WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[spellfire]

Oh, and don't give up hope just yet man. You are only just starting to really "get it" and it takes time for that to affect change in your R.

You are going to have backslides and down days, it is not the end of the world btw. Don't beat yourself up too much, just put them down to experience and work on bouncing back asap.

[confusedinpa]

She's still stomping around. It's almost like my 7 year old. Pretty sad

She says that she doesn't think I'm being flexible and working with her. I haven't been getting mad or emotional but just realized I haven't been compassionate either. I've asked her that I want her to tell me what she's expecting me to do. She keeps saying working with her to move forward with the seperation.

I told her that up haven't come up with any new ideas since we stopped talking last nite and asked if she had. She said no

I said that I felt last nite was productive as we both finally agreed on something. That we need to keep what is best for the kids in mind

She then tried to escalate again where she said she's going to stop doing what I want (counseling) until we come to agreement on custody

We had to pick up the boys from her mom's. When we got there the boys were excited to see us. I was glad to see them too. Her mom was saying how she will be over tomorrow so we can go to counseling. My wife didn't say anything but she stayed inside to talk to her mom when the boys and I were in the car

I think she finally told her mom what was going on with us. Her mom looked sad when we drove away. I asked her what they talked about when she stayed behind. She said just asked how it went last nite with the boys. I think I've finally caught her in a lie. Very disappointing

We went grocery shopping and I tried to act as if the relationship was ok.

When we got home I switched o compassion mode and said that I know she is frustrated and angry. This is one of the most important decisions of our lives and we can not let it be made out of negative emotions. We have to work together to decide what's best She seemed to relax a little when I said that.

Now I'm playing down in the basement playroom with my boys. We're having fun. She's still sulking.

I'm open to suggestions on next moves to diffuse some of the anger/frustration. Letting her sulk doesn't seem like a winning mood

I'm really detached as I still feel fine. Pretty scary.

I told her I was going to the gym later and this Tues I will be going out with some of my friends since she didn't want to do anything.

[confusedinpa]

Oh, and don't give up hope just yet man. You are only just starting to really "get it" and it takes time for that to affect change in your R.

You are going to have backslides and down days, it is not the end of the world btw. Don't beat yourself up too much, just put them down to experience and work on bouncing back asap.

I'm actually not beating myself up at all. I don't think I've really backslid as I didn't get very emotional at all. I did realize that I've failed to show compassion. I'm got to remeber to keep that in mind as that has been the heart of our relation issues

Ah so much to keep track of and remember

[confusedinpa]

She made us a nice lunch. I could tell she was still mad. We ate and the kids entertained us. She seemed to soften a little. She wound up taking a nap after lunch. I played with the kids until it was time for my 3 year old to take a nap

I asked my oldest if he wanted to go to the gym with me. He said no. I went to the gym and had a good work out. I called one of my friends to meet me for a beer. So here I am.

I'm not down, just trying to figure out the right move. I love her so much that I don't want to see her hurting anymore. I know I should tell her that. I'm not sure what the right move is

All I know is that either way I will find a way to be happy, with or without her love. I also know I will always have a love to share with my boys

She is just acting too childish to see what she is doing. Is that resentment? Or do I really feel sorry for her. Its such a fine line

Any suggestions on the next move? Letting her stew doesn't seem to be the wise move...

[confusedinpa]

I'm sure I messed up here but I went out with one of my buddies tio chat and drink for the about 4 hours. She called me but I didn't answer

Oh well

Whatever

[confusedinpa]

She was mad when I got home. She had dinner waiting for me. She and the kids already ate

She seemed hurt that I was gone so long and did not call. I most asked why did she care but I didn't. The boys were excited that I was back

I told her that after the gym I needed some time to think. She said it was wrong for me to be gone almost 6 hours without calling. I wanted to say like whe she was out for her Bday but I didn't

I just acknowledged and validated

I played with the boys for a bit. She complained about her feet as she had cleaned the floors and did 6 loads of laundry and made dinner when I was gone. I gave her a foot massage and a kiss on the check. I the recognized how everything was taken care of so well

She seems calm now. Not sure what that means but I had a fun day

[MrBond]

Well just out of courtesy you should have called. Remember, while you're detaching you need to stay consistent in your actions. Right now you're at the point where you've detached, but maybe a little too much. We all do it.

Now you need to fine tune your detachment.

The next time she says that she won't go to counseling, tell her that it was for her to better understand herself as much as it is for you to understand you. Tell her that you've gotten alot out the sessions as you have been very open to find out what was wrong with you. And these have been reflected in your changes. Say, that if she is just in it for you and not to better understand herself, then she really doesn't need to be there but that you will continue to do so to continue to improve you.

Then she can't hold that as a threat over your head anymore. You're saying, well I'm going because I want to get better, but if you don't want to get better, that's up to you. Again, her choice.

With her period, I don't think you could have given her any answer without her being pissed off. So it was good that you played it cool.

I think you gave her the right amount of compassion and detachment. If she starts an argument again, just tell her that according to her she's had a looong time to think things out whereby she's only given you a few weeks. It's all her driving the train and you've been pulled along. So it's only understandable that she gives you the same amount of time she had so that things work out for you as well as for her. Then ask her "that is what you want right". "You do want to be fair to me right". Then she can't say anything.

