Wow. I have never locked a thread before. You'd think that I would have early on, and by now just have one of those sporadic ones going.
Odd that I have not settled into anything by now.
I do think that this thread will be used to gain acceptance of the situation. Though it was said that my XH was moving towards something, I really don't think it is me. My instinct tells me that he was just too scared to tell me that it was over, so he strung me along because it makes his life easiest when we are friendly. Granted, I take responsibility for allowing it to happen, even though there were red flags. I wanted to see the postives. I was really banking on those darn things.
My last post from old thread: OK, I have not contacted him. May not sound like a big deal, but for me it is. I usually back down and start to apologize by now...
I will continue to work on forgiving myself for my role in this, and reminding myself that I have done what I knew to do to get closer to him. It comforts me to know that there is part of him that really wants to be here, but the part that doesn't know how/doesn't want to do the work has won out.
I am thinking that I really blew a chance with him by cutting off contact (keep re-reading BND's post about if I want to lose this man to go pitch black), but I have sat back and allowed myself to get hurt for far too long.
I really don't know any other way to still keep hopes of reconciliation open--- unless I look the other way with his (maybe/maybe not) developing relationship. Now that it is really out there (Perhaps I shouldn't have asked the question?), I can't.
Of course I should have asked the question! I mean, anything I should be building would be upon a friendship first. And, friends shouldn't lie to one another.
Just wishing I wasn't here. 2 weeks ago at this time all was well. I can't believe how they have changed.
Granted, I take responsibility for allowing it to happen, even though there were red flags.
Well of course you would, you take responsibility that isn't yours. : )
No it is a big deal, if it is different. It is actually huge.
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I am thinking that I really blew a chance with him by cutting off contact (keep re-reading BND's post about if I want to lose this man to go pitch black), but I have sat back and allowed myself to get hurt for far too long.
C,
A question for you.
You wanted advice, BND and I said similar things...
I'm just curious why you picked no contact?
For the record BTW you had no contact before and he came back around...so I don't think you have blown anything.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Secondly, I don't think you guys know how to communicate with each other. It seems to me that because you don't trust him you immediately think the worst.
So, when he says something innocent, you instantly jump into defense mode and jump down his throat.
He knows your pattern of behavior and is also defensive.
Time to change the dance.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
First off, thank you again. You are keeping me grounded.
Yes, it is a fact we have a huge problem with communication, and you have summed it up very accurately. Short of counseling, I don't know how to fix it! I try, I really do. Believe it or not, I have gotten lots better. But yes, the trust thing is a huge problem for me, and yes, I assume the worst. And, he doesn't answer, yea,neigh,or otherwise, so I then assume that the words I have supplied are the right ones.
OK, so my last text to him was: As long as you are in a relationship I cannot be your friend.
So...let's say that was a mistake. How do I undo it? Do I wait to hear from him? This is such a basic question...I feel dumb for asking it. But, I continually mess things up, so I feel it is best to now ask first.
Why did I go dark? I was hurt. Really, really hurt. I felt as if he was asking me to do for him (be there as a friend) while he did whatever he wanted to do. I hope that I would feel differently if things were not the way they have been (him leading me to belive that he was working on opening up to me and communicating better). It killed me to learn that he was still lying.
Granted, I take responsibility for allowing it to happen, even though there were red flags.
Well of course you would, you take responsibility that isn't yours. : )
OK, this was really funny. True, but funny all the same.
And now this is where I really show my uh, stupidity for lack of a better word... (I hear my son in my head saying "Noob") ("Newbie" for those who are not gamers or do not have teenagers)
How in the world do I keep those boundaries and still have some kind of contact now? I mean, i do believe I screwed myself out of it. Which, I don't know is such a bad thing, since if nothing else this is a big 180 for me. I have never been able to stand silence (duh, obviously), so I would have backtracked by now. Or put out some kind of olive branch. Then things would resume to "normal" and we would go back to ignoring the big elephant in the room.
OK, I am wondering... Did I really overthink this that much? Fact- he admitted to a "date" on Saturday (yet still said we'd do something when he got back from his trip). Fact- he said he got a ride to the airport. Since he offered no name, I assumed it was from the same person, which immediately made me think that the date was more than a date...it was more of a relationship. Believe me, my crazymaking mind had her sleeping over and staying all day until she had to drive him to the airport at about 3 or so. Still odd to me that he texted me (according to the time the text came in) pretty much right after he got checked in.
I don't really think I made too much of this. Yeah, I supplied some details...but, even in its most innocent form this is NOT GOOD.
I guess I just wait and see what he does? Or doesn't do?
OK, so my last text to him was: As long as you are in a relationship I cannot be your friend.
THAT was a boundary.
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How in the world do I keep those boundaries and still have some kind of contact now? I mean, i do believe I screwed myself out of it.
You cannot have contact now if he is in another relationship, not any friendship contact. Which leaves business, bi tch, or booty-call contact.
You laid down the boundary, if you go back on it, you are a doormat, and he can walk all over you anytime you say you want or need something from him in the future. If you establish another boundary he knows it means nothing.
Screwed yourself out of it? Nah...you stood up for yourself, boundaries are about getting your self esteem back, you remember what self esteem looks like right? : )
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I guess I just wait and see what he does? Or doesn't do?
Kinnda. Right now since you haven't heard back form him you have your answer. Live that way, now if poo-poo head calls and says I want to be friends, you verify that he understood your boundary and move forward from there as friends. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hello. Are we going to split for the phone for (son)?
It is son's b-day this weekend. He wants a new cell phone, one that costs more than what we would normally spend on a b-day. It is definately not something that just one of us would give him (while the other bought other gifts).
Distance for me does not include joint gifts. I am tired of portraying this happy family that we are not.
My instinct is to just tell him that we can each give son half of the money in our own cards so that he can buy the phone himself.
BUT, since my instincts, much like those of George Costanza's, are usually wrong...my plan is now to run things through here before I act. It seems that sometimes I seem really bitchy when it is not my intent. And, I tend to overexplain in my answers.
SO? Any input? It is a mundane thing, but I have learned my lesson to think before acting.
