New Me - Will WAW ever notice?

[Superstar]

I'm going out on a limb here, and I know that this is anti-DB, or at least modified DB ala PDT and PNXD, but I get two feelings from your sitch:

1) She doesn't respect you. At all.
2) You are wasting your time with her right now.

As long as OM is in the picture, anything and everything positive you do is negated, and everything you do that could be construed as negative is amplified. Do you not see this? Is it just me?

I don't know...this whole coddling of a cheater just rubs me wrong. Don't go out of your way to be evil to her, but don't go out of your way to be nice to her either. Civil and no more.

I mean, she is CHEATING on you AND she filed for DIVORCE, AFTER she started the cheating. I just feel like you are way too close to her right now and she is taking you for a ride.

My advice?

Disappear and detach. Let her figure it out on her own.

[davidswife]

I agree w/Superstar -- she's dependent on you -- let her figure it out on her own.


dw

[Kakatal]

W calls. Asks if I wanted to talk - sure. W apologizes for being in such a bad mood at dinner. Said that she has a lot on her mind & I'm sorry. I tell her thank you for acknowledging that - I appreciate it.

I ask w if she felt that she wasted her time earlier talking with me. She says no, just that talking helps to resolve emotional issues - it's therapeutic. But it doesn't solve any financial issues - those still exist. Asks why I asked her this. I respond that when she showed up at house she was short & pissed off; left house in same exact mood so I felt that she probably just looked at the entire conversation as a waste of her time. She said no, she was glad to have talked, just didn't solve anything. [Duh, she told me not to fix her issues, just listen. Can't fix her financial mess for her - not going to give her any money]

She again says she just wanted to call to apologize. Say thanks again. Says to have a good time tomorrow. Have a good nite - bye & I hang up.

[Kakatal]

I'm going out on a limb here, and I know that this is anti-DB, or at least modified DB ala PDT and PNXD, but I get two feelings from your sitch:

1) She doesn't respect you. At all.
2) You are wasting your time with her right now.

As long as OM is in the picture, anything and everything positive you do is negated, and everything you do that could be construed as negative is amplified. Do you not see this? Is it just me?

I don't know...this whole coddling of a cheater just rubs me wrong. Don't go out of your way to be evil to her, but don't go out of your way to be nice to her either. Civil and no more.

I mean, she is CHEATING on you AND she filed for DIVORCE, AFTER she started the cheating. I just feel like you are way too close to her right now and she is taking you for a ride.

My advice?

Disappear and detach. Let her figure it out on her own.

Go back & read my sitch - current one is fine. I have gone back & forth on dealing with my w as a cheater. One of my w's many issues is codependency. Not surprised where she is at right now in trying to get me to help her. She needs IC.

I read what you posted & thought about it for an hour. I agree that I do not believe my w has much respect for me. I agree that with OM in picture she will not see me any different. But both PNXD & D67 see positives in the sitch that I can't see when I focus on the negative feelings that one gets when dealing with a cheating spouse.

Problem is that w watches our 2 kids every day, saving me childcare costs. I cannot get away from her & disappear. My sitch is what it is. Just playing the hand I am dealt.

I feel that I need to be able to look my kids in the face when they are older & be able to honestly tell them that their dad did everything he could to work on fixing his marriage to their mom. I want to do what I feel is the right thing to do, regardless of how it looks (enabling, cake eating, coddling). High road is the only one that I feel is the right path for me to be walking, especially when I have no expectations. If she ends up divorcing me, great! Frees me to find someone who will appreciate all that I am currently doing. End result is that I become the better person through all of this.

[JWM]

Kakatal, I've read your entire thread and I think you are right on track with handling your W. She does have respect for you. She honors the boundries you setup about the OM phone calls and she comes to you for advice.

My bet is that the OM will begin to see her in a new light soon and that will be that. She is too stressed out to be very pleasent to anyone.

[gucci loafer]

I feel that I need to be able to look my kids in the face when they are older & be able to honestly tell them that their dad did everything he could to work on fixing his marriage to their mom.

