understands either..... I believe he thought I was the magic answer to his own happiness and when he found out I wasn't, he bailed. I could have told him upfront I wasn't his magic solution!
When is your brother heading over to Afghan? I am sorry for your losses. Our time here is definitely precious and something to make the most of. I'm glad it doesn't end here on earth.
Last edited by FitChik; 04/12/0903:05 AM.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
I am on vacation and it is so nice!! I definitely needed a few days away from all the madness. These crazy conversations I had with my H completely wore me out - and sounds like they were a big lie anyway! All H gained was me thinking he is even more confused than before..... and created confusion inside me :-).
It is difficult to keep my focus on God with so much drama going on! I need to spend some quality time in prayer right now. I have been challenged in many diff't aspects but this sitch is definitely a unique one! I have never had my faith & trust challenged so much.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
