Karen, I can't believe it! I am a stay at home Mom also and OW is a workaholic lawyer as well!
Although, I worked before the kids came along, I was never a workaholic. I love my balanced lifestyle. Now I have 4 part-time jobs and still get to spend time with my kids because I am careful to pick jobs that give me maximum flexibility.
But I think it all goes back to what others say about it's how the OW makes H feels that is what is attractive. Our H's fell in love with the feeling, not the person, I think. The rush is the aphrodisiac. The person can remain unchanged but once the rush is gone, then they find themselves out of love. It's not a mature way to look at a relationship but I don't think our H's are thinking right at the moment. There are some H's that are serial cheaters and are constantly seeking the rush, going from one OW to another. These OW have not changed! They come in all shapes and sizes. But the H's are addicted to the high.
I really believe that looks, personality, work ethic, all of that is secondary to the 'feel' of the new R. Yes, men are very visual creatures but our H's didn't fall in love with beautiful, gorgeous women. They fell in love with how OW made them feel. I think if we concentrate on that then we have got something.
So if you want to play the game to win back H, I would concentrate on making H feel good about himself (eventhough he has done many horrible things to you and is not worthy of your trust and love just yet). Not be dishonest with yourself or throw all your self-respect aside. But more with a compassionate heart for his problems and your M issues. Just because we are wives, we don't have to act like wives. We should be acting like mistresses to lure them back (if that is what we want).
If your goal is to be vindicated, then alienate him, make him run into OW's arms so he gets his highs and feels good about himself because he knows he has screwed up and is feeling guilty to begin with. Rubbing his face into his mess will only drive you further apart. I know at first I couldn't get over the feeling of hurt and there were moments that I really wanted to hurt him back. And I had to ask myself some very difficult questions. What kind of person am I? Am I a hypocrite? Would I sink to his level and hurt the one that I proclaim to love forever? I had to really look hard and make decisions to not hurt anyone, to preserve my dignity and let karma and God take care of the rest.
It is up to all of us to make this choice, whichever one feels more right to each person. I don't think there is a right or a wrong in this matter. It's more of a question of whether you think your M is salvagable or not.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Karen, I can't believe it! I am a stay at home Mom also and OW is a workaholic lawyer as well!
That is so weird!!!
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And I had to ask myself some very difficult questions. What kind of person am I? Am I a hypocrite? Would I sink to his level and hurt the one that I proclaim to love forever? I had to really look hard and make decisions to not hurt anyone, to preserve my dignity and let karma and God take care of the rest.
I think a lot like that too. I think your H is such a fool!!!! I predict at some point he's going to kick himself!!!
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I don't think there is a right or a wrong in this matter. It's more of a question of whether you think your M is salvagable or not.
I agree. Do you think your M is salvagable or not? I kind of think most are, but you have to have 2 people willing to work on the issues, so until that happens I wouldn't have to worry about it. I think when you have kids, you also have to act differently about it and try to keep a good R no matter what happens, or at least I try to.
I find NC is the best defence ( although h still manages to blame me for so much ). NC allows me not to be mean or to feel like a doormat.
BUT take emotion out of equation and what are you left with ... a H with OW and who kows how long all that will last. a few weeks, months or years meanwhile are you protecting what is rightfully yours and your kids.
Absolutely it is the feeling OW gives that is the rush. This is evident in my case by who he has chosen. She empathisess with him is all he says when anyone asks " What the F*&^ are you doing " so good news to hear that it is only temporary.
Hi PM, you always put things so beautifully. I was looking around for something about "trading down" or "affairing down" with the Ow. It basically says that when H finds other woman he is not looking for best looking and if that happens it is mostly by accident. What he is looking for is someone to feed his ego and look up to him and meet his emotional needs. But for the H he has basically "traded down" because even though the OW is meeting his needs she is also cheating and basically has lowered her own standards. I will have to look for it.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Karen, Pollyanna and Hope. I think most marriages are salvagable unless there is some kind of abuse or addiction involved. Sorry, Hope, your H's sitch is a real tough one.
I am an optimist so I think that there are a lot of things that people can compromise on. Yes, I have my principles and values but I also have a lot of self-imposed rules as well which are not solid rules per se but just ways that I like to do things. Like most people, I get annoyed when I don't get my way. I am now looking at ways to curb my anger and annoyance and talk myself into a calmer state of mind and not get upset over everything that does not adhere to my view of the world.
It's a change that is long overdue. I didn't always used to be this way. I remember very clearly that I was a happy-go-lucky sort of teenager and always had a smile on my face. But life slowly became more complicated, moving, kids, landlords etc. Everything accumulates and my mind is filled with thoughts of problems or lists of things to do etc. So I became annoyed easily because one thing affects ten others that needs to be done so the whole process gets delayed. It's just everyday stress but it would show on my face and my tone of voice.
