WAW

[markhaving probs]

Puppy,

Exactly what I told her.

[markhaving probs]

JCJ,

You're so right. Now that I have read what I sent it is pursuing, how stupid of me, but it is so difficult at times to have clarity and try to do the right thing in this situation.

I will definately take your advice and ask for support if I need to send something via text, but in this instance how would you have handled it?

Thank you, Mark

[markhaving probs]

Puppy,

I didn't answer your question properly. Interestingly, I have played golf since I was very young, therefore this was not a pursuit I took up after we were married and before the children were born, but I do not remember her moaning it about it as I recall. After the children were born I must admit I did play 'every' Saturday as usual which in hindsight was wrong. I was never around for any of the photographs that were taken of the children when they were young, xmas fetes and what would be deemed as family things. It is so clear now and I feel bitter as I cannot get those times back, this is why I am trying to spend as much time with them as I can - though my wife thinks there is a reason for this to do with the 'Unreasonable Behaviour' divorce petition. She did start to drops hints "are you playing this weekend"? though I don't know now whether this was to test me, but all she told me was it was so that she could put in her diary so that she knew when I was playing. It is only know that she is making a big deal of it, but again I assume it is so that she can vindicate her reasons for breaking up.

She was happy enough for me to work weekends even though I did not, but as it payed double money and allowed us to spend a two week vacation in a 3 star hotel EVERY year in Switzerland skiing with the children I thought I was doing the right thing, I mean who wants to work weekends anyway. My reasons were always so that I could try and give my family the best I could give them without worrying. I cannot remember whether she expressed concerns about not spending more time at home, but I'm sure I would have remembered. I also trained 2 evenings a week without ever consulting her on whether she ever wanted to come, as these were mid-week it would have been impossible to get a sitter. Puppy, I really think I was living the batchelor lifestyle, with everything done at home for me. I guess maybe it was like having a lodger/another child in the house.

I just wish I could turn the clock back as it is all so clear to me know. I just wish she had told me of her concerns 2 to 3 years ago, as that would have been the wake up call I needed.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I just wish I could turn the clock back as it is all so clear to me know. I just wish she had told me of her concerns 2 to 3 years ago, as that would have been the wake up call I needed.

Well, yeah -- of course. YOU AREN'T A MIND-READER. She had an obligation to sit you down and express her grave concerns (if they were, in fact, that grave.). I suspect they weren't, and this is all just so much re-writing of marital history.

Puppy

[Can it work]

Honestly Mark I think that these concerns of hers haven't really been going on for 2 to 3 years. She's using them as examples now to try and justify what she's doing. At the time it didn't seemed they bothered her did it? If you've been playing golf since you were young and she never asked you to cut down you have no reason to know that she was bothered by it. If you feel now that you missed out on your kids, that's something for you. It doesn't justify what she's saying now. As you said, when you worked weekends it paid for skiing trips to Switzerland every year. I'm sure she enjoyed that plenty?

You mentioned how it looks as though you're going to lose your job soon. Is this something which may have contributed towards her negativity towards you? Is your family's financial security going to be at risk? Sorry if these are very personal questions but money worries are often a huge contributor towards marital stress.

In answer to your question about the DB coach, I think it would indeed help you. Even if there's no hope for your situation, the coaches can still able to help you learn to cope with that reality. For what it's worth though, I don't think your marriage has gone past the point of all hope. I thought that about my marriage break up too but am beginning to see very small changes in my wife which are encouraging. I've been at this for about 6 months now and it's only in the last few days that I'm starting to see even slight improvements. As I'm sure you know, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to stay patient. Don't fuel your wife's anger. If she's shaping for an argument, walk away. Rise above it. Above all, try not to let the hurtful things she says to you affect you too much. I know that's a tall order but it can be done. Just know that she doesn't necessarily mean these things - she's just saying them to get a reaction.

Don't rush in to the divorce because it looks like it's the easier option right now. It won't be easy on anyone. Especially your kids.

