Is she is or is she ain't (my baby)?

[forward]

Sleeper, I am sorry but I do think we have all been telling you that you need to back off and detach here. The text you sent did not have a good effect. Monitor and back off here....

[sleeper]

She called and apologized.

I do need to back off. This cr@p is getting old.

[sleeper]

She just called back to tell me there's another house for rent in her neighborhood.

Three posibilities:

Guilt.

She wants her kids closer.

She's totally insane. (but it's a fine madness)

[sleeper]

I've had a couple of realizations......

In the beginning of this the counselor (who has known X for years) said, "It's going to be OK, X has a conscience." I didn't quite understand what he meant at the time.

Many things X has done that I didn't understand I now realize were motivated by guilt.

X has wanted me to take food home when I pick up kids.

X wanted me to date others to the extent of trying to fix me up with someone.

X has often mentioned homes for rent near her (I (and kids when I have them) are in a less desirable neighborhood).

X has often commented, "I don't want to hurt anyone."

This could go really deep as much of the tragedy we have faced in our marriage was due to choices she made.

This realization has cut two ways as I don't want her to come back to me due to guilt.

This realization also angers me to some extent.

Whatever the reason (pride?) it's what is needed now.

[sleeper]

No contact since she called to apologize Thursday night. I kinda like it this way. Looking back I was always able to not contact her but her frequently contacting me would cause me to feel comfortable and close to her. We will have contact at kidswap this afternoon.

She has kids next week and will no doubt call me at some time to help her with kids (she loves that cake). That will be the minefield. I plan on being busy with holiday tasks and getting a life. Office party Friday night.

[forward]

Sleeper,
The DB C told me that contact has to be truly limited. You have to let W feel effects of your absence. You really have to start acting like your own SINGLE person. What would you do if she weren't around at all? How would you reshape your life?

DB C coached me to cut contact down so I now go days without seeing or speaking to H. It has been healing. I initiate contact only when needed. When I do have contact, I am nice but I do not do anything to prolong it or sustain it. And until I had to initiate some discussions w/a counselor about our D, I didn't have any contact outside of drop-offs and pickups. I did not want the sessions but felt they are unavoidable.

So...no fixing things around her house. No more favors. (Let her do favors for YOU!) No hanging around her place. No ILYs and flirting. No dinners, no lunches. You've done this and you had some results--but lately you haven't had forward progress. Maybe it is time to mix it up. You can still be friends...but neighbor-over-the-fence friends. Chatty but not so very available as you are!

You made the point the W is afraid of being alone--but at the same time, you never let her feel those effects. If you get back together, she IS going to have to sustain some effort...and decide you are worth making an effort for. If you are there to bail her out every time there is a bug to crush, she will continue to take you for granted.

And Sleeper? You sound like a good guy who's learned some hard lessons. Finish those lessons for yourself now.

[forward]

And if she gets mad...maybe she will just have to get mad. There is no need to fear her anger. You are not married to her and do not need to please her.

So...friendly but NOT SO AVAILABLE. And distant.

[sleeper]

Every once and a while screw up and do something right. Well, I'm certain every once and a while I screw up.

I took kids to x's house this evening. We'd had no contact since Thursday evening. Monday or Tuesday I had suggested we have dinner together as a "family" on Sunday nights to alieveate communication problems. X said it was a good idea at the time but had not mentioned it again. I had begun to think it would only facilitate cake eating (family and single life too).

I called and asked if I could bring the kids to her. She said yes but was pressed for time as she wanted to pick up a prescription before the store closed. When I dropped off kids OM (they are Siamese twins now, never apart) was there.

As I was leaving she mentioned she thought we were having dinner together. I said, "You never mentioned it again and it was 5:30 so I didn't think it was going to happen." She then asked if she could have the kids Christmas Eve and Morning. I responded, "Are you doing drugs, _______?" As I had made this offer earlier in the week in a text message. She mumbled something and then made excuses that she wanted to be sure because she hadn't eaten Thanksgiving dinner with them and wanted to have lunch with them Christmas day. I responded, "You could have eaten with them Thanksgiving if you wanted to." (she was out of town with OM at his parents). She kinda grunted like she couldn't believe I said that and I responded, "Well, you could have, I would have let you have them." (I have never kept the children from her no matter the situation in all this). I ended the convo by saying she could have the kids as I said before but I wasn't sure she could have them as long as she was asking because plans weren't yet finalized with my family. She pressed a little more and I responded, "I'm not saying you can't have them that long, I'm just not totally sure of my plans yet and I don't want to commit to something and then go back on it."

She looked tired/stressed and mentioned weather warnings and that she had to get her perscription (she pays full tilt as she has no inurance now) and can't afford to miss any meds and make herself ill. Severe weather and illness are two of her phobias.

I felt my "are you on drugs?" comment may have been a little too dry in the humor dept and cocky but I resisted texting an apology. I felt I was generous about kids for xmas without being a pushover. Although refering to the fact I would have let her have the kids Thanksgiving I believe she took a double meaning as she chose to be out of town with OM eliminating any possibility of her eating with the kids.

In one fell swoop I managed to cancel a family dinner date with my X on very short notice while necessitating her telling OM she was having dinner with me and the kids and as a bonus I indicated she's acting like she's on drugs and pointed out she chose to be with OM over her children on Thanksgiving.

The really neat part is I didn't plan any of it.

Dumb luck or just plain dumb?

"Hello darkness my old friend.
It's good to see you here again."

[forward]

All right, Sleeper, enough about her. What about you?

[sleeper]

I feel good right now. I've been edgy lately, not sure why. Maybe it's the holidays, the two year mark.

I feel fat (215 lbs) but still don't weigh as much as I did when this started and some of this is muscle. A trainer at the gym said I look much better now than I did when I was 178 lbs about 18 months ago.

I narrowed my auto search to three vehicles I found online and have applied for the loan.

I don't have the kids this week or the week of new year's and I'm just wreckless enough to get into some trouble.

I feel good about interraction with X tonight even though it was a little bit on the edge.

The really neat thing is it just happened and I think she could tell (by the look on her face) that.........

"Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn."