{{{Kristi}}}} I'm a fixer too..that's been one of the TOUGHEST parts of this, for me anyway..AND I'm an "instant mashed potatoes girl" too..(you know..want things fixed quickly)..so you can imagine LOL!!
Kristi..as far as the lonely..manohman..I totally know what you mean..I dunno, like I've said before, if it's tougher with hub being here and being downstairs or tougher if your spouse is gone, probably equally tough depending on what side of the fence you are on..sometimes I do okay and sometimes I miss him like ridiculously..
I guess, especially as the holiday times go on, whether we spend time with our spouses or not, we have to "allow" ourselves to feel this way and not feel guilty about it..I guess the real TRICK is to not let them know we feel that way..it would be unrealistic to think we wouldn't miss them more/feel more "down" about stuff POSSIBLY during this time..tho..I did read on another thread about "family being what you make it", and that friends can be better than family at times LOL
Anyway..I'm rambling..LOL..hope your day is good!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I am back on here, only because, he just sent me a text and I am trying to decide how to respond.
My sister in law..(his sister) is also getting divorced. He comes from a family of divorce so in all honesty this is usually the answer for "fixing" your problems. Anyway his sister 6 little kids with the man she is divorcing. God knows how she handles them all. They are sweet as sugar but I don't have that kind of patience. Apparently #7 is on the way. So he texts me that some people are worse off than we are!! followed by TOTALLY [censored] UP!!! ( Sorry abt the explicts..).. Not sure how to respond or if I should just ignore????
I feel bad for his sister, and it appears he wants to reach out to discuss with me, but I know I need to let go.. So I haven't responded yet.
About the only thing I would suggest, other than no response, is that you might text back that you are sorry to hear that, that the kids will lose out the most. Then nothing else--shut your phone off if you have to.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
SMW is right - either no response or a short sorry to hear this.
This may be a chance for a huge 180 from you. I think he is indeed reaching out or perhaps even baiting you. I bet he will expect you to go into a "it's terrible and it's happening to us too, how could you, why are you doing this?" etc, etc.
Don't bite and stay strong!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I did not respond to the text message. And he never said anything so I felt good about that.
On Tuesdays I have been helping a friend of mine babysit her kids while both her and her boyfiend go to school in the evening. My H said he was going to be at our home to see our kids today around 3:30 and also discussed with kids not me..about taking kids to his moms tonight since they are off school tomorrow.
I have a dr appt today and wasn't sure when I would get home so I sent him an email saying I may be late, and letting him know that friends kids wld be there and I wld be there asap and also I would be taking our daughter to karate. just wanted him to be aware..
His reply...he was stuck in NJ at meeting not coming unitl 9pm and then would take kids ..did this work for me? He would also call to discuss.
My reply...no need to call. just pick them up after 9. S..should be done with b-ball practice by then.
Here is what he said..( I am going to try and paste this...)
There is a need to talk about it. Nevermind.....you can pick the kids up at my mom's on the way to your mom's. I will pick D up at your mom's on Saturday morning if that works best. I will drop her off sometime on Sunday.
Like I said before.... The lack of communication as simple as this makes everything that much more frustrating.
Have a great night and a great Thanksgiving.
Anyway...I didnt' think I wasn't communicating. I thought I was being very to the point and matter of fact. There was no need to call.. how do I respond/or do I do this. At this point I did not. And I wasn't planning to. I was going to just let it go. And let him deal with is anger.
I am so glad that you took what I said the right way and was not offended. Sometimes, though, I guess I think even if at the risk of offense, it somebody will get their eyes open or it will turn them around from what they are doing......I take the chance. But, it is never my intentions to just see how mean I can be ......well.....unless somebody really ticks me off (lol), which you haven't, BTW.
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I don't know if I will go completely dark, but I do think I will just wait until he contacts me about kids. If I have to say something I will send e-mail to avoid getting caught up in too much discussion over the phone.
It is very, very hard to go dark when kids are involved. But, maybe if you are thinking "dark" then it will help you to detach in reality I like the idea of the email instead of the phone, especially untill you get stronger at this.
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I don't think he will come for Thanksgiving but after reading what you said I really wish I would have talked to you guys first. I am quickly learning that coming on this site and waiting for answers it better than making a decision and regretting it later.
