We got done running our errands and I played basketball and T-ball with my boys. My wife tried to pick a couple of fights with some jabs but my wall held strong
She wasn't feeling well so she went to take a nap while the boys and I played
I woke her up to tell her the boys and I were going to the driving range.
I a little anxious of her saying she wants to take time to talk this weekend when the boys are staying at her moms this weekend. I'm sure its about custody.
I'm trying to prepare my wall for that by reviewing all the advice that are in my threads. I will be ok
Its a good day
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
sorry about not responding to your post, confused, on my thread. I have been pretty sick lately.
Just to let you know, I have been divorced (not Gods divorce) since Oct of last year. I was all over the place but am now focusing on my family and treating my ex as if I still was married to her. Let me be more clear, I dont let her know that I consider us married still and dont have any expectations but I treat her with respect (except for some stupid mistakes I made) and as a partner. She has softened somewhat to me this past week since I quit considering her, in my heart, being more of an enemy. I know that a person can say pleasant things but vocal inflections and physical mannerisms can give it away. So I try to treat her as if she was a gift (and she is).
Whatever she has to say to you about the custody, try to not react negatively. Think long term.
Praying for you!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Don't know what color ranks you are familiar with, but we will go white, yellow, orange, purple, blue, green, brown, black (got it off a kempo website).
I'm giving you your orange belt early, since she tested you and you didn't crumble. To earn purple, you are going to have to come to terms with the process she is pushing. You need to do this so that you can handle it cleanly with her. That means that when she makes time to discuss it, you don't freak out and backslide.
It is going to be tough, but your job is work on not taking it personally.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Hey you are an inspiration to me right now! I know all about "choosing to be happy" and it really is a choice. When we consciously decide to be happy, it works wonders.
Kudos to you confusedinpa. Right now you are my hero and I am taking your words of wisdom to heart.
We had a lot of fun at the driving range. I called her on the way back to figure out what we were going to do for lunch.
She was doing laundry and had lunch ready for us when we got home. She said she was washing clothes for tonite. I smiled and asked if she was going to wear the outfit from Weds that I liked. She said that's what she was trying to do.
We had a nice lunch and I told her I was in the mood for a dessert drink. She suggested pina colodas as I have been hankering them for several days. I went out to get a pineapple and picked up flowers on the way home
My youngest was taking a nap so I did some painting (knocking off the honey do list) once I got home. she made the drinks and then went to get ready for tonite
When she came down from her shower, I surprised her with the flowers. She smiled and said they looked really nice. She then said thank you.
Hopefully this will help get her in the mood to have fun tonite. I will regardless
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
We went out and had a very nice dinner. It started off very nice but she seemed a little irked. I know she wants to talk about custody but I'm not going to bring it up if she doesn't. Not sure if that's going cost me my purple belt
It seemed like she had tried to pick a fight a couple of times during dinner. First time she mad a comment that I should cut the string beans into smaller pieces instead of jamming them in my mouth like a cave man (it was a really nice place - dinner was $135). I just laughed it off and picked up my knife
When I ordered a second drink she made a comment of how before I never drank and now it seems like I drink all the time. I just said that was then, this is now and left it at that as I enjoyed my drink
She was still feeling tired and down so she didn't want to go to the piano bar after dinner. Plus her cramps were acting up and she said she felt too full from being bloated. I felt bad for her that she couldn't enjoy the evening.
We did walk around the town for a few minutes.
We got home at 8:30 and she said she was going to jump in the shower to rinse off and change in her pj's (her pants were feeling tight from being bloated)
I told her I was going to sit out in the patio a bit as it was still nice out and it was early.
So here I am. It is a very nice evening out. Too bad it was a bad time of the month for her for us to go out I feel bad for her that she couldn't enjoy the evening. I'm not going to let her ruin my evening
I've reviewed all the advise/suggestions that everyone has offered to strengthen my wall
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
About 20 minutes later she came down from her shower and poked her head out to tell me she was just going to sit inside since her stomach was bothering her
I wound up coming inside as well since it started getting cold
We watched various TV shows till 10PM when she said she was going to bed. I gave her a hug and kiss on the check good nite. I thought I made it through the nite but boy was I wrong
She came back down about 30 minutes later. She said she was mad/frustrated that we hadn't talked about custody. I told her I was playing catch up as she has been dealing/processing this a lot longer than I have. I'm still trying to get all my thoughts around it. She kept pressing me so I asked her for her thoughts. She shared her 50/50 idea that I did not like but I just said that I would have to think about it
She blew up at that saying she felt like I was disrespecting her and not listening by trying to drag this thing out. She said she was going to stop being nice and stop going to counseling as she felt I was trying to take advantage of her.
