My H and I are both military, were in a long distance R, and got married this past summer. Right before he deployed to Iraq in December he filed for D - stating our M won't work out for him. Why??? I am still trying to figure it out :-) I am currently waiting to be served D papers. I will also deploy this summer to Afghanistan for at least 12 months. So the dilemma is do I hire a L and drag out the D until I get back from deployment or just let things happen...
I have all my faith, hope, and trust in God and surrender our M to him a few months ago. I will continue standing for our M and let God do his thing.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
Our communication has increased a lot recently and we're both very friendly. But we haven't talked about our R at all.
Yesterday was interesting....
My H called me in the morning - we small talked and briefly talked about our R. I reinforced I believe in our M and will continue to stand for it. When I told him that I did not plan to date anyone else regardless how our situation ends up, he told me he would not do the same thing. However we got cut off. But he called back later that morning while I was on the way to ski with a friend and then later last night. Both times I was with my male friend, kept the conversation short, and agreed to call later.
H is supposed to call me again this morning... It is challenging to talk about our R. I know where I stand and what I plan to do - but it's difficult trying to make my H understand. He would much rather me just sign the darn D papers and be done!
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
We small talked and laughed for close to an hour - and then the R came up. He obviously has been done with our M for a long time now (few months) and seemed emotionally closed down. He dismissed his faith today and says he doesn't believe it anymore. I feel like he is so far away from his faith that he is living in complete sin & darkness. It makes me very sad.
He always asks me why I would want to continue on with him and our M - and I always say - it's simple - I love you. He doesn't get the concept of true love means being there for the other person through everything. And he doesn't want that b/c it means dealing with bad stuff sometimes. He says he feels like I am forcing my love on him and he doesn't want to receive it. I validated what he said and told him he has the choice to accept or deny it and I understand that.
H is just so funny. Part of him wants true love and a lifetime companion and part of him pushes it away and says he doesn't need anyone. It's an eternal struggle for him. It's amazing to see his defenses go up & become so distant & hardened. His defenses were up for most of our R talk and showed little emotion. Sigh........
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
I was full of tears yesterday and didn't get much sleep. I think my mind is processing our discussion yesterday.
I really was very sad & upset that my H appears to be dead in sin and so far away from God. It is heavy on my heart. It's hard loving someone so much and not being able to do anything for them. I will continue to pray for his salvation.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
A long distance marriage is always difficult, but trying to fix a marriage while so far apart is also difficult. I haven't read any of your past threads so my questions may seem silly: 1. Seemed like you were married such a short time, how long did you know each other before you got married? Did you try any counseling before he left? 2. Do you think the orders to Iraq made a difference? (divorce papers right before he left)
Have to run now, but hope others will give you some good advice.
FitChik -- I can't speak to H's salvation or to your need for him to be close to your god. I have no god. But I CAN speak to his behavior upon deployment.
I did OEF/OIF from Feb 03 to May 04. Your story is common one, I'm afraid (at least 6 Joes under my command did the same thing).
Don't know your sitch re: military service yrself, but I can tell you this -- life in Iraq is life in a parallel dimension.
Even now, I assume, with the violence well down. It's not a "normal" deployment. You live in a weird kind of suspended animation. The World doesn't exist. It's all about the 50-meter target.
Some of my Joes filed for D because they didn't want / feared their spouses spending all their money (ALSO not uncommon, I'm afraid). Others filed because they had to go thru this kind of "I'm already dead" thing just to cope with what was to come.
I don't know if you can DB from 8,000 miles away. But you can try. Don't get into R talks on e-mail -- you don't read e-mail the same way over there (trust me on this one -- you should see some of my W's e-mails when I was there). And the Joes don't want to get "how terrible it is at home" letters -- that's so common, even "Doonesbury" had a series of strips on it.
Don't have R talks on the phone -- redirect -- because as soon as he signs off he's going to pull out a smoke and bitch to his buddies, who are all going to enable him.
Keep it light. Keep it generic. Fill him in on his favorite team. Ask some of his fishing or hunting buddies how it's going. Give him things to look forward to back in the World that are "his" -- "hey, Chuck says he's restoring an old Chevelle and wants you to help him when you demob." That sort of thing.
In other words, you have to keep the M alive by acting AS IF you understand that it's dead. As long as he doesn't feel under pressure to keep the process moving, you'll live to fight another day.
We knew each other for over a year. We did not try counseling. He dropped the bomb and deployed shortly there after. I am in individual marriage counseling now and have asked him to talk with my counseling - but am not pressuring him. He brought it up on his own yesterday and again asked why it would help.
I think the deployment did make him file before he normally might have. It seemed like an easy out. And then he wouldn't have to deal with anything when he got back.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
I think Dr. H is dead on in his post. I have seen this in my sitch, also. As long as I stay away from difficult subjects, DH is like a different person. And I do not have the added complication of my DH being in the middle of a war zone--just drifting on the outskirts of one. We have not discussed our R once while he has been gone. DH has tried to steer it that way, but I steer it back to the kids. I had a rough day yesterday, too, but it seemed like every bible study I turned on dealt with the covenant vows of marriage. IF that was not motivation enough to keep my chin up, I don't know what else would be.
How is the fast going? Mine was not so good, but I recommitted to it this morning. I read something in Isaiah this morning that I wanted to share with you. Take a few minutes to read Isaiah 58. All of it is pertinent for us, but especially verses 6-12.
I will be praying for you two, as well.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
We knew each other for over a year. We did not try counseling. He dropped the bomb and deployed shortly there after. I am in individual marriage counseling now and have asked him to talk with my counselor - but am not pressuring him. He brought it up on his own yesterday and again asked why it would help.
I think the deployment did make him file before he normally might have. It seemed like an easy out. And then he wouldn't have to deal with anything when he got back.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