Kev

[saffie]

Mark,

I have read your thread and I realise that things are moving at some pace for you. However, I think you are a bit hopeful that the changes you have put in place from Dec 08 are going to have already made changes in your W's thought process. It took a while for your M to get into this state and so it will take a while to sort....if you can sort it at all.

Yeah, that 'unreasonable behaviour' categorisation is a pain I feel for you on that one. It covers such a multitude of sins.

Just out of interest, why did your W lose all that weight?

[markhaving probs]

Kev,

I cannot thank you enough for the hope of rescuing what looks bad at the moment. I must try and hang on that outcome but also try and assume it could also be over. Is your progress based on your DB Coach, DB/DRing or a bit of both?

On reflection I think you are spot on with the financial side of things. As an IT contractor you can never guarantee how long you could be working for. Usually, it would be a 3 month contract with which you hope to be extended. As contractors get paid more than permanent staff (only if you are working all year, you can earn very good money, and with a good accountant you can keep alot of it as well (legally of course). I think the presssure of not having a career that I have never truly been happy in, and the income uncertainty has played a part, particularly as the children have got older. My wife often said I would return home and be like a bear with a sore head, shouting at the children, a bit off with my wife, but aren't alot of husbands like this when they return home? It was only temporary until I calmed down abit from the work and the commute.
again, you are right about the negativity in regard to income, I would often say "no, we cannot afford that" before she could even finish the sentance. Unfortunately, alot of our friends are either pilots (as welive close to Gatwick Airport)or reasonably successful businessmen whose wives do not work, wheras my wife works very hard, particularly when she has supported me during periods out of work. I believe this is another reason as to why she has felt things could be better, and I in turn have felt the pressure to accrue as much money as possible when I am working. It seems like a vicious circle, but I always have tried to do the best for my family, though it appears it has not been enough for my wife. She has used alot of her own money to buy things for the house, which has hurt me a bit and maybe she feels I am not providing as a husband should.

We purchased a house in January 2008 that required major work (too much in fact) as we used all the money we have accrued in equity, I was also unemployed from end of Jan 08 to mid May 08 (14 weeks) which meant no income and was an incredible strain as I did not partake in any sport during this period (me showing commitement), often working late at night to try and get some of the rooms ready. We were also living with my parents-in-law who apparently saw a different side to me (a negative one) as I would disappear up to our room and not really involve myself in helping them, or offering any money for our keep. I can understand this now, but I think the strain of all this, coupled with my wife thinking I did not handle the stress of the building work either has taken its toll.

[markhaving probs]

Puppy,

Thats the frustrating thing. I believe something/someone happened just before Christmas 2008 that caused her to announce our divorce, some catalystic event or situation, as she said she was going to tell me when we came back from our skiing holiday in January. It was only the fact we had a huge row the week before Xmas that she blurted it out. I think she is being driven either by her parents or somebody else which, I have not found any proof of to this point.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy,

Thats the frustrating thing. I believe something/someone happened just before Christmas 2008 that caused her to announce our divorce, some catalystic event or situation, as she said she was going to tell me when we came back from our skiing holiday in January. It was only the fact we had a huge row the week before Xmas that she blurted it out. I think she is being driven either by her parents or somebody else which, I have not found any proof of to this point.

I suspect you're right. Certainly has all of the earmarks.

Puppy

[markhaving probs]

Hi Saffie,

I think I know where you are going with this, but its a good question as I never really started seeing any noticable change until the bomb was dropped. She blames the stress of the situation, though I have seen some slimming tablets to supplement this weight loss which seems strange. She is not eating much, but this is now deliberate. She said she is now the same size as she was before we were married. She is now buying new clothes, underwear etc because she said nothing fits her now. Could it be the stress of trying to hide something? She is keen for me to move out, though again am I being paranoid? Was it because I never noticed, or did I realise once I became completely paranoid about somebody else possibly being in the picture. I cannot definitively say. Suffice to say she has gone from English size 14/16 to size 10/12. I have seen so many posts where these point to a third party. What is your view, though I have an idea what you are going to say.