I tried to empathize but she kept escalating her anger. I told her that I am listening and hear everything that she has said. She tried to jump in to continue to escalate by pushing selling the house but I asked her to let me finish. I then told her that I just don't agree with what she is saying. She got madder
I remained calm and I shifted into my business negotiations mode. I went into the I believe in the marriage and that the relationship can work. I said I understand she doesn't right now. I also said that I believe staying married will offer the best life for the kids but I know she wants the divorce. However, what we both need to do is come up what will offer the best life for the kids that we can both live with. She calmed somewhat and agreed that is the goal.
So I asked her what could be some options. She thought about it and offered another idea that I didn't like either She the pressed me for my idea. I reminded her that I still believe in the marriage and believe it can work. I do love her but because I love her I won't stop her from leaving. So I offered up my idea (her and I move back and forth, and the kids stay put - nesting) as stability for kids is important. She agreed stability is important but she said she will not share a space with me
We looked at each other for a while when she tried to escalate again. She said if she left tomorrow she is sure I would come up with an answer. I wanted to say that she wouldn't have the kids at all then but I didn't. She said that I wasn't working with her. She brought up the selling the house again
I told we need to focus on the kids as that needs to be the first priority. Then I asked her what was she expecting for me to do. She offered ideas, I offered ideas and neither one of us could agree. So the next logical step seemed to be to think of other ideas.
She then went off on how if we don't agree, a judge will ultimately decide and she didn't think that's a good idea. I told her I agree as who better than the 2 of us knows what's best for us and the kids
I then told her how in the past I had said she made me happy but now I understand I was wrong. She didn't make me happy. She was shocked/taken back about that at first. I let it sink in for a few seconds. I then told her only I can make myself happy. She made me feel loved and no matter what we do we need to make sure the kids still feel loved. She agreed
I still believe the marriage relationship can work. She jumped in saying it won't because she is refusing to work on that. It wasn't what she wanted. I told her I know that but I still believe it can if she did work on it with me. She said she didn't want that because of the negative feelings she has. I then went into how we will always have a relationship because of the kids. We need to work on getting past the negativity so it doesn't affect that relationship
She didn't agree as she felt this way for sometime and feels we were functioning as a family well. I said I'm not too sure about that (I wish I had a better response - any suggestions?)
We had several minutes of silence then said something about nesting while we were waiting for the house to be sold. I said that was something to think about
It was late so I suggested we go to bed (that's what she used to do to me when I wanted to talk about things)
Feels like things are getting worse from a perspective of saving the marriage. I'm not upset or hurt though. I'm just disappointed and feel sad for my kids
I will see my kids tomorrow though so that should be a good day
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
She was still angry this morning. She stomped around and wound up saying she was going to stop going to counseling until we come up with a custody agreement
I though that was very childish but didn't say that. She continued on how she was hurt how I treat her now. She said it was a slap in her face that she wanted it for so long but now I get it when she doesn't care. I said, sarcastically, how aweful it must be when someone is showing her that he loves and cares for her. I then went into how I know she doesn't believe its real but I do. The changes I made will become habits because this is the right thing to do
More to follow. Seems like there is going to be a lot talking this morning. Hope my wall holds up
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
We went out and had a very nice dinner. It started off very nice but she seemed a little irked. I know she wants to talk about custody but I'm not going to bring it up if she doesn't. Not sure if that's going cost me my purple belt
Nope, let her bring it up if she wants to talk about it.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
She blew up at that saying she felt like I was disrespecting her and not listening by trying to drag this thing out. She said she was going to stop being nice and stop going to counseling as she felt I was trying to take advantage of her.
Oh please...it's not like she is a grown woman, right? Stop being nice? She is walking away, yeah that's super nice of her.
We may want to think of a boundary for this kind of talk, especially if she is saying she is no longer going to be nice.
I'm not saying get pissed and let her take your wall down with this talk, but I also am not sure you should tolerate this kind of talk either.
Don't act on it right now, but let's think about a good way to handle this.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
