WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[MrBond]

Well I think you deserve to have a little fun. After all you have the right to do whatever. You are an adult. Not a saint.

I know that DBing can weigh you down and sometimes we just need to be uplifted every now and then. Just as long as it doesn't become a habit. Did she reschedule with her friend to go out?

[confusedinpa]

No she didn't

Odd part about tonite was she woke me up about 4:30 (she came in from the spare bedroom) and climbed into our bed for the first time in 2 weeks

She said she had a bad dream

I know I was too touchy (she said something) but I did come from a strip joint. We did talk casually for a bit while we hugged for a while. One of the things she said was she didn't know if I came home

Then she had to go to the bathroom and said she was going back to the spare bedroom. I asked for another hug befpre she left. She clumbed on top of me and we hugged for a couple of minutes

Oh well, whatever

[MrBond]

That's exactly why a physical separation would work well. On nights like this where she had a bad dream, she's going to realize that you are no longer there.

Make her miss you. That's what this is all about. Show her that all her pretense of being nice to you really isn't that at all. It's the fact that she still wants you. But you have to make her feel that loss.

I still suggest doing it before she moves out herself on her own terms.

[confusedinpa]

How come she just does not file her own custody agreement with her attorney, (she does need your ok or even need you to agree) Her attorney would then present it to your attorney and if you did not agree to it then a court date would be set.

Has she been looking for an apartment? Really going out and looking for one?

Do you really feel she is pushing this process along as fast as she possibly can or do you sense a bit of stalling?

The thing about the custody agreement is that she doesn't want to have to go to court. She thinks we should be able to work something out between us rather than let a judge decide. I do agree as who better to know what's best for our kids than the parents.

She said she had actually found an apartment that she was ready to move into when she told me on Jan 9th. She didn't sign the lease, but she had it prepared in case I got angry and violent (which I have never done in the 11+ years that I've known her).

I don't think she pressing to go as fast as possible, but she's not stalling either. She seems to be trying to let it skate through "under the rader". My therapist thinks she's trying to move it along without getting me angry.

[theroadback]

It was a real gut shot this past weekend when my wife said that the mariage/relationship would work as she will not work on it

That is exactly what she meant it to be

[confusedinpa]

I see some real progress, but you had done a little backsliding lately by monitoring her too much and initiating too much physically.

I don't know if it's LRT time, but I do think it is boundary time.

This would be my #1 boundary:

She is the one breaking up the family, therefore she must move out. If she wants custody of the kids, it's up to her to arrange it legally. If that's what you consider best for the kids, even more reason to fight for it.

Unless, YOU don't want to keep the kids in the family home, that's a different story.

I recommend this to all LBS people here: The WAS is the one breaking up the family, therefore they must be the one to go. Who and what gives them the right to kick the LBS out? Boundaries and consequences!

Sorry I couldn't check in sooner man, had my eyes on the financial markets lately instead of here.

Spellfire,

Thanks for checking in - hopefully the financial markets treated you well.

I know I've been initiating too much physical contact - particularly when she climbed into bed with me last nite. I appologized last nite when she said something. I know it was wrong, but I did just get back from a strip club and had a lot to drink. I didn't tell her that - she knew I had a lot to drink. I almost appologized again this morning, but realized that I did it once already so that is enough. Perhaps I should say something, but really feel I appologized already so it would just be another sign of "weakness".

I would love to keep my kids in the family home. That is actually my second best solution to this situation. First being staying married.

I'm torn when to give her "boundary" speech. I could do it tonite (won't see her tomorrow as I'm leaving with the boys tomorrow afternoon). I guess I'll play it by ear and see how it goes tonite.

[confusedinpa]

It was a real gut shot this past weekend when my wife said that the mariage/relationship would work as she will not work on it

That is exactly what she meant it to be

Just realized I made a critical typo. It should have read:

It was a real gut shot this past weekend when my wife said that the mariage/relationship would NEVER work as she will not work on it

[confusedinpa]

It was an odd morning. She seemed to be a little softer - she actually came over to me for a hug and kiss on the check. She was also very chatty and even when I went downstairs, she kept coming to the balcony that overlooks our family room to talk.

It still bothers me that I was so touchy last nite. I'm worried that she is going to be reluctant to come over for comfort again since she said that when I'm sexually touching, it makes her feel uncomfortable/awkward. I know I made a mistake and appologized. I want to bring it up again, but I guess the best thing I can do is just don't do it again and unless I get the right cues - if they every come.

I am looking forward to this weekend with my boys and my buddies up in CT. Should be a good time.

[confusedinpa]

Is there any reason why you want to wait until your C session to tell her? Sounds like to me the sooner the better. I think if you give her the weekend to herself, she's going to be able to continue to harden her resolve to move on.

Stuck808,

I'm tempted to wait till I come back as I'm not sure how it will play out if I drop the bomb on her and then leave with the boys for the weekend. Not sure if being concerned about that really makes sense though.

Anyone have any thoughts on that?

When I do it, I was planning on saying something like this:

You have said that you want to leave the marriage and you don't want to stay in the house. We both agree that we want what's best for kids. I still believe in the marriage and that it can work. I do love you and feel that if you want to leave, you should leave. I feel what's best for the kids is to provide as much stability as possible and that means keeping them in the family home. I know that I will be able to take care of them and the house.

Any thoughts/feedback?

[spellfire]

I know I've been initiating too much physical contact - particularly when she climbed into bed with me last nite. I appologized last nite when she said something. I know it was wrong, but I did just get back from a strip club and had a lot to drink. I didn't tell her that - she knew I had a lot to drink. I almost appologized again this morning, but realized that I did it once already so that is enough. Perhaps I should say something, but really feel I appologized already so it would just be another sign of "weakness".

Yeah, if you are going to apologize, just do it one time. Apologize for crossing a line she has set, but not for being human and having human urges.