I do feel better this week. Don't know if it has to do with the counselling sessions last week. But this week I am filled with hope and I feel that either way (whether my H comes back or not), I will be OK. My C asked me if I still love my H. Yes, I do. I prefer to think that he is lost, that he is depressed and low and is out seeking SOMETHING to bring back happiness. He is doing it in a VERY destructive way. But it is outside of my control. I see the future. I see that he cannot be happy inside for what he has done. He is not a man without morals. He is suffering inside. I feel compassion for him. Because this path he has chosen will not give him the happiness and the peace he craves, he will continue to act out.
He will not listen to me. I am the scapegoat and there is no talking to him. I can only settle down, have patience and improve myself. I am improving. I feel that after two years of storm and insecurity, I have much more patience than before. I feel that I am a little wiser and a much more forgiving person. My temper has died down a lot, I am a lot less angry with the world. I do not ask anymore, why is this happening to me? I assume that everything has happened because it needs to. It happened so that I could learn from my mistakes, my hurdles in life and I am grateful. I am grateful for these lessons and my kids and I will reap the rewards.
I hope that my H will complete and have successful journey like me. I hope that he will learn to like himself again and reconcile with himself over his actions. Right now, he is fighting it, his struggles are on his face, in his manners. I feel for him but I no longer feel that I have to help him bear his burden or to fix them.
My success have nothing to do with whether he returns and reconciles with me. My success is a result of the work I do within myself, the hard look at the ugliness and weaknesses that is inside of me. I recognized them and now I am free from them.
I hope that one day I will find someone to love again, someone who will love me a appreciate me and the growth that I have achieved. I now have a newfound respect for myself and I feel good.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I'm dealing with a similar, lost H. I'm inspired by your strength and words.
You will indeed find someone who appreciates you someday.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Very like mine also PM and SF. A crystal ball would be nice. How long is to long.
I also have been a very agry person in my life and my experiance has reversed that emotion in me, but to the detrament of this situation as I cant seem to get angry at H and I think that it adds to depression.
But this week I am filled with hope and I feel that either way (whether my H comes back or not), I will be OK. My C asked me if I still love my H. Yes, I do. I prefer to think that he is lost, that he is depressed and low and is out seeking SOMETHING to bring back happiness. He is doing it in a VERY destructive way. But it is outside of my control.
I'm so glad you are having a great attitude. I do think to a great extent it's out of our control b/c I think many of our WAS are addicts in some way. My H is addicted to the OW and I have learned to accept that. It's not about me at all, just like if he was addicted to alcohol it has more to do with him than me. Karen
Karen, an A is definitely a drug, make no bones about it. There are scientific studies that show that the 'fall in love' feeling affects your brain. So that's why it feels so good. There are a lot of studies to show that our body will acclimate to this feeling (as with all pain and ecstasy and all drugs) so in order to feel the same 'high' the person needs to get the next fix, the next high and more and more to feel good again. That's why if someone is addicted to this 'high' they are in for pain because it CANNOT last. This person may seek other highs elsewhere (as in other OW's or other drugs) but not with the same thing again and again. The 'falling in love' phase lasts two years max.
Pollyanna,I can feel your frustrations, your questions tells me that you have a dire need to find answers and that if you have the answers, maybe you can make sense of things and work this whole mess out. You will feel this way for a few months, I am afraid and sorry but you won't find all of your answers. Think about whether you REALLY need answers to make you happy. What does it achieve? Can it reverse matters? Not really. All you can do is move forward.
Yes, at times I am angry with H. More for the fact that I feel I love him more than he loved me. But now I understand this to be a judgment. My DB coach says that judgement will KILL intimacy and marriages. So I try not to think that way anymore. So I am trying very hard to not judge him but to find compassion for him. For his destructive efforts to find himself, to understand the pain he must be in. I am disappointed that he has shut me out of his journey but I understand he must do this alone. I don't even think he is including OW in this journey. I feel he must be concealing his weaknesses from her to show his best side.
OW is different from me, yes. She is his co-worker so she sees him everyday at work - his obsession. So it must be wonderful to share an obsession with someone. She looks different from me, colouring is the same. My H says that he finds her cheerful and I am trying to work on that for myself. I don't want to be a grumpy gus forever, no matter what kind of justification I have for it. I don't want to be a victim and announce to the world that I am JUSTIFIED in being angry and grumpy because my H cheated on me. No. I want to be happy and relaxed because I have survived these hurdles and knows that I am a GOOD person.
I have met OW about five times before I found out about A but don't really know her at all. But in fact, I really don't care. I am not going to waste brain cells obsessing over her. She is not worth it basically. I am the one I need to work on, I want to think about my kids. A much better and more enjoyable way to spend my time, don't you think Pollyanna?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
It's lovely to hear you sounding so positive and supportive of others. I'm so glad you're finding your way laong this hard road. I know, I know I've talked about it a lot but I really am going to contact a DB coach if this is the effect it is having on you. I need someone to give me some ideas, someone to reassure me from a professional point of view. I love all the support and encouragement I'm getting here but I think it's time to seek the help of the pros too. I'll let you know how it goes.
Keep Smiling
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Great Kev, that sounds good. Getting a plan in place will put you in more control of the situation. Also, it focuses your energies and make this mess a bit easier to deal with. The pros are great.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Thanks PM. I know OW in my case is very different and the very opposite of what H found attractive in me ! Wondered if that was a common occurance to choose someone almost opposite.
Yes I know that my focus must shift from H. Getting there slowly.
Thanks PM. I know OW in my case is very different and the very opposite of what H found attractive in me ! Wondered if that was a common occurance to choose someone almost opposite.
Yes!!! I've seen this posted about several times here and it's apparently pretty common. I'm a stay at home mom devoted to the kids and OW is a workaholic lawyer. From what people tell me (that know us both) she's my total opposite. I'm tall, she's short. It's weird, but have seen that in many cases here!!! Karen