I have learned that we can either continue to beat outselves up for what we did in the past, or make the best of the experience by learning from it. So, in this case, I would not bring up the subject of him coming for Thanksgiving anymore. If he brings it up by asking if he is still invited, I'd just tell him that you want him to do whatever he wants to do......it is his decision. If he tries to pull you into that game of, "Well, what do you want me to do? Do you want me there?" Tell him very calmly that you are not getting into that tug of war with him, you gave him an invitation and that is all you are going to say either way about it. The rest is up to him. But, Kristi, if he does come, then don't be cold or rude to him. He will be like your guest (under these circumstances) and you did invite him, so just be friendly (don't over-kill) and polite, like you would treat anyone else.....but don't act married.
I would not bring up the subject of Christmas and wait and see what he says. Since you have always been the "fixer", then he is problably waiting for you to have plans already in the making. If I were you, I would have plans. Plan A, Plan B, Plan c, etc. (lol). Always be prepared. However, I would not discuss those plans with him. Wait to see what he says. As I told you before, with the children involved, you have to consider their feelings and this will be tough on them, but at the same time, I would not let him just eat cake b/c he needs to see what it is like for a D family.
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I don't know why I feel the need to always fix things. I just want everyone to be happy.
That has probably been one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I too am a "fixer" and I didn't even realize it. I use to think if I could tell my baby sister everything to do and not to do that she could be so much happier and not make a lot of mistakes. You know, I thought I was saving her a lot of heartache. When she didn't live her life like I thought she should, I would get so mad! Maybe that is more of a "controller" than a fixer. Anyway, my dad finally told me one day, "Baby, when are you going to learn that you cannot control your sister's life?" I nearly fell over. I didn't realize that was what I was doing! So, I tried to start at that point backing off and trying to stop controlling or fixing. I see a lot of "fixer" in me where my GS in concerned b/c I want to bail him out of his problems when I know in all reality that he must grow up and learn life's lesson just like the rest of us has had to do. I see you as being that type of person that wants everyone to be happy, so I know it is very hard on you. Try to think of it in another light......think of it as putting it all in the hands of God and let Him take care of the problem instead of you. He's bigger, smarter, much more capable and doesn't get all upset about it.
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Sandi..I know you you asked why I would ask him to stay at our house even though we are seperated...I guess that was me being weak or hoping that he would want to come home.
You just showed what a big person you are by admitting that. You still love the guy, but you are still thinking like you are M to him. So, here is what I hope you will put down as one of your goals to work on. Stop thinking, talking, and acting like you are M to your H. Okay?
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I thought we needed to do the "ACT AS IF" thing..so I thought if he were home it would be better.
I don't know if I am understanding what you are saying or if you misunderstood what acting "as if" means in the DR book. That's okay, you are certainly not the first person to not fully grasp the concept b/c when you are under so much stress, it is hard to consentrate. But, look at it this way, whenever it causes a fight.....it isn't working. It is a cheeseless tunnel. So, it worked good when he was home and you DB, but then it turned into a fight whenever he was away. That tells the story. Whatever you were saying or doing when he was gone.....wasn't working. One of the biggest things I see that you need right now is to GAL b/c you are way too focused on him all the time. When he is gone away, that is when you should be busy in whatever you like to do by GAL instead of just thinking of how he should be home.
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My IC is very good. At least from all the therapists I have been too this one seems to be very intelligent and well versed, and really understands what is going on. The problem is she isn't what I would call ...promarriage.
There are some good IC out there (there just has to be ) but I think you have to look around to find the good ones. I have tried before myself and I think you gut tells you if it is not the right one for you. I have heard of too many telling people the same advice as what your gave you. It is as if that is all they know to tell anyone! If she is not pro-marriage.....I would leave and find another one b/c she will try to talk you into getting a D before it is over. Some female IC's act as if they think M is demeaning to women......IMHO.
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I feel bad for his sister, and it appears he wants to reach out to discuss with me, but I know I need to let go.. So I haven't responded yet.
Good job! You can feel compassion for the situation and for all involved, but that is an example of something you cannot fix. If he wants to talk........then he can talk.....you can listen (if you are going partly dark)(gets confussing, doesn't it?). (Remember, never be rude...even while going dark. However, be very, very careful in this b/c it is a trap waiting to happen to get you into a R argument.