It was therapeutic for me to let it out and talk about it and moan about it. But it was a big turnoff for my H. Now I know, too late but can't change history. So I am working on that aspect on myself, for me, not for anyone else. I don't want to affect negatively on my kids or my other relationships. So I am trying to be more aware of my speech, sighs and annoyance levels and try to tone eveything down. Being aware is wisdom. I want to be wise.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
PM, no matter what we will be better people even if our H's never come to that realization. What a shame what they will miss -- the new improved us. We can only pray for this.
I have been doing personal inventory everyday and trying to make small changes a day at a time.
I read on another site that we need to make these improvements to be ready for when our H's decide to find their way back. They said if your doorbell rang right now and it was your H -- would YOU be ready. Would you be in the right frame of mind to accept your H and all that goes with it. Gives you something to think about.
I know that I need to work on some projects in the house, actually have a long list. Need to keep focused on the long term goal.
take care
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if the 'old' H would come back. Actually it's quite nice during the week when I don't expect him to come around and I don't see him. The kids and I have a nice life together, low stress, we have many laughs and it's actually quite a pleasant life. But when the weekends roll around, I wonder what time he will show up, if he will be late, if he would let us down, if he would rush the kids to get into bed so he could go and have his 'me' time. Happens every Sunday. He rushes things because he wants to get away.
It makes me think that I don't want him around so much. I man I loved, the man I cared about and who cared about me doesn't exist anymore. This is not the man I knew.
H went camping with D a couple of months ago. I just talked with her camp counsellor and she said that H was physically present but he was not really there in spirit. What a shame. I thought it would be a great opportunity for D and H to share and to bond. But it was not to be. He is so self-absorbed that he can't REALLY be there for his D. She said he would do the activities but right afterwards he would go sit by himself and not talk with anyone. I asked her if he was bonding with D and she said he just wasn't mentally there. I guess this is why they call it the fog.
Very optimistic about my own happiness. Not so optimistic about H's journey and his way back home or his way out of his self-imposed misery and moral dilemma. So wondering if it is nearly time to remove ourselves. Don't know. Hate to give up, it's just not me. But don't want to do what my aunt did. She waited ten years for my uncle to come home. He never did and he had an affair with her sister in the meantime...
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
PM, good attitude. I do not want to be your aunt but like you I hate to give up.
In my case being in my 50s it really is daunting trying to start over. Not like I feel my life is over but at this point in my life I do not think I would have patience for another R. Just my feelings.
I knew my H (not this fog babble one), we just drifted and I never saw it coming.
Think it is so sad that D and H did not connect on camping trip. It is the fog. You want to tap on their head and ask "is anyone home". I see my H in meetings and he is totally out of it. That is why I believe these OW are addictions. They cannot function. H had such an opportunity to create a memory with D and sadly he retreated into his own world.
My H has not seen D since Dec. What did he miss -- seeing her for homecoming dance, sweetheart dance, her making her first goal at school, EVERYTHING. The smiles, the tears, the laughter. That as mothers we struggle with. How could they let that go and trade down to the OW.
We will know if and when to drop the rope. Has your H filed for D or are you just living apart? k
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Very optimistic about my own happiness. Not so optimistic about H's journey and his way back home or his way out of his self-imposed misery and moral dilemma. So wondering if it is nearly time to remove ourselves. Don't know. Hate to give up, it's just not me. But don't want to do what my aunt did. She waited ten years for my uncle to come home. He never did and he had an affair with her sister in the meantime...
I think you as always continue to have a great attitude. My H is in the fog too, usually texting OW rather than focusing on the kids. I do think at some point they'll resurface a bit out of the fog hopefully, but what a shame to miss part of your life like that!!! And your kids!!! But they are doing that to themselves.
I don't think you have to give up. I won't until final D papers are signed. Although like you mention, I honestly think the kids and I are happier without him. He tends to be distant or angry and ruined any PMA I could have.
I think you do have to make decisions focused on you and your kids, and not your H. I mean you're married to an addict, so you have to do that. I do think there is prob. really like 50/50 chance of your H coming back, flip a coin, and you shouldn't remain in limbo waiting to see which it will be. From my time here I have to say that those who seemed to drop the rope and start making plans without their WAS, sometimes seems to shock the WAS into realizing the LBS is moving on and jolting them back to reality. But you have to make changes/choices for you and your family, not focused on your H. Karen
karen, even when the ink is dry on the D papers doesn't mean the end either. A friend told me her H did the same -- OW, wanted D, filed -- divorce goes through and 1 year later H has change of heart and they remarried and happily married 12 years later. Not for everyone but you never know.
I think we are all guilty of still trying to focus on our H at times. We have to continue to work on ourselves and keep our own sanity. PM has done a remarkable job no matter what she decides. She is already a winner!
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
