ie. most often I am annoyed with having to go to h instead of him comming to me (an old pattern returning)...so tonight after putting the kids to bed I went and sat outside on the hammock....h came down and sat on the picknic table nearby
This was good. You found something that broke the pattern, and it seemed to work! Keep small things like this in your mind. Anything to change the rythym of the dance a bit.
so I guess for me it's sit back...breath in...breath out...keep busy...keep happy...try not to let resentment show or build and see what happens from there.
I guess, for right now anyway, that will work. However, both you and I know that this won't last for long. If you have ANY thoughts of taking over the WAW role, we both know that SOMETHING has to be different. I also know that the "it takes time and patience" is something that you're probably tired of hearing. Those words can only take you so far.
"Punting" IS one option, but that's almost kind of an act of "giving up" for you. It just seems to lead you to more frustation. I can understand why having some R talks is important to you, and there's really nothing in the "rules" forbidding that. Especially in your stage of the game.
I think that one thing that's going to be key to your reaching "stage 5" again is NOT going to be avoiding these talks, just because you don't seem to be the type of person that can do that comfortably. You might want to look at some ways to address this stuff more effectively for both of you, without avoiding it.
But, of course, I think you know all this already!
I don't have an immediate "fix" for you here, my dear, but maybe as we go through these steps, we might be able to find something that will work better for you.
You have at least got him back on your side of the fence, even though it doesn't seem like he's fully "vested" into the deal. I'm sure that there are some ways to get him to fully buy back into your relationship. The "hammock" deal makes it sound like there IS hope. We just need to find the right combination here!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
It was a great weekend. Got some really good talks.
I asked him what popped out at him while reading the book. He mentioned the wife nagging pushing the husband away. He gets it! He realized that I wanted to spend time with him and approached it badly, resulting in him being pushed away.
We had some other really good talks, but I already posted the best parts on my thread!
This thread is really helping me...keep up the great work JJ!
Most of the ideas behind Michele's methods are centered around "solution-oriented thinking". As she says, these ideas aren't so difficult, and they can be simply common sense, but common sense can be the first thing to go when it comes to emotionally charged relationship issues!
In the first three stories that Michele talks about, what really struck the biggest chord with you?
What were your thoughts about Florence and Pete, and even though Pete didn't want to do things Florence's way didn't mean that he didn't want to work on their marriage?
What about Mary and her husband, and the changes that occured when she found ways to stop pushing her husband's "negative buttons, and started pushing a few of his "positive" buttons instead?
What about Rob and Ellen, and how the changes that HE made single-handedly helped to cause a turnaround in their marriage?
What are YOUR thoughts on any of the following questions?
"If one partner can trigger change in another, why do we spend so much time trying to convince our partners to change first?"
"Why do I have to be the one to change?"
"What if I push the wrong button?"
"My spouse and I are barely speaking (or are separated). If I change my approach to things, will my spouse even notice?"
"Isn't it manipulative to try to change someone?"
"Why should I believe that anything I do will make a difference when it hasn't before?"
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Well, PnT, I'm glad that your old dog learned some new stuff! Now that he knows that your "nagging" isn't always meant to be a bad thing, it will be interesting to see what new kinds of things can happen for you!
I'm so happy for you that your weekend went great!
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: This thread is really helping me...keep up the great work JJ!
I'm so glad it's helping! However, I'm only asking a bunch of questions. YOU all are the one's doing all of the great work!!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
It would be soooooooooo much easier if we could just tell our loved one what's bothering us and they would simply make the change.
But over and over again...wouldn't that be boring? Would we love them more? Probably not.
But there are moments when I sure wish so.
I think this helps us grow as people. To have to come to this struggle. Builds character? Coming to these struggles with my SO.....and truly changing....helps me with my relationships with my children, my coworkers, my friends....my whole life.
So.....well, I'm proof it's true. On either side. When I make the changes, he changes too. When I return to "more of the same" behavior...well, I get more of the same?
Manipulative? I guess everything we do is to some extent.
In the long run, if its for our common happiness, its a good thing. Its good for each of us, it's good for the relationship. It's good for our children, it's good for the world.
(I'm waxing philosophical. I sound sorta like PHOENIX!!!)
I think it's good to let our partners changes manipulate us too. My partner's on vacation.....he was sweet enough to bring me flowers and make extra time for me before he left....even though he was incredibly busy at work, at home and getting ready for the trip..........so...I'm giving him the gift of not calling him. Don't anybody laugh at me. Well, ok, if you want.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"You don't need to analyze why you're stuck in order to solve your marital problems."
What do you think about that statement?
If you already "understand" that your having problems with your relationship because your partner's been "diagnosed" with family-of-origin issues, MLC, PMS, depression, etc., do you still feel "stuck" for solutions to the problem?
What things in the "cause-hunting" cycle can you see that you are blaming them for, and which they are blaming YOU for?
Have you ever tried to do anything that helped to break this cycle, and, if so, what positive results did you see?
Do you feel that you "think small" enough? Are you doing anything to "celebrate" any small, positive change that you have helped to create?
Can you add any ideas of small "baby steps" that Michele has listed to look for?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: Do you know any couples who have overcome their feelings of violation and betrayal, and gone on to have a better marriage?
Has your opinion about the chances of a marriage surviving through infidelity changed from what you may have thought before it happened to you? Possibly went from "no way", to "maybe"?
it's funny, because i remarked to my mom the other day "you hear about all the scandulous breakups, but you never hear about those that stay together" - i have found since the bomb has been dropped on me that 5 couple friends of ours have lived thru infidelity and STAYED together. imagine that, we had NO idea - no idea there were problems, no idea that there was an affair
i told my h during our entire time together that if he ever did to me what he did to his first wife (affair) i would leave him lock, stock and barrel. but when actually faced with that decision i decided against it (imagine his shock) - now i am working harder than ever to keep this marriage, despite his feelings on whether i can ever forgive (i think i have) or not
Well, knowing that I suffer from depression means different things to different people. My brother thinks I should be on anti-meds the rest of my life. Thanks to my mom's help and Michele, I've experimented with different things to figure out what I can do to ease symptoms. So...I think having a diagnosis can be a double-edged sword. Some people become limited in their solution search...the trick is to be more creative once you have the diagnoses.
On the other hand...I have this weird situation with my husband.
He STILL thinks he's the cause of my depression. I've told him everyway I know how that it's a chemical thing. He insists on blaming himself.
Finally, this past weekend, I said, ok, it's possible you are partly to blame for my depression. Here's how.
When I first began dating you, I saw that you ate sandwiches all the time. I saw how you ate and wanted to eat that way too!
All that bread is too much carbs for my system to handle. Now, when I stick to Atkins and limit my carbs, my depression goes completely away. So, if you are to blame for my depression, its for eating so many yummy sandwiches!
We talked about my thyroid problems and difficulty with weight loss. I hope he understands that he's not to blame. But if not..I'm hoping that living with me depression free will convince him!