Doing everything you can could mean getting strong, letting go and demanding respect. That is what is needed here. You don't seem to want to see that. Don't fool yourself with the thinking that you are taking the high road. What you have been doing is NOT working. Seems like you are the only one who doesn't want to see that. She is crying out for you to get some backbone here. She knows deep down inside that she is walking all over you. A woman can't have feelings of love when they don't have respect.
Women RESPECT men who stand up to them. AND getting her respect can most definitely lead to loving feelings coming back. That is the reason why you have to demand RESPECT FIRST. (first rule of order) She can't feel good about herself now because she knows she is treating you terribly, and yet you take it again and again. For some unknown reason, you seem to think this is "taking the high road." Would you rather be right or be married?

You seriously need to re-evaluate your methods. They are not working. You haven't tried letting go and getting strong yet and showing her that you will NOT tolerate her actions anymore. You have not shown her that YOU are taking charge now and making the best decisions for YOU, and if that includes divorce and such... So be it. You are confusing being a doormat with doing everything. You will feel much better about yourself when you take the bull by the horns and become a man of action and decisiveness instead of following her lead. Women are not attracted to men like this. Your situation proves this yet again.

I recommend you re-evaluate your method of handling this and stop going by your "feelings." As you may well know, feelings are not the best way to run your life.

[Distressed67]

I feel that I need to be able to look my kids in the face when they are older & be able to honestly tell them that their dad did everything he could to work on fixing his marriage to their mom.

Doing everything you can could mean getting strong, letting go and demanding respect. That is what is needed here. You don't seem to want to see that. Don't fool yourself with the thinking that you are taking the high road. What you have been doing is NOT working. Seems like you are the only one who doesn't want to see that. She is crying out for you to get some backbone here. She knows deep down inside that she is walking all over you. A woman can't have feelings of love when they don't have respect.
Women RESPECT men who stand up to them. AND getting her respect can most definitely lead to loving feelings coming back. That is the reason why you have to demand RESPECT FIRST. (first rule of order) She can't feel good about herself now because she knows she is treating you terribly, and yet you take it again and again. For some unknown reason, you seem to think this is "taking the high road." Would you rather be right or be married?

You seriously need to re-evaluate your methods. They are not working. You haven't tried letting go and getting strong yet and showing her that you will NOT tolerate her actions anymore. You have not shown her that YOU are taking charge now and making the best decisions for YOU, and if that includes divorce and such... So be it. You are confusing being a doormat with doing everything. You will feel much better about yourself when you take the bull by the horns and become a man of action and decisiveness instead of following her lead. Women are not attracted to men like this. Your situation proves this yet again.

I recommend you re-evaluate your method of handling this and stop going by your "feelings." As you may well know, feelings are not the best way to run your life.

This is all fine and good for a man that has been a pushover thoughout the M. Unfortunately K has not. If I understand correctly he has been an angry, overbearing a-hole who has always needed to be right at any cost. She has felt powerless throughout the M and now is reveling in it. Sucks for K but not for her. Is her A right, hell no and it should stop but your in a catch 22.

If you go the PDT way and demand that she stop seeing him or else, I would bet money on the fact that she will be gone and you will be in court fighting a custody battle. However going the path K has chosen makes him vulnerable to being taken advantage of but I think that is the way to go at this time. The OM lives in AK and they do not see each other everyday and gives K a chance to show his best side.

Will she acknowleadge anything good, NO, will she look at the bad, YES but this is typical WAW BullSh**. She does come to you for advice, she seems to care how you feel and does resect your boundries you have layed down. Could she be using you, hell ya but I thinks its your best chance right now to possibly win her back.

She is not batchitt crazy just very, very confused and frustrated at the moment and with your bouncing back and forth between being nice and being your old self she does not know who you are.

Whether you win her back or not you need to work on yourself and become happy with that person and consistant. If in 4 months you get a divorce you will still have to co-parent with her and its much easier if you are friendly with her. You will have to work out visitation and finances with her.

Do what you want here K but you know how you have been in the past and you need to do the opposite. You need to be happy with how you handle it and need to live with yourself.

Tim

[Kakatal]

Doing everything you can could mean getting strong, letting go and demanding respect. That is what is needed here. You don't seem to want to see that. Don't fool yourself with the thinking that you are taking the high road. What you have been doing is NOT working. Seems like you are the only one who doesn't want to see that. She is crying out for you to get some backbone here. She knows deep down inside that she is walking all over you. A woman can't have feelings of love when they don't have respect.

