WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[MrBond]

Well have fun. One word of caution though. While you're gone she is probably going to come up with a plan on how to leave, find a place, etc. Not to be an alarmist, but that's been her pattern so far.

Just be prepared if that happens. It's not the big bomb that wears you down, it's alot of the little ones.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck,

I know that's always a risk. Personally I feel that she won't leave without the kids. That's why I think she's pressing to get an agreement. She had found an apartment back when she dropped the bomb on Jan 9th (I found the apartment brochore).

I was prepared to give the speech but thought it would work best if she started a relationship talk. Maybe I should have just done it. There is always tomorrow morning. Or I could just leave the card for her (but that seems even more cowardly). I think I will at least drop the line that she uses this time to think of what she wants.

I think this weekend will be pivotal. I'm hoping that like the last 2 times I was gone for several hours she said she was worried about me and seemed relieved I got home

I appreciate your support. I hope I didn't let you down by not going with my original plan tonite

[MrBond]

Of course you didn't let me down. You know your sitch better than I do, I just give advice as I see it. Just remember the Boy Scout's motto: be prepared.

One comment though: "I think I will at least drop the line that she uses this time to think of what she wants. "

Instead of just "what she wants" clarify it to say "what she wants IN LIFE". Don't have her thinking R. Ask her to think about what is it in life she wants. What are her goals? her dreams? what she wants to accomplish. The R is just a circumstance.

[confusedinpa]

Well, I talked her this morning. I didn't give her card but said what was in there (no separation line though)

She asked if I wanted her to cancel the real estate agent appt. I repeated about having the kids stay in the house as long as possible for stability

Then she asked is it ok for her to go find an apartment. I told her that she is free to do what she wants and I'm not going stop her

I did ask her to find some time while we're away to think about what she wants for life. She says that doesn't have anything to do about it. She's taking it 1 day at a time and just wants a divorce.

I stumbled with that response but said I just felt it was important. Any suggestions on this one?

She did say she may want to talk during lunch before I left with the boys

[confusedinpa]

I'm giving you your orange belt early, since she tested you and you didn't crumble. To earn purple, you are going to have to come to terms with the process she is pushing. You need to do this so that you can handle it cleanly with her. That means that when she makes time to discuss it, you don't freak out and backslide.

It is going to be tough, but your job is work on not taking it personally.

Well it sounds like I'm going to get a crack at my purple belt pretty soon.

My current read on my situation is that after our little discussion this morning, she's going to try to see if the apartment that she had found in Jan is still available (it most likely is as there are a ton of apartment complexes around with rentals available). If she does and sets a move out date, I know I can't force her to stay.

I've tried to give her reasons to stay by showing her I've changed. That's the best that I can do and I have come to that realization

The boys and I are leaving at 1 PM today to head up to see my friends in CT. It will be a good time.

She was totally emotionless during our discussion this morning. I've come to expect this. I guess it's her way of being strong. I got a little emotional when I got to talking about the kids. I'm frustrated with myself that I still haven't gotten that under control as I think it gives her some satisfaction when she sees me sad. If that's true, then I know she is not someone who I want in my life.

I know I looked a little weak at the end of my conversation as I told her that I didn't want to have this discussion when we were pressed for time in the morning and then just leave for a couple of days. I told her that if she wanted to talk, we could meet for lunch or she could just call me.

I'm very concerned of how she said that she didn't think knowing what she wanted to do in life was important and that she was just taking it one day at a time and right now she just wants a divorce. When she said that I told her that I felt it was important and it was something that I would like to know (bad move, as immediately after I said it, it sounded controlling and it was something that she would do for me).

If we do talk, I'll have to twist it around of how it's something I feel she should do for her to know what she wants in life or something like that.

Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

I was detached enough that if she stayed I'd be fine, if she left I'd be fine. It was HER journey not mine. I told her I would love to be a part of her journey and where I wanted to help her achieve her dreams and desires. But she would need to want it. Then it came down to what she wanted. I kept asking her, but she had no answer because your typical MLC person has no idea what they want.

I think I found what I should have said. She's suppose to call me in a few minutes to talk

[confusedinpa]

Well she called and we had a pretty long chat on the phone - about 30 minutes.

