WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[theroadback]

Real quick, I just thought of an recent example, My wife found a card from a girl in the mail .

So she goes into full waw mode starts going through the finances. I ask what’s up? She says we cant get a D we owe too much and we cant sell the house.

I say I would like to keep trying, (putting her at the front of the list) I hate to do that to the kids, I would like to keep this family together. However, if a divorce is something you want I am sure we can work it out. ...that was met with silence and no more talk about it. The thing is I am serious and she knows it ...before I would have become scared and upset and started to point out the good, basically start pursuing and she would pour it on.

you can fix this man I know it ...hang in there you were an angel to your wife compared to me.

[spellfire]

Spellfire

I do appreciate your optimism

You mean stuck, but I agree with the comments anyway.

[confusedinpa]

Spellfire

I do appreciate your optimism

You mean stuck, but I agree with the comments anyway.

Opps - sorry about that - I just got used to typing your name!

[confusedinpa]

Just catching up on my journaling for the day. I was in a staff meeting from 7:30 AM to 12:30 PM

As I had mentioned, my wife was in full blown WAW mode this morning. It seemed like she wouldn't even look at me. I did wind up giving her a hug before I left and kissed her on the check.

I had set the boundary, so I asked her to try to let me know when she may be back tonite. She said she would.

Earlier this morning she text me that the thing tonite was canceled. I text her back and tried to be empathetic by saying she must be disappointed as she had really been looking forward to it. I also asked her what happened. She tried to call me back, but since I was in a meeting, I just text her saying I couldn't pick up since I was in a meeting. She then text me that her girl friend was running late so she would have to work late. She did recognize how I rearranged my thing with my buddies though so she could have gone. I empathized again. Then we bounced a few text back and forth just joking around.

Un/fortunately my boss snapped at me to turn off my phone as he said it has buzzed about 30 times.

Maybe it was good thing since it gave me a chance to go "dark" for a little bit.

I also just got off the phone from a recruiter with an interesting opportunity about 2 hours away. It could be a good fresh start for me. Close enough to visit whenever I wanted to, but far enough away for me to get a life. We'll see how it goes.

She did wind up texting me again "I oughta punch you in the nose hopscotch" about 2 hours later - my 3 year old has been saying it non-stop since he saw Nite at the Museum about 2 weeks ago. Unfortunately, he actually punches whoever is nearby in the nose. Doesn't bother me at all as it gives me a chance to practice my Kenpo blocks, but my 7 year old and wife has had ice packs on their noses almost everyday. Pretty funny in my mind.

Which reminds me I should text her back as that was almost an hour ago.

I still don't know what is really going on other than over the weekend she really pressed the custody agreement as she said she really wanted to move out. I'm actually annoyed with my lawyer as I haven't heard from him in a week.

Oh well, whatever.

I'm still having a good day and look forward to seeing my kids tonite (didn't really get to see them last nite as we had gone to counseling). I was planning on taking them out to a resturant that me and boys liked, but with my wife home tonite, I'll still have a good time with them.

I appreciate everyone's optimism of my situation, but really feel that I'm on the divorce train and it is out of my control.

I felt like I monopolized most of the counseling session yesterday and my wife didn't say too much. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. My plan had been to get her to talk more about current positives/changes - trying to break the cycle of rehashing the past hurt/pain. Seems like a good strategy to me, but curious of what other people think

I will continue to work on me for me and the boys. I have my next therapy appointment tomorrow so I'll talk to the therapist some more.

[confusedinpa]

Talk about a back and forth/up and down roller coaster ride

Just got a text from her that said:

"Now she is taking a half day today so she can go out... i'm soooo confused"

She's confused??!?!? You have got to be kidding me..... Anyway, I'm going to wait a bit and just text her back

"Go for it and enjoy! I'll see you when you get home!"

What do you think?

[confusedinpa]

Well I text her back what I planned and she responded right away with a text

"I will let u know for sure as soon as i know"

Guess I'm back in limbo even relative to what she's doing tonite.

I do feel good about my changes and how far I've "evolved". It frustrates me that I'm still on the divorce train, but I know that not my decision.

I know one of her issues in the past had been my "rigid" approach and/or inflexibility to sudden changes in the schedule - especially when it comes something that will be divergent from my "perfect" four member family unit being together. As I had mentioned in counseling last nite, I see now that was an unhealthy paradigm that restricted our freedoms of being/functioning as individuals. Perhaps this is a test, who knows.

I'm going to plan, as my 3 year old likes to call it a boys nite, if she doesnt go out tonite, she'll be welcome to come along. If not, I'm going to make sure our "boys nite" is fun.

[MrBond]

CIPA,

You're continue to do a great job with your sitch. The only suggestion I would have is that you not ask her what time she's going out or when she's coming back for anything.

Give her freedom and space while she's with you and show her that she can have that while still with you. So she doesn't have to give up anything or feel the need to check-in.

Your last counseling session sounded great since she didn't bring up anything really argumentative.

I continue to believe you've got a great shot at this with this new combination of compassion and detachment that you've achieved.

[AnotherNightmare]

CIPA,

Just wanted to check in again. I have read through your last posts and I agree with stuck. You are doing so much better than even 2 weeks ago. This is going to take still a lot of time. Remember, up until two weeks ago, you were the needy, clingy, controlling type of guy, and even though she had noticed a few changes, she was still not attracted to you. Also, you have still a lot of room to improve, so let it settle in.

If I just go by my experience, even 4 weeks after such a life-changing experience as Retrouvaille, the outcome is not clear. We are getting closer to each other, start to build a connection again, but it is still very unstable. So do not expect something like a "Boom! Everything is OK again." That will not happen. You need a lot of patience for this long process. I am very optimistic that you will get your chance.

AN

[confusedinpa]

Spellfire,

Those are good points. Relative to "Even though I wont be able to remain friends with you if you choose to leave,..." Would that cover the separation as well or would it be in the case of a divorce. Seems like it would be hard to DB if she moves out and I tell her I won't remain friends - unless that's part of going dark/last resort technique.

Spellfire (or anyone else who has a thought),

Any clarification on the friends "speech"?

Thanks

[confusedinpa]

CIPA,

You're continue to do a great job with your sitch. The only suggestion I would have is that you not ask her what time she's going out or when she's coming back for anything.

Give her freedom and space while she's with you and show her that she can have that while still with you. So she doesn't have to give up anything or feel the need to check-in.

Stuck,

I appreciate the encouragement

She wound up not going out with her girlfriend tonite. I tried to be sympathetic and supportive as I thought she had really wanted to go. She appologized for flip flopping back and forth

Guess I'll have to wait for another opportunity to test my anxieties!

Thanks for all your support