If he comes from a long line of D's in his family, then he is kind of like the IC's that think that is the answer to the problems.....just throw out the old, move on with your life, and find someone new. At least he sees where they are really messed up. That should tell him something. Maybe it will dawn on him, why would he want to do the same thing? (We'll hope.)
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At this point I am thinking of not responding.
Kristi, if you are going to go dark, then that is probably the best way to handle it.
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Anyway...I didnt' think I wasn't communicating. I thought I was being very to the point and matter of fact. There was no need to call.. how do I respond/or do I do this. At this point I did not. And I wasn't planning to. I was going to just let it go. And let him deal with is anger.
Well, this is what gets very complicated about DB.....the different angles that you can approach. However, if you are going to go dark....then you have the right idea.....don't respond to what he said and let him get glad in the same rags he got mad in. He still wants it both ways and if he is filing for a D.....he just can't have it that way. The sooner he realizes it the better. The thing that has amazed me here on this board is reading all the LBW tell how their H's who have filed for a D, then tried to turn that thing around and make it sound as if the wife is the one that is not trying!! Like it is all her fault they are getting a D. What has he tried to do to stop the D? That is what I'd like to know. When he starts showing some signs of changing his mind about getting a D and accept the responsibility for his breakdown in the M, then there is a lot of hope, but right now it is much too easy for him to just blame you from everything to not communicating enough to your family not being very receptive of him. Pleeeease! Give me a break! As long as he is in the mode, you can't win. So, that is why you must detach or go dark and hope he will see the light.
Continue to take care of yourself and keep improving.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You ask what he did to try and stop the D. Honestly I can't say for sure anything. He did read DB, but he wasn't willing to review it with me or discuss it. He didn't want to talk about applying any of the techinques involved, he just said there was a lot of good points. Actually right after he filed for the D, before I knew about it, he read another book called how to save the marriage, it was a e-book that I had downloaded and he said he would read it. Again his comments were.."alot of valid points, maybe we can discuss later" Later never came and he never applied any of the techiques, which were very similiar to the db priniciples.
I believe in his mind just reading the books validated that he "attempted" to work on the marriage. But he never actually tried to do anything they said because most of the principles would have him doing things that would cause him to do things other than what he was doing and that would be very uncomfortable for him. Also I believe he felt as if I were pushing him to do it, and I am sure I was. So he didn't . Because of that he had no interest.
So I wouldn't say there wasn't any trying. I think he made attempts, but then failed to follow through out of fear or just because he felt too pressured my me. It was easier for him to see his way out of the pain by filing for the divorce then to work through it and apply a few of these techiniques and see where that would lead us. I attempt, most of our arguments stemmed from me insisting that we could make it work by just trying to do what all these books recommended.
But I see now that I have to so it solo and now involve him in the program and hope that he will come to his own conclusion to work on it, if it isn't too late already.
I am getting tired of taking all the blame. He blames me for everything. I have sucked it up for the entire year. I have apologized profusly for my behavior yet it has gotten me nowhere. He still seems so injured and yet I was the one who was cheated on. I think the hardest part about going dark and/or detaching is listening to him blame me more even though I recognize it isn't me. I just want to shout back... Do you hear yourself...ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! But I won't, I will just walk away.
My 10 year anniversary is coming up Dec 19th, I am so sad about that. I really had big dreams and plans for this one. And it is very depressing to see where we are right now.
BTW..nothing you said offending me...I really needed to hear what you said. Please keep it coming. You are fabulous!!!
Anyway, my dad finally told me one day, "Baby, when are you going to learn that you cannot control your sister's life?" I nearly fell over. I didn't realize that was what I was doing! So, I tried to start at that point backing off and trying to stop controlling or fixing. I see a lot of "fixer" in me where my GS in concerned b/c I want to bail him out of his problems when I know in all reality that he must grow up and learn life's lesson just like the rest of us has had to do. I see you as being that type of person that wants everyone to be happy, so I know it is very hard on you. Try to think of it in another light......think of it as putting it all in the hands of God and let Him take care of the problem instead of you. He's bigger, smarter, much more capable and doesn't get all upset about it. 
) but I think you have to look around to find the good ones. I have tried before myself and I think you gut tells you if it is not the right one for you. I have heard of too many telling people the same advice as what your gave you. It is as if that is all they know to tell anyone! If she is not pro-marriage.....I would leave and find another one b/c she will try to talk you into getting a D before it is over. Some female IC's act as if they think M is demeaning to women......IMHO.