Women RESPECT men who stand up to them. AND getting her respect can most definitely lead to loving feelings coming back. That is the reason why you have to demand RESPECT FIRST. (first rule of order) She can't feel good about herself now because she knows she is treating you terribly, and yet you take it again and again. For some unknown reason, you seem to think this is "taking the high road." Would you rather be right or be married?

You seriously need to re-evaluate your methods. They are not working. You haven't tried letting go and getting strong yet and showing her that you will NOT tolerate her actions anymore. You have not shown her that YOU are taking charge now and making the best decisions for YOU, and if that includes divorce and such... So be it. You are confusing being a doormat with doing everything. You will feel much better about yourself when you take the bull by the horns and become a man of action and decisiveness instead of following her lead. Women are not attracted to men like this. Your situation proves this yet again.

I recommend you re-evaluate your method of handling this and stop going by your "feelings." As you may well know, feelings are not the best way to run your life.

First off thanks for your comments - appreciate your insight. I do agree with the respect issue as you have laid it out.

I had a great day yesterday with my kids - went to zoo, only thought couple times about w. I read all the replies to my thread before I headed out on my trip & thought about my situation at times while driving around southern CA.

When my w as experiencing the euphoria of her A in July, she demanded the D. She wanted to escape to be with this OM in AK & signed papers to allow her to do just that. She wanted to stay for 1 yr to help me out with daycare but also because OM lives with his parents & building an apt over their garage for them which will be completed in Sept 09, which is when she planned to move there permanently.

What she agreed to was - no alimony, no child support, no touching my retirement, I get the house, timeshare, tax deductions & all the debt - she owes me 10K & starts paying it off next Sept. I GET OUR KIDS! Primary physical custody - 80% of the year, she has to pay all visitation transportation costs. That is all signed, sealed & delivered to the court.

When I was very down about the end of my m in Aug, I kept a level head & got the best terms I could for the D - she proposed almost all of them. I read most threads here & NOTHING is worse than the LBS who go from seeing their kids daily to having split or very limited visitation. Then have to spend major $$$ paying lawyers and usually get screwed over in court - sell house, alimony, etc. I paid $125 - half cost of the mediator to draw up the above agreement. My kids are not moving with her to AK!

The main reason I am handling things the way I am is not to fix my m, it is to preserve the above agreement with regards to my kids & their future. My w is not someone I really want to be with right now - she has MAJOR psychological issues that she needs to deal with. I won't want her back unless she changes - I welcome the D since I will be free of her.

So why piss her off more? Why provoke her by trying to demand respect? Why give her some ultimatum about the OM? None of that is going to help me right now. If my w brought up reconciling the m & wanted to try to work things out, then I would agree that your advice would be warranted. Right now though that is not the case in my sitch.

I want to preserve the agreement I have - something she is now starting to question since reality is hitting her hard. If I get used over the next few months by w but I am able to keep the D based on the already agreed to terms - so what. W has no intention on working on the m so not going to bother with hope that will change anytime soon.

I have saved myself - read my 1st thread if you want some insight into just how close minded I was & the issues I have had to deal with. Saving my m is something that would be great but not the focus for doing what I am doing. It's all about me & my kids now!

[Kakatal]

Kakatal, I've read your entire thread and I think you are right on track with handling your W. She does have respect for you. She honors the boundaries you setup about the OM phone calls and she comes to you for advice.

My bet is that the OM will begin to see her in a new light soon and that will be that. She is too stressed out to be very pleasant to anyone.

Thanks for stopping by & reading the entire thread. Appreciate the support. She truly is unpleasant to be around right now. Feeling sorry for my kids today for having to deal with her.

[Kakatal]

W showed up this AM, still sulking. Asked D9 how zoo was. D9 kept describing all the animals we had seen. W just stared at table, floor, etc. I was smiling back at her & D9, kept the conversation going with D9. Just feeling very good today - happy to have had a great time with my kids yesterday. Not going to allow w to drag me down into her mess.

Asked w if she could watch kids late Wed night since I need haircut - OK. Also I plan on leaving for Vegas early Friday so I will drop kids off at her cousins house - ok. Thanks & cya tonight.