She told me that she likes the idea of me staying in the house to provide some stability for the kids. Then she did say that she wants to be true to her feelings and her feelings don't allow her to be comfortable staying in the marriage and house.

I then told her that I loved her very much and want her to stay but I know I'd be fine taking care of the house and kids if she left. I then pressed that I do want to be able to help her achieve her what she wants in life. She said she wants to be true to her feelings which are "saying" that she doesn't want to be in a marriage relationship with me. I told her that's not saying what she wants in life, just what she doesn't want, there is a big difference. I kept asking her but she had no idea.

I did wind up appologizing for being so touchy when she climbed into bed the other nite. I said I thought I had appologized but wasn't sure. She said I did so I dropped it at that.

I told her that I've also been trying to figure out what I want in life. In the past I had said that I wanted to be happy and she made me feel happy. I've realized now that's not true. She didn't make me feel happy. Only I can decide to feel happy. She had made me feel loved.

Right now I'm trying to decide what will make me happy. I didn't know that answer yet either. What I do know is that my kids will always make me feel loved so I will be good there.

I then shared with her that I now understand that a marriage means helping each of us achieve what we want in life. Since I didn't know what that was and I never understood what she wanted in life either. That has been one of our issues but I'm trying to figure out what I want and thought it would be good if she could spend some time to figure out what she wants in life.

She then pressed about custody and I just said we both agree we want what's best for the kids, but I do not know what that means either. I think it's important both parents are involved in their lives. I said I don't want that to be the only thing that is keeping her in the house.

She said that if she went and got an apartment she doesn't want me to hold that against her legall. I told her that if that's what she wanted to do, I wanted her to feel free that she could do that. I was not going to hold her back. What I did feel was important was that whatever she decided, we should continue to go to counseling together. She said that she would.

Then she talked about being friends after a divorce and that's when I told her that if we do get divorced, I told her that I would be civil and cordial, but I could not see being friends with the woman I love know I can't show her that I love her.

She said she had to go to another meeting but said that if I wanted to meet for lunch to talk, she would. I pushed it back on her to tell me what she wanted. If she wanted to meet for lunch to talk, I would love to, but would be fine if she didn't want to as we could always talk on Sunday. She sounded sad (like she was tearing up) and said she wanted to. I told her it would have to be an early lunch as I need to pick up our oldest son from school at 12:30 so we can leave for our trip.

Not sure if meeting for lunch is a good thing - may be good to let her be over the weekend feeling down. I need to pay attention to any "enabling" behavior that could strengthen her.

Any comments/suggestions/encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

[theroadback]

I dont why or what but something is telling me she is not going to do it....she may go the bitter end but I just cant see her going through with it. My god leave her kids...because she was hurt...with no thought to the future.
She is confussed, how can someone let feelings run them, control them. Just imagine what the world would be like if people let feeling control them....we would be no better than animals.

[Dudess]

I'm very concerned of how she said that she didn't think knowing what she wanted to do in life was important and that she was just taking it one day at a time and right now she just wants a divorce. When she said that I told her that I felt it was important and it was something that I would like to know (bad move, as immediately after I said it, it sounded controlling and it was something that she would do for me).

Yep.

If we do talk, I'll have to twist it around of how it's something I feel she should do for her to know what she wants in life or something like that.

Any thoughts?

You think it's important for her but she doesn't agree and it's her life so drop it.

[confusedinpa]

We met for lunch. I made some small talk. She wound up getting a nose bleed. I tried to help/comfort her a little. She asked if there was anything else I wanted to say

I said I didn't want to repeat myself (something she's been complaining about) as I think I said everything I wanted to say. I did wind up giving her the card. She cried a little. It was hard but I didn't try to comfort her. She could tell I was sad as well

Before she left I told her that I do love her and believe in the marriage but know that's not how she feels right now. I said I believe it can work, not the way it was but how it can be. I believe in my changes and will make them habits

She said right now she doesn't love me like a wife should do so she can't seeing staying married

I told her I finally understood a marriage is about loving each other enough to help/let them achieve what they want in life, even if its not what I want. I told her I would love to be on that path with her once she decides what she wants in life, if she wanted me to

But I feel that the best thing I can do to show her I love her is to not stop her froming doing what she wants, even though its not what I want

She thanked me and left crying

I was sad but didn't break down nor comforted her. I did feel sad for how confused she is. I do truly love her