I think I do. I know that I still love my (ex)wife although I don't feel drawn to her like I used to. I hope I am not proving TMI but my desire for her is not there. What I do miss is our friendship, raising the kids together, planning future events and simply spending time together.
I have detached from her pretty much although I recently (yesterday) sent her a message that I miss us being friends. Is that bad DBing? Maybe. I do know that I rarely say anything or convey anything to her that would say or show how I feel. And I do still love her except it is more of the kind of family type of love rather than one has for a spouse or someone you are interested in dating.
She has changed a lot. But so have I.
For her, she is very narcissistic (I guess we all are to some extent), concerned more about what she wants rather than what is good for the kids. When the kids may interfere with a weekend for her, she responds very passively aggressive by saying that she will cancel her plans, all without even trying to make other adjustments.
She also seems to be trying to live vicariously through the kids, especially our daughter. My XW did not have a very good childhood and a very awkward teenage existence.
Recently, my XW suggested that our daughter spend every other week with her at her place. Of course, I had mixed emotions. I would miss my daughter, concerned that we were further fracturing the family by separating our daughter from her brothers. On the other hand, I saw a positive that if they spent more time together, it may encourage my XW to want a family again.
The part that really concerned me is that my XW works nights Sunday through Wednesday which would leave our daughter at her place alone on those nights. Even though our daughter is 16, I think that is just not a good idea. My XW commented that I live close and that the people that live upstairs in her apartment building could provide assistance if needed.
At first, I relunctantly agreed. A couple of days later, after having a chance to think it over, I spoke with my XW and offered an alternate idea so our D wouldn't be alone. I recommended that our D come over on Thurs - Sat and could also come over Mon - Wed after school whenever they both wanted. Then, during the nights where my XW worked, she could drop off our D at our house.
I asked her what she thought and she said, sounding defeated, whatever I want. I commented that I am very supportive of the two of them spending more time together and my alternate provides more of that without creating a situation where our D is alone a lot.
My D was disappointed too but I discussed almost the same things with her that I discussed with my XW. I further commented to my D that if I were in her shoes, I would've been excited about having a place all to my own but I know that at her age, I am not ready to be on my own yet. I asked her if the focus was more on her spending time with her mom or to have her own place. She said it is to be with mom. My D was sad for a short time and then her attitude really perked up.
She and I caught a couple of movies that night (Twilite & Inkheart) and we had an awesome time. She just smiled when we got home and kept telling me that she had soooooo much fun that evening and was looking forward to the next time the two of us went out.
I know I went on about this particular event but it really made me realize that my XW is far from any sort of healing. Knowing her as well as I do, I know that she was thinking of what she would want (in a teenage mindset) of being on her own instead of thinking as a mom and what's best for her child. And it also become a mini tug of war between her and me over who gets what they want.
The odd thing is that my desire is to give my XW what she wants but I won't do it at the expense of our children or what I believe is right.
I also have another challenge regarding our D and her college plans. My XW has encouraged our D (she says she hasnt) to go away to a four year institution while I have recommended taking advantage of a program our state offers, where she can go for two years to a community college and some state universities, tuition free.
Again, my XW, when she was 18, wanted to get out of her house so badly (and I dont blame her) that she moved away to go to college. I believe she is placing her feelings on our D.
I do understand my D being excited about being on her own. I can relate to it but neither my XW nor I had the option to have a free two year college education. I have paid for both my undergraduate and my XW undergraduate degree. If my kids can avoid two years of room and board (which is more expensive than a state college's tuition), I want to encourage them and will allow them to live at home, at no charge, for those two years.
I have shared that there is a significant cost savings with my D but explained that the decision must be her own. I said she must be prepared for having an additional $10,000 - $20,000 in loans that she could have otherwise avoided.
My XW lives for the moment while I admit that I am much more frugal. I would prefer to be mostly debt free while she has no problems being highly leveraged. I have tried to teach our children to save and be better off financially than their mother and I have been.
My overall goal is to be a good father and, hopefully, a good XH, maybe someday a H again.
Do I belong here or on the Midlife Crisis thread? I know my XW is still deeply entrenched in herself.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
