WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

Anyone?

[MrBond]

I'm sorry that this all happened today.

I had a feeling something like this might happen and that she would take the time away from you to look for another place.

At least you gave her the card which will let her think over things. It always amazes me how our W's can say that they can't think about "what they want" now only what they don't. Typical MLC talk where all they do is care about themselves and to heck with everyone else who gets dragged along with them.

From here on out, you might want keep things just strictly business and try being as detached as possible. If she says she wants to talk, you can ask her if anything's changed. Then if she says no, then you can say there's nothing more to talk about.

She's talking to you to make her feel better about leaving you. To clear her conscience. Don't think for a minute that she's serious about you right now. She's still only thinking about herself and her needs, and finds it easier to continue to blame you and your marriage for not allowing her to do what she wants to do. Which, of course, she has no idea what that is.

Honestly, I don't know what the point of her going to counseling with you is. Again, I believe she said that just to appease you. She's not serious about getting anything out of it and hasn't from day one. All of the stuff you discussed with the C, she's dismissed, but you haven't. So while you're learning and growing, she isn't. Tell her that if she feels she needs to see a C, then she should see her own, but you are looking at continuing to make yourself a better person even though she isn't.

[Coach]

I said I didn't want to repeat myself (something she's been complaining about) as I think I said everything I wanted to say. I did wind up giving her the card. She cried a little. It was hard but I didn't try to comfort her. She could tell I was sad as well

Don't tell her "I don't want to repeat myself." It appears you are trying too hard to show her that you are following her wishes instead of just doing it because it's more productive. Say nothing (mysterious) or say I'm fine right now and mean it. Be confident.

Before she left I told her that I do love her and believe in the marriage but know that's not how she feels right now.

Really you know how she feels? You basically just told her that she is stomping all over your beliefs. You are making R talk and it's unproductive so stop doing it. I would bet most women (your W included) that get married believe in marriage. Try to imagine how much hurt, frustration and confusion you have caused to her for her to reach this point.

I told her I finally understood a marriage is about loving each other enough to help/let them achieve what they want in life, even if its not what I want. I told her I would love to be on that path with her once she decides what she wants in life, if she wanted me to

But I feel that the best thing I can do to show her I love her is to not stop her froming doing what she wants, even though its not what I want

In a healthy M if you truly love and truly give then what she wants is what you want. You want your beloved to be happy and you want to support them in their journey. Stop telling her that what she is doing is not what you want. You are repeating yourself. You just said you know what marriage is all about but you wont be on that path until....... she tells you what she wants. If you haven't figured this out women are totally comfortable changing their minds in a second and expect you to OK with it. Be on the path anyway. Aren't you married? Man up and lead.

I was sad but didn't break down nor comforted her.

Your W is crying in front of you. You won't get a cookie from me for not breaking down. Could you not have at least put your hand on her shoulder and shown a little compassion. Said "I understand." Nothing else just let her know you understand she is hurt. You want to grab her when it is good for you but when she is hurting you act stoic.

I did feel sad for how confused she is.

So think about it. What is causing all the confusion and what are you doing about it?

I do truly love her

Then show her thru your actions.
Less talk and more work.

[MrBond]

Coach,

all of your suggestions, CIPA has done throughout the sitch and it has changed nothing. So it's good that he's trying something different. If he had comforted her, she would have taken it as encouragement that she's doing the right thing. It's been her pattern.

And his saying that he "knows how she feels" is pretty spot on because she's been saying over and over again "this is how I feel". She's been pretty open in terms of what's on her mind, moreso than any of our spouses.

He's tried alot of things that have produced positive results and some negative. But in the end, it comes down to her.

[spellfire]

You are handling this very well man. Huge difference from when you first arrived here. I know you are not seeing results, but believe me, there is a lot going on inside your W right now.

She is responding well to your boundaries. Be kind but firm in your resolve to stay in the family home with the kids. This whole thing is going to do enough damage to your kids without turning their whole world upside down at the same time.

[confusedinpa]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts/encouragement. I did call her to let her know we made it to CT (she had asked). Very short call with very little conversation. She asked about traffic and I asked how her work went. Not much emotion

Big question will be what's the next move? If she's still there or not on Sun, I'm going to continue to be positive and upbeat. Acting as if everything is ok with the relationship if she's there.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I really don't want to do anything that will make her question the changes I have made. Just not sure if that's the best.

[MrBond]

I doubt if she's not going to be there on Sunday. She's not moving out that quickly. I think both of you are just emotionally drained from today. Enjoy the weekend and try not thinking about her. You are there for the kids.

Also don't worry about her questioning the changes you've made. All this time she has stated that she doesn't believe in them, so it doesn't matter what you do one way or the other.

I think you've been very consistent in how you've been acting and so it still is up to her to decide what to do.

Probably when you get back, you should be polite to her and play it by ear. See if she calls you over the weekend and go from there.

My prayers are with you buddy.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks for all the support

I do feel really good being in CT with my boys and the two closest friends I have and their kids. My boys are having a blast with their kids. Its good to be talking about something other than my situation

We did talk about my situation after all the kids went to bed. It was good to have people to talk to that really knew me and was there to support me (very similar to what I get on this forum but in person it is different)

It is late so I'm goimg to bed. Its been a tough day but I still feel it was a good one

[working on me]

Hay, I am so glad to here that you and the boys are out doing something fun together. All three of you need it!

I hear what your saying about talking to friends that love and support you right now, it means a lot.

Like you, having found this site has meant the world to me as well. In fact, I don't know how I could function without it right now.

Like you had said in a post to me, our stuations are similar. Especially the ages of your family members and mine. Kinda weird, lol.

You had suggested that I read your posts and I have religiously, I just don't say anything because I feel so..... well sh*%$y most of the time. I do have some good moments, but mostly not.

Having read your posts helps me to look at how I handle myself when dealing with the wife.

Like you, there is nothing in the world I want more than to reconcile/re-invent my marriage. To keep my family intact, healthy, happy, and loving. It's so hard to not express this overwhelming feeling to our wives right now. I feel like there is such a huge opportunity to make a difference in the lives of my family and I know you do to.

I know in my heart that the best thing you and I can do right now is to be the best man and father we can and to listen to the sound advice we are given here.

By the way I have also been married about 9.5 yrs., weird! LOL!

[confusedinpa]

I retrospec it was a mistake as it probably had a more enabling behavior than the "soft" response that I was hoping for

The kids were playing in the woods so I sent a pic to the wife. She responded with "How r u guys" I responded with "Very good trip"

She sent funny pic back and I just joked back

I want her to miss me and the boys this weekend. Not sure if what I did with the pics helped that or not

We shall see. Its a good trip so far