yep let that snarky bastard work his to No overnite visits....i say
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Just a second option...has S8 ever told his little brother that he can come sleep with him when he is scared etc? Maybe that will keep him out of their bed. Just an idea but also shooting a warning shot across the bow from the L couldn't hurt.
Hang in there.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I ahhhh, I dissent from the popular opinion in this.
Quote:
My thinking is that I need to protect my kids.
From what? Two adults sleeping together before they are married? And by sleeping...I mean sleeping.
A 5 year old child looking for comfort in the middle of the night, and I'm not sure removing that comfort is in his best interest.
Bringing this to court would involve your children's testimony. Wouldn't it? I am not a lawyer, but I cannot see any other way, some sort of evidence they would have to communicate for the validitiy of accusation. And in that case, what they say could hurt mom or dad in their mind. Why burden them like that?
Would I like it if that was the case with my son and his mom and the OM? No, not at all and I might let her know that, but court? Then again, I didn't ask my boys questions about her life when they came back from being there either.
Yeah we are all upset and pis sed off for you MissH and it's not right, but its not worth burdening your kids or puting them in the middle and realistically making them choose.
What would happen if your XH managed to coach them into saying it never happened? In the courtroom...how would you feel then?
They aren't doing it to spite you,, or rub your face in it, they are doing it so a 5 year old who might not like the place can get some sleep.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Week one of my new life. Wonderful title. Words are very strong. It is wonderful to read this.
After reading what you wrote, I can totally understand your frusteration, and your hurt.
For that I am sorry. It sucks butt.
I do however, think that contacting your L for this is going to make things worse.
I think it's time to change the dance, I dunno, I think we have touched on that changing the dance thing before, and you do so wonderful at it when you don't get upset by his actions.
JA. Words are very strong. He will be JA as long as you allow him to be JA in your thoughts.
Call him by X or by his name, remove the negativity from it.
He is now your X husband. He does not owe you anything.
(very hard to accept, very hard concept to grab, very hard to removed yourself from wife roll)
She is no longer the OW actually, she is his GF.
By accepting this, it does not mean that what they DID was right.
It just means that you have removed yourself from his drama and it holds no burden on you, and YOUR NEW LIFE.
The children.
I can tell you, that it gets easier.
It is very hard yes, but it does get easier.
I used to, without even REALLY thinking about it, ask the kids questions about their visit.
So when they told me that, Oh I slept with papi and his GF b/c i was scared. My entire face and demeanor would change.
No matter how much I tried to hide it my anger. and, so many times I didn't even try to hide it very well. A change would happen.
My kids were put in a horrible position. They would put in a position to PROVE to me how much they loved me.
They should not have to prove anything. I know they love me.
It took a bunch of trial and error on my part.
I also started to figure out that they would skip certain things when they came home from a weekend with papi, b/c they didn't want to hurt my feelings.
It was my own fault. I put them in this horrible position, of putting them on guard, and them having to change the "story"
If you believe in your heart and have evidence that this woman will harm your children in any way. Then by all means do what you have to do to protect them.
If her loving your children, in anyway makes you sick to your stomach, then that is your issue, and that has nothing to do with the babies.
The babies in everyone's case have been through an emotional ringer.
Let's not be the ones to add to this stress and pain.
YES, what he did sucks butt.
YES, b/c of HIS actions none of this would of been happening.
But, it IS happening. It is the way things have turned out.
Don't ask the babies what happens over there if you do ask them.
Do you really want to get your X back on the defensive?
Do you really want your kids to notice that there is something OFF, AGAIN with mom and dad.
Do something different. Get the X off guard.
He is just waiting for you to B!tch about this, once he knows you found out again.
You are not that person, anymore mama. You are a person that has grown so very much.
Don't allow what happens on HIS time with the children to shift your footing.
PS Shecky's was great next time let's go together.
Besos amiga.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Lissie - when did you get so darn smart? You're a blessing.
MissH - We all get caught up in being cheerleaders for our friends, and torch carrying mobs for their enemies. Lissie and Jack have shared some sincerety here, and some deep meaning stuff.
You are our friend. It may be time to consider how much JA and his GF are enemies. Not being enemies does not equal being friends.
There really is so much out there that the little ones shouldn't have to spend too much time trying to understand. They percieve way too much already, and it troubles them in ways they often try to hide.
I think like Lissie said, you will struggle greatly, but will also find it to be easier in time. Maybe it will happen more quickly when you try to see things from the kid's view ... "when it is appropriate".
