WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[MrBond]

Nice dodging.

Next time she brings up the custody issue, ask her, "what do you think is the most fair agreement to me and you that would give our boys the quality of life they deserve?" Throw the question back at her so that she has to do the thinking and is not going to bait you into an argument.

If you had said something of what you think the terms should be, she would have argued about it no matter what you said. The thing is to get her questioning herself. Get her thinking, really thinking about the consequences.

In the meantime, you should have what you feel is a fair custody in your head in case she really presses you for it. But only tell her after she has told you what she thinks first.

Do it without emotion, just very matter-of-factly. Before you do, remind her again that you still believe in the M and that in order to give your kids the rich, nurturing family they deserve, you believe in re-newing the marriage. That is what you want and what you believe. Tell her that, you love her enough that if it is her wish to leave, then you cannot hold her back. Then state your demands. If she tries to interrupt, then gently stop her and say that you'd like to finish.

All this should be said very calmly as if it were strictly business.

In the past you had broken down and pleaded, but now you say it with an even keel she might get thrown for a loop.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks Stuck!

I think you had given that one to me before but I couldn't come up with it when she asked me last nite

I know she was iritated about it last nite. This morning as we got ready for work in the bathroom, she said that she couldn't sleep when she got to the spare bedroom. She said she almost came back down to talk. I told her she could have if she wanted to - a small lie as I'm sure she wanted to talk about custody

Then she asked what I wound up doing last nite after she went to bed. I told her I worked on my MP3 player (it was locked up but I got it working again) and watched some television in our room. She asked if I looked at the letter. I said very matter of factly, that it didn't really seem to say anything of value.

I'm sure she thinks I'm just trying to avoid the issue and is getting upset.

Your suggestion is a good one as since she's the one who wants to move down the divorce path, she should come up with something.

I'm still going to have a good day today!

[confusedinpa]

I had an early meeting today so I'm a little late on my journaling. It helps me keep the days straight so I can review my situations and how I handled them to keep my progress going forward.

After I had gotten ready for work, I went downstairs to the family room. My youngest was sitting on my wife's lap on the sofa and my oldest was sitting on the love seat. It seemed a little odd so I walked over to my wife to find out what was going on. My wife wound up whispering in my ear that the two boys were going after each other again and my oldest didn't want to brush his teeth before he went to school.

In the past I would have yelled at my oldest to go brush his teeth but I wound up using my new approach of talking with him and off he went, up to brush his teeth. I actually surprised myself how well it worked. So I was really feeling good.

I packed his lunch bag and as I was gathering my stuff, I heard my wife yell OWWWW. I went over to her, she was holding her left breast and said our youngest smacked it (he's been punching and hitting a lot lately). She said she was surprised I didn't hear the smack. I told her all I heard was her yell and I asked if she was ok. She said her nipple stung. I was touching her back lightly and smiled and asked her if she wanted me to kiss it better. Probably crossed the line, but I was still smiling when she said no. I still thought it was funny. I just gave her a kiss on the check and walked away.

She got up and she started to complain about how her period was going. She was saying how it has just been spotting since Tuesday, and usually that happens during the first 2-3 days and then its heavy on the 4-5 days and then light again on the last 2 days. She said at least if it was heavy on the weekend it would be easier to manage. I tried to be compassionate, but I wound up asking if she was still able to wear the outfit I liked on Weds for our date this weekend. She said she would. In hindsight that was selfish of me, but I guess I just have to record that as another lesson.

She wound up fixing the collar on my shirt - she knows I like it when she does that. We kissed on the check when I left.

I used to over analyze every morning as would be concerned about what she thought or was thinking. Now I really don't care. Does it cross my mind, sure, I would be lying if I didn't. Does it get me anxious - just a little, but it doesn't get me sad or hurt.

I felt much more confident today as well when I had to give my weekly presentation to my boss. I think it showed as he seemed happy with my results. He knows about my situation, but he has been unrelentless even during the last several weeks. There were times over the last week I wanted to just storm out of the meeting saying I have bigger issues/problems to worry about than the stuff at work. This time, when he did press me, I felt I was able to handle the questions with much more poise and confidence.

I'm going to try and leave work early again to talk with the retired married couple. I had asked my wife about doings something on St. Patricks Day, but she hasn't expressed any interest/intent so yesterday I called a couple of my buddies (who don't know about my situation) to go grab some beers on Tuesday so I'm looking forward to that.

It's still a good day!

