thanks lady B. I sometimes still get wrapped up in the what more can I do phase. my tunnels are only left to LRT and done. This is bad because all of our mutual friends agree she just does not want to deal with ANYTHING from the last 9 years. so i detach and shes more then happy because it lets her continue on with this new life shes dreaming. If i contact im a uncomfortable remoinder of as life she does not want to take any responcibility for. do im i the damed if i do and damed if i dont part of the sich.
i took another DBer's advice and gave a lot of space there for awile. thats when thre new man came in. she has the glimmers you talk about, but i cant hang my hat on them.
Marcum, you did the best you could, we can't make anyone do anything, she had in her hands the power to save her M but she is in la-la land and refuses to do what's right. You have waited for a long time and she refuses to get her head out of the hole she's dug. We can can't get hung up about every little thing they say, we must be very careful about what we believe when a WAS talks.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
marc, I still think you have too much contact with your wife. Even if it's about trivial business, taxes, etc. Stop all of it. You have nothing to lose at this point so why not try it.
From her point of view, she can have you at any time she wants you and she knows it. The term is "conquered", and nobody wants something they can have easily like that. You wear your heart on your sleeve all the time, she knows you love her, she has seen you cry for her recently, etc. You present no real challenge to her, there is nothing attractive in what you are doing.
You should have tried the LRT a long time ago. Detach, go dark, no communications: no email, no texts, no phone calls, etc. Make yourself unavailable, get a life, do something other than think about her.
What advantage do you present to her right now at this moment over the OM? You don't appear strong to me, you still talk about the relationship with her (ie. we still have time left to turn this around before the divorce goes through).
I know this is hard, it's the hardest thing you will ever go through, I'm sure of it but this isn't the time to crumble and be weak - it's the time to stand tall and be strong, act as if you are even if you aren't.
And stop taking 100% responsibility for the failure of this relationship!!! Relationships are a dual responsibility, you were half of the relationship, she wasn't perfect, stop believing that and start standing up for yourself. If you really believe raising your voice is a reason for someone to cheat on their spouse, you are mistaken - there is never a reason to cheat on your spouse, put that in your head and remember it. Resentment breeds entitlement, she wasn't happy with something so to teach you a lesson, she goes and does something she knew/knows is going to hurt you alot: cheating on you.
Take the image of your wife down from the pedestal, back down to earth on the level ground you are standing on and see her eye to eye. She isn't worse than you, she isn't better than you, she doesn't deserve for you to kiss the ground that she walks on - start valuing & respecting yourself more than you currently do - people will only love & respect someone who loves & respects themselves. You don't sound like your self-esteem is anywhere near where it needs to be right now. Start working on this for your benefit and start doing it today - in the end the person you have to take care of most is yourself.
Marcum, Don't shoot yourself in the foot about detaching and her finding another man. She would have done it anyway whether you were there or not. In fact, if you were still around, she would have found a way to blame you for it. It happens to all of us.
Detach and let it run it's course. It's a rebound relationship, so it isn't going to last. She was being disrespectful to you by not telling you she was dating. "She didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings" Oh please! What planet are our WAWs living on? It was to let her feel better with a clear conscience ... period.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
thanks for the input guys. its nice to have that 3rd person view. your right about the OM, I can see that now. her not " feeling Married" crap was a way to validate her cheeting on her husband. I dont have anything to loose anymore. I have tried the persuit and it diudnt work. I have stepped through every friggin hoope like C and self awarness classes and anger manegment, but it didnt mean anythiong to her. My friends, and heck a lot of her friend who i still see, tell me they see a new me. she just dosen't want to .....or may never want to. SO, I have nothing left to do now but to BUILD a NEW me. if she tries to come along GREAT if not.... i will miss her always but cant let my life end. she had a husband, who when confronted about being better said OK. Thats not easy to find. was i neglectfull, yes i took her wonder for granted sometimes. did I yell, yes sometimes I did. Did i refuse to admit all this and not work on myself NO!!! i RAN to where ever she pointed because i WANTED to be a better husband. mean while she's now 29 with a new nose-ring and wants to get angel wings on her back to show what she has " rizen above" in life. jees if i wasn't heartbroke i would almost laugh. Its been a one sided battel and I cant win that.
guess it's like a boat with only one paddle, can't go forward if the other person doens't give it his/her all. I did it all, counseling, inv and separately, no amount of C could talk any sense into stbx as he clang to then ow (who later got sick of him and kicked him out). There was nothing I left undone to save my M, but he just refused to do any work and only thought of himself and of inmediate gratification.
You will win this battle by becoming a better person, for you, not for her , for YOU.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
well we met to take care of the taxes today. She was very nice and told me I looked handsome. of course I was dressed up, as I never let her see me sloby anymore. the W decided to drop a bomb on me in the way of telling me she wants to quit her job now and do missionary work down south. she says her work ( she's a occupational therapist) tells her she's not a team player so she's fed up. never mind the fact she does call in sick all the time. Hell she told me last week she broke out in stress hives. So she's going to maybe try the missionary work to " find herself" as she " feel something missing" I just wanted to take her hand and say " W, maybe your subconscious is telling you something" but instead I told her to do what she thinks is best. Any person with half a brain can see she's not doing alright even though she has this so called " perfect life" God I wish she would just thing "HMMM I wonder why I leave Marcum and now I get hives, hate my job, don't seem fulfilled anymore, and can't seem to be happy" she left and told me to call her sometime. I told her to call me as I don't know when she's free. its final in 2 months and she's falling apart a little and she STILL does not want to try with me. she will tell her friends she's scared of me, but the first thing she does today is give me a hug when she walked through the door. still detaching....but really worried she just takes me away as more time to keep running. " out of sight, out of mind"
Hi Marcum, I understand & have been there too. It's very difficult to see someone you care about spinning out of control & there is nothing you can do. It is always easier to blame someone else isn't it?? Try to keep a PMA. And of course focus on you & your kids.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
W called today. she lost her job on Friday for calling in sick to much. She called in 7 times since Jan. she thinks it was all their fault. So now for the big drop. She is moving to Beaumont TX for 13 weeks now to to volunteer work. I don't know if this is through a church, organization, or a frigging Craig's list scam. She told me she was scared and excited. I told her I wish her the best. Then she goes on to say don't worry I can fly back to finalize the D. I still love the woman very much. My feel like IO should invite her to dinner before she leaves the state. If this is volunteer work she may loose the money to pay for her phone, of heck just decide to stay down there forever. Now that she's jobless around here theres no reason for there to come balk to this area even if she does come back to Wisconsin. I worry about her safety, and to be honest on a selfish note I worry about never seeing her again.