You'll always need to be the responsible loving and caring mom who watches out for them and the things they don't understand. Things that are needlessly allowed to become critical mass are things to watch for. It would be so much easier for you to examine things this way if JA wasn't a JA. If he could discuss with you whether something is potentially heading in that direction without cause, and agree to work equally to avoid it ... your load would lighten greatly. He is and he will be a JA. You may be the only one who knows him well enough to discuss the best interests of the kids this way. It wouldn't be one conversation, or a short one, but a series of baby steps worth taking when you feel it is right.
I think we are all saying the same thing. We do care about you and the children. We all want what is best for you and the children. We don't much care what bus hits JA as long as we get to ride. We just don't want the kids hurt in the crash.
Clear your mind a while and write down some blessings in your life that you have been too busy to notice. List little ones like not having to do JA laundry. List big ones like those wonderful babies. The more you can list, the lighter your heart will feel with some of this. Maybe start a new journal, a daily blessings journal that means you must give yourself a few precious minutes each day to be still and list your blessings. That list will grow. Looking back over previous lists will strengthen you. It is just one of many little tools for healing, and heal you will.
hew sweets))))) I agree with the above as well. The ow is not an ow, it's his gf, they live together "like" married people and will behave like so, like it or not, the court can't monitor their every day lives. The looser missed out on a great woman and it is HIS loss, you have gained a brand new life without a spineless coward that took the easy way out.
Unless there is some abuse I would let that go. I too have a 5yr old, I know how you feel MissH, stbx and gf live together, they aren't married (yet), but it is what it is. I can see JA making your life a living hell over this. That woman doens't deserve to be near your children but he has chosen to her to be around the kids and she is being decent with them, that's the bottom line. Stbx' gf makes food my kids hate and combs d5's hair hard and she cries, but she also makes cupcakes they can all enjoy and *is* combing her hair. I have slowwwwwwwly accepted that, that she is now part of their daily lives.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
JSYK, since my divorce is done with and my L is all paid up to full, I don't want to have to go through him anymore and waste money.
Also, I have already decided to not take him to family court because after thinking about it, I realized it would just lead to bigger problems that I am not ready to take on.
So, after 3 years of this, I have realized I have become one of those bitter woman that I told myself I would not allow myself to get.
After 3 years of putting up with the x and all his abusive crap, I have come to despise him.
He has put me through emotional hell these last few years. I need to find a way to deal with this anger, most likey talk to a therapist about it. X is clueless as to why I am angry.
So, I don't think I belong posting here anymore until I can get my head on straight and let go of this anger. Being here, and seeing LBS getting sh!t on day in and day out, is not helping.
I'll be back someday, but for now I need to clear my head.
Hi Miss H I know I dont post to you much but I have read your posts for awhile and have felt for you. My x is much like yours as done mean and nasty things that have gone beyond what I could comprehend. To top it off we also have two boys more grown than yours and one got disabled ( brain damage ) from drugs after being a near perfect son, needless to say h went off the deep end and as basically what i call abondaned this son but not the other one, trying to be the fun disney Dad, etc...so many dynamics and to me the worse part of all of this was not about the really mean things he did to me it was watching him favor one son over the other....just to give you some back ground.....and also just went throught finalizing an almost 2 year divorce and this is 4 years post bomb, 3 years seperated with ow and the whole deal......I too recently just thought I cant take anymore...he is nothing but a creep with a capital C....and I worried am I becoming one of those bitter women...when really i feel hurt beyond belief...anyway I also have attended support through midlife.com and earlier this week someone who has been through marriage restoration recommended this book called , "Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace..now if you are like me you might be thinking forget it Im not even his wife anymore....and while I havent read it yet, the lady recommended this for anyone who is seperated or divorced too. Here are some things she shared In Martha's book, she says that she has counseled many wives and they have told her they were not bitter, they were, however, "hurt". Martha said she would gently explain to them that the emotions of feeling "hurt" and "resentful" are usually how you feel when you are bitter. There are several common signs of bitterness. I am planning on ordering this book. I just want to survive this not as a bitter woman and I also want Gods best for my life and my boys. As I have read through your posts I sense that about you....this is not the life you can even believe has happened, but somehow we have got to make it and not just survive it...be a model for our boys.....anyway I just wanted to pass this suggestion on to you....as it doenst matter that you are not his wife now, this is about you and that you dont want to be that bitter person....otherwise he will still have power over you.....just wanted to share in case your interested. Take Care and wisdhing you the best.