[confusedinpa]

Just got text from my wife

How r u ...i m feelng yucky this afternoon

How long should I let her wait?

I'm on my to my friends house

[song]

Do what feels right. Personally I'd give it an hour or so, and respond "I'm good, sorry you're not feeling well "

But then again, what do I know, I would probably jump up and down if my wife sent me a text at all.

[confusedinpa]

I text her back about 2 hours later - a little longer than I planned

Oh well, whatever

She just got home I was playing basketball with my oldest son and I missed her call

She's grumpy as it sounds like her cramps are bad and she had a tough day at work

I'm still having a good day as both boys seem to be on a positive day and I'm still feeling good

[confusedinpa]

I had a really good visit with my friends. They were both surprised how I rounded the corner in my woe's me attitude (I saw them last Thursday). They were both really amazed at my change. My friends wife reminded me how a few weeks ago, they were both telling me to be me but I didn't know who that was anymore.

They were both extremely impressed/proud of how I found me again. They have both known me longer almost as long as I have known my wife. They saw how I was not exactly the person they knew a long time ago, nor the same as the emotionless person over the past several years, but really see how I've evolved into a much fuller person. I felt really good with my visit. I only got sad when I shared with them what my oldest said to me the other night. It was a great visit, as it felt like just a nice visit with friends, not a visit for me to vent/cry.

However, did she have a bad day. She had cramps real bad and the audit she was suppose to complete today didn't get done because she didn't get the report or data in time.

She was really stressing. We talked in the car on the way to dinner (our Friday tradition is to go out for dinner as a family). The boys were talking and having a good time with each other in the back while we talked.

She vented and fumed about all the mishaps and frustrations of the day. I empathized and tried to comfort her. She actually cried about how bad her day was.

I was tried to be compassionate but I didn't let her mood get me down. We got to the resturant and I had an awesome dinner. Great seafood and pasta. The boys really like their pasta with cheese sauce (a very high end macaroni and cheese). She had a steak tip wrap, which she said was very good. She ordered a martini and I had my captain morgan and coke.

On the way home, she was really uncomfortable as she had cramps really bad and she felt bloated and stuffed. She actually unbuttoned her pants to feel more comfortable in the car. I joked to make sure she remembered to button them back up - one time her button broke and she wound up showing her thong to everyone in the parking lot. She laughed and just said she felt so bloated she doubted her pants we go anywhere.

When we got home, I changed both kids to their pj's to go to bed.

After we tucked them in and she said prayers with them, she came into our bedroom and said she was going to bed as she had enough of today. I gave her a light hug and kiss on the check and wished her goodnite and hope she felt better.

She went to bed at 8:55 PM. She had a bad day.

I do feel bad for her for having a bad day. I do love her and do not want her to be feeling that bad/sad. My day was actually pretty good and I still am happy about how my day went. I am a little conflicted as I don't feel guilty about that. Should I?

[MrBond]

You did great!

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If she wants to feel bad and cranky, that's up to her. After all, if you guys D, she won't have you around to vent to and soothe her anyway.

You are getting to understand what detaching means.

Especially since she's cramping, don't engage her in any talks even if she pushes you to it. I think anything you say is going to be taken aggressively and with anger.

It's great that you were compassionate towards her and didn't go overboard. That's the path you have to continue on.

You notice even last night she didn't push any serious talks because you didn't goad her by contributing. She didn't press the issue, so that's also a good thing.

Just keep up with the positive interactions.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks Stuck,

I guess that's one thing that is going hold me back on my orange belt. I still need some reassurance that I'm handling it right and heading down the right path.

It just feels odd being detached, as part of the issue in the past as that she felt that I was detached and didn't care. I think I'm begining to see that the empathy and compassion type of detachment is different from the feel no emotion detachment that I had when I was depressed.

So much more to learn and feel. I do feel like I'm raising the bar everyday vs. burying it during the first several weeks.

Thanks for the feedback and encouragement

[confusedinpa]

Still on a roller coaster.

We were talking about what we were going to do tonite when the kids stay over her mom's house. We talked about a few options and then at the end she said she wants us to find time to talk this weekend. I'm sure its about the custody. Fortunately we got to the store just at that time so I ducked that one for now

I'm anxious but will find time to review what was suggested here.

We're suppose to go to dinner and then a piano bar. Sounds like it should be fun. I'm still going have a good time tonite when we go out. It will be up to her to decide if she wants to have fun or not

Any encouragement or luck or suggestions will be appreciated