If she again accuses you of dragging things out, stop her and say that you are not and that you have already told her why.

Admit to her again that you have already apologized for the things you have done, but it is HER choice to stay angry. And it is YOUR choice to remain happy.

Again, flip it back into her corner. Make her continue to see how it's her actions that she needs help for and not yours.

I still would push for the separation and say you need it to decide on what the best course of action would be. But good luck.

[confusedinpa]

Well just out of courtesy you should have called. Remember, while you're detaching you need to stay consistent in your actions. Right now you're at the point where you've detached, but maybe a little too much. We all do it.

Now you need to fine tune your detachment.

Stuck808,

I did feel sorry I didn't call/answer. Perhaps it was the 5 captain morgan and cokes I had already when she tried to call, but I just didn't want to answer when she called. I know I may have gone a little too far with the detachment.

I did call her to let her know I was on my way home.

I told her I hadn't realized that I was gone for that long and must have just lost track of time, but I appologized as I acknowledged that was wrong for me not to. That is actually part of my 180 - she had said I would never appologize to her in the past. I took it to the extreme the first 2 weeks and kept appologizing. Now I do appologize only for new things that occur or that she brings up.

That's a good suggestion about counseling. I like how you put it reinforced my changes as internally driven/real vs. from a script/book that she brought up during last week's session. She knows that I would go to counseling by myself if she doesn't want to go. We have talked about in the first few sessions. She thinks she's going for me as it "helps" achieve what I want - saving the marriage. Perhaps the twist of saying it is to better understand herself will diffuse that. I'll have to remember that one.

I like your line of "you do want to be fair to me right?". That can really be useful as she has all along said she was trying to be fair and nice. Hopefully I can get it across so it doesn't come out as a jab, but more matter of factly. I'll work on that one.

My concern with the separation - in addition to the effect on the kids (which is the top priority) - is how do you continue to DB when she's not in the house or if you never/rarerly see her?

[confusedinpa]

Last nite after we put the kids to bed, I had a few things to take care of in my den. I heard her in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher. I came out and told her that I know her elbow is bothering her so I could empty it. She said it was already done. I thanked her for that.

She went to the family room to watch some television and I went back into the den. I heard her laughing so I came out to ask what was so funny. She told me and we both laughed and talked lightly.

I told her that I was ordering new headphones for my MP3 player as mine had broken when I was at the gym. She then came into the den with me. I could tell something was still bothering her so I stopped what I was doing and turned to her.

She started about how worried she was when I was gone for such a long time. She said that I had left around 1 or 1:30 and she thought that at a max, I would have been at the gym for 2 hours. She then said she was worried if something had happened to me. She even questioned if I had actually gone to the gym and wondered if I was with someone. Inside I was like wtf??!?!?

I appologized again. I acknowledged and validated her feelings and agreed that it was the wrong thing for me to do. Not sure if she's treating this as I'm back to being selfish. I told her that I had gone to gym, but when I started working out my right shoulder started to bother me (my normal bad shoulder is my left). I told her I was concernd about it so I slowed down my work out. I usually wait about 1 minute between sets, but stretched it to about 3 minutes between sets so I can keep stretching my right shoulder. Then I told her I ran for about a mile on the tread mill.

After I was done working out, I felt like I needed some time/space. I acknowledge that I should have called her to let her know, but didn't think I was going to be that long. I appologized again.

She has been concerned about her weight gain so I even suggested that if she wanted to come with me to the gym, it could be a good change of pace. She said when were we going to find the time to do that. I said I'm planning on going every weekend, plus there is a babysitting service available there, so we could go together. She said that if she was just going run she would just do it down in our basement gym. I told here there was a lot of other equipment too but that was up to her. I didn't press it any further.

She then talked about what she did while I was gone (a ton of housework and laundry) and she had made the meat sauce I like for spaghetti. I listened and acknowleded and recognized how I thought the house and everything looked nice. She then brought in the meat sauce to smell. I said it smelled great. She then made a comment of how she made it so her mom could just heat it up Monday nite for dinner (hmmmm... maybe she is going to counseling tonite).

It was starting to get late, so she said she was going to bed. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the check. I appologized again and she went upstairs.

I stayed up a bit to load the dishwasher and repack my gym bag. I listed to some music and read some more of the Love without Hurt book and then went to bed.

Not sure what's going through her head, I'm not going to try to guess. I'll just let her bring it up.

I feel like I had a good weekend and even with her pressing the custody discussion, I still had fun this weekend. I feel like I'm dragging a litle this morning - probably from all the drinks yesterday afternoon.

[confusedinpa]

She blew up at that saying she felt like I was disrespecting her and not listening by trying to drag this thing out. She said she was going to stop being nice and stop going to counseling as she felt I was trying to take advantage of her.

Oh please...it's not like she is a grown woman, right? Stop being nice? She is walking away, yeah that's super nice of her.

We may want to think of a boundary for this kind of talk, especially if she is saying she is no longer going to be nice.

I'm not saying get pissed and let her take your wall down with this talk, but I also am not sure you should tolerate this kind of talk either.

Don't act on it right now, but let's think about a good way to handle this.

Spellfire,

Any more thoughts on this one?