WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

It was a good day with my buddy and his family

We went to a kids interactive science museum and then the park. All the kids had a lot of fun

We had a good lunch (pizza with beer and apple juice). We got home about 3 hours after my 3 year old's nap time. I laid down with him to settle him for a nap (the other kids were playing so I didn't want him to feel left out). We both wound up taking a 2 hour nap (a first for me in years).

The kids played together nicely and we had a great dinner.

I wound up shooting pool with my buddy till 2AM while we talked a little about my situation but mostly laughing/joking about our past. It was great talking about the "simplier" times in High School and College - before things went crazy with work and then marriage/family

The only tough part of the evening was my wife sent me a photo at 1:30 AM of her martini with olives arranged like a p*nis with a caption of "When bad things happen to good martinis"

No idea what to make of that. I wanted to call/text her to find out what was going on but I didn't. I'm sure the right move is to ignore it but I do reaaly want to call her. I'm sure no good will come of a call though

It was a great day with a bizare end to the evening

Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

She called us this morning to find out when we were coming home

we chatted for a few minutes and then she talked to the kids for a few minutes

I didn't ask how her weekend went, not sure if I should. My 180 is I should. LRT/Dark means I shouldn't. Its so hard to decide what to do

She called me back and let a message saying my mom is coming over next weekend

I so want to call her back and ask how her weekend went. Is that right or wrong to do?

[confusedinpa]

Anybody?

[davidswife]

I wouldn't call her back. Aren't you trying to stay dark?

[JDOllie]

If she calls you, fine, you can respond and still be "dark". Being dark is supposed to pique their interest, and alot of times, it provides a comfort cushion for the WAW because they don't feel harassed.

But I wouldn't initiate.

[confusedinpa]

I'm not sure if I should be dark or not

My wife has always said that these changes are real and can't believe them. I don't want to reinforce that behavior

Guess I'm actually unsure what Dark is and will it conflict with my 180

[confusedinpa]

Arghhhh!

This is really frustrating

I had a great weekend with my trip with my boys to CT. I told her about it and then she hits me with a several 1-2 punch combos

First combo was that she spent time shoping for things she would need when she moved out (which she said was soon)

Then she asked what I wanted to tell the kids. I told her that was her call as this is entirekly her decision. I still believe in the marriage and it can work

Second combo, she said she still didn't feel that I loved her as she felt I didn't know what I wanted

I asked if she knew and she said that she just can't put words around her thoughts so she tell me

I told her that I would love to share the journey with her if she would tell me, but only if she wanted to

Then I told her my priorities now is to have positive/enjoyable experiences with people that I love and care about. I see in the past it was things but now its the experiences as the experiences are what's remembered forever in people

The third combo came when she felt that when she called me last Weds and I told her that I was going to CT with the boys on Fri, it was like I handled things in the past. I had decided and she had no say in it. Plus she was upset that I didn't invite her.

I did appologize to her that if she felt that she wasn't invited. I told her that was not my intention as I said to her that I would love it if she came. She said she didn't really feel that was an invitation. Plus that was also the nite I was going out so she was doubly upset as she felt that I wasn't even going to talk about it

I told her that the entire trip thing came up last minute when I talked to my buddy Weds. I did acknowledge and validate when she said that I should have talked to her about it rather than just tell her what I was planning. Then she said it wasn't that important as she wouldn't have gone anyway

She was clearly upset and then said it was late so she was going to bed (it was 10PM)

Its just so confusing with her

I did have a great trip with my boys so I will not let her being upset take away those great memories

[spellfire]

"I would love it if you come" is an invitation in my books. She is just pulling out stuff to give you a hard time.

Keep doing the 180s man, you can go dark later if necessary.

Assignment for you:

Write a list of things she is saying and doing that you don't like and/or disagree with.

[confusedinpa]

"I would love it if you come" is an invitation in my books. She is just pulling out stuff to give you a hard time.

Keep doing the 180s man, you can go dark later if necessary.

Assignment for you:

Write a list of things she is saying and doing that you don't like and/or disagree with.

That's actually a tough question. The biggest thing that's she's done that I don't like and/or agree with is filing for a divorce

More recently, it's not sharing her feelings when they occur (my guess is she doesn't want to start a fight or get me angry). She seems to be finding/looking for reasons to hold onto her anger/hurt. This is making her act very selfish in moving forward with the divorce without consideration for the kids

Thanks for checking in Spellfire. When she hit me with the combos my wall held strong. I did appologize to her for making her feel like she wasn't invited but did tell her I felt I did.

I also appologize for making her feel that I told her like I wasn't discussing the trip like a concept with her (vs presenting it like a decision). I didn't get into the rational behind that as I purposely did it because I felt she would not go and was afraid she wouldn't let me take the kids.

[MrBond]

I can see how she threw you in for a loop, but it wasn't entirely unexpected. We did discuss this earlier.

I agree with SF. You did ask her plain and simple. She's taking every excuse she can to break away from you. Now is the time to start apologizing and standing up to her. When she went on about not inviting her, you should have stopped her and reminded her that you did.

The thing is there is a certain point where you have to have her stop treating you like a doormat. She's going to accuse you of doing the same them that you did in the past, but you know what? It's different. You say it very calmly and matter of factly and don't lose your temper.

Tell her you've given her everything that she has asked for, yet she still makes excuses for what you're doing. It's wrong and she has to start treating you with respect.

She says that she is hurt and is pouting like a teenager. She has to again realize that the feelings are all her own and you've been very polite and courteous to her.

Find a way to anticipate her next move and cut her off from it. You can guess that she's going blame you at your next C session.