WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

Yeah, if you are going to apologize, just do it one time. Apologize for crossing a line she has set, but not for being human and having human urges.

Spellfire,

That's what I think I did last nite when she said something about how she's had to move my hand 6 times. She even asked how much did I have to drink. I'm pretty sure I appologized for crossing her boundaries - not quite sure since I did have a lot to drink and it was a little after 4AM.

I guess I'll play it by ear and see if she says something.

She did wind up calling me today about a gadget that I had been talking about. She said she found a site where it was a really good price so she wanted to know if I wanted her to order it. I told her that I will take a look at it tonite and did thank her for thinking about me.

I'm struggling a little today as I did have a lot to drink so the meetings I've had to sit through today have been pretty rough. Oh well, the price we pay at times.....

[MrBond]

"I don't think she pressing to go as fast as possible, but she's not stalling either. She seems to be trying to let it skate through "under the rader". My therapist thinks she's trying to move it along without getting me angry."

I disagree to a point. I think she's doing it slowly so that she can strengthen her resolve at each point. The reason is because things could be seemingly going great between you two, but then she drops another mini bomb on you.

"I'm tempted to wait till I come back as I'm not sure how it will play out if I drop the bomb on her and then leave with the boys for the weekend. Not sure if being concerned about that really makes sense though."

You can tell her that you think a physical separation would do you both good since that is what she wants and that she can take the weekend to think about what she wants to do. She doesn't necessarily have to be gone by the weekend. The key is to make her think on things. Maybe with you and the kids gone, she'll start to feel the loneliness. That plus the added threat of her leaving because you asked her to will have her looking deeply into what she wants.

"I still believe in the marriage and that it can work. I do love you and feel that if you want to leave, you should leave."

Take out the last sentence and change it to something like "I love you very much, however I cannot make you love me. I love you enough that if you wish to be free, then you can go. I am not holding you back.

"I feel what's best for the kids is to provide as much stability as possible and that means keeping them in the family home. I know that I will be able to take care of them and the house."

Maybe change to: "While you go on your own personal journey to find out what you want, the kids need as much stability as possible and that means keeping them in the family home. I know that I will be able to take care of them and the house."

Then leave it up to her. I don't know...just my .02.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck808,

Thanks for the feedback. I like how you work in the reminder that I'm giving her time alone this weekend to think about what she wants.

I think I'll take this flow for the conversation her:

"A physical separation is something that you want and I feel it would do us both good. With me and the boys away this weekend, you can think about what you want to do.

I still believe in the marriage and that it can work. I love you very much, but I know I cannot make you love me. I love you enough that if you want to be free, then you can go. I'm not going to hold you back.

While you're figuring out what you want, I feel the kids will need as much stability as possible and that means keeping them in the family home. I know that I will be able to take care of them and the house."

I suspect that she will react that I'm being selfish and mean. She has said in the past when I floated out the idea that she leave and I keep the kids that she wasn't trying to take anything away from me.

My plan to ju-jitsu around that one is to say:

"You said you wanted to get away from the house as well as do what's best for the kids. I feel this will help do both of these things."

Any thoughts/suggestions on that?

[MrBond]

That sounds good. If she accuses you of being mean, just gently remind her that that is what she has repeatedly told you that she wants. Her own space.

When she said that, she didn't say "the kids and I want a divorce" just her. So you're giving her what she wants right? End it right there. Then let her stew/contemplate on all that while you're gone. I think maybe writing it down for her would be good too so that she can constantly go over it while you're away.

Her idea that she's not taking away from you is self-delusional. It's obvious she's taking away your family, your home and your kids half of their lives. Toss that back at her and see if she can still say that she's not taking anything away from you.

Remember, just say all of these things very business-like without much emotion. Imagine her like one of your kids who is pouting about not getting what he wants. You don't raise your voice, just state things matter of factly and honestly.

As much as she can try to argue with her, if you don't argue back, she'll calm down. At this point, she'll probably start hitting below the belt by talking about her past hurts, etc. So again, stop her and remind her how you had discussed that with her and that it was the past. Remind her that you had already apologized for your part, but since she can't accept that, you are giving her what she asked for.

See it just goes back to her. Deflect from you and back to her.

Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee my friend.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks Stuck,

I like the idea of writing it down for her. Perhaps I should just write it down in a note and give her the note tonite, rather than trying to say it.

I could start by saying:

You know I'm a man of few words. There is something really important that I want to say, but wanted to be sure that I could communicate it clearly so I took the time to write a note.

Then I would hand her a hand written note with the following:

I still believe in the marriage and that it can work. I love you very much, but I know I cannot make you love me. I love you enough that if you want to be free, then you can go. I'm not going to hold you back.

A physical separation is something that you want and I feel it would do us both good. With me and the boys away this weekend, you can think about what you want to do.

While you're figuring out what you want, I feel the kids will need as much stability as possible and that means keeping them in the family home. I know that I will be able to take care of them and the house.

What do you think of that approach?

[MrBond]

I like it short and sweet. However it's only a suggestion, so take it for what it's worth.

I was just recommending this because it seemed like your W was slipping away and you needed to take back possession of the ball.

Just remember to stay compassionate whatever you decide to do. It's as hard a decision on her as it is for you. It's just that she's got a headstart.

[confusedinpa]

Well I found a card to write it in

I dropped the "A physical separation" sentence as I felt the preceding of "then you can go" said the same thing

Maybe I just wimped out but wanted to soften it somewhat. I think it still makes the message of letting her go and the kids are going to stay in our house

Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

Well I found a card to write it in

I dropped the "A physical separation" sentence as I felt the preceding of "then you can go" said the same thing

Maybe I just wimped out but wanted to soften it somewhat. I think it still makes the message of letting her go and the kids are going to stay in our house

Any thoughts?

[MrBond]

That sounds good. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.

She's still being nice to you, so if you decide to do this, stand tough.

Good luck.

[confusedinpa]

Well, maybe you can say I wimped out or what but I didn't do it. I thought for sure she would bring up some relationship type of talk as I was getting cues from her that she didn't want any physical contact. Then she went to bed at 9:15. She had called me on the way home and we chatted a bit about non-relationship things. She vented just a little about work.

She seemed a little down when she got home. I didn't press her to find out - figure if she wanted to talk about it she would. I tried to stay upbeat and positive during dinner but I was still dragging a little from last nite.

She did mention how Friday is a busy day for her but made a comment about how at least she doesn't have to worry if she has to stay late at work (I'm leaving with the boys in the afternoon)

I hope she does take the time to really think about what is really happening.

My boys are excited about the trip tomorrow and so am I. It will be a nice break from dealing with my situation for a couple of days