I wonder what his reaction would have been if you'd said, "you didn't have a problem leaving me." Maybe OW's a bit of a mess herself, or is playing like one in order to guilt-trip him into staying with her. Doesn't really matter, though. I'm with Kalni and RTL-- don't put your life on hold for him.
Hi everyone..thankyou so much for your thought and for reading all this nonsense!
..I wont resuce, but I KNOW he wouldnt talk to anyone else like that or show them the man behind the mask, not even his two BMF.. I suspect he is almost suicidal again. You cant walk away from someone who is suicidally depressed and confiding in you.. I will do what the books on depression say, just 'be there' for him. I have been his BF for 12 years and I still will be, even if we are no longer together. Its ok, I get it. I dont think he can give me anything anymore. I told him, I am always here for you, you can call me anytime. I cant expect him to and he's with her now, so I cant do much anyway!
Andabelle.. I think OW is defo a mess! Probably in love with him, not enlightened and not good for him. I think he did have a problem leaving though, he was racked with guilt and suicidally depressed within 1-2 months of moving out! He still did it though. I dont really understand what the last year or so has been about??
So tonight.. I dragged my BMF out and a girl from college and we met the mature students network and had a ball! We went for drinks and food and I have to admit I was very funny and had the whole group laughing all night! Made me realise THATS what he loved about me, and who could blame him! I got chatted up by a hot Italian visiting (yay) and it felt good. I felt happy and alive. Thats 2 nights in a row of laughter
Yes Kel.. amazing hey. Like you say, wait and see. HA!...my stars for tommorow! (Kalni!??)
The moods and self-perpetuated drama that another continues to cook up is slightly interesting, mildly entertaining, but nearly always has a very short shelf life. A little of this 'poor me' nonsense goes an awfully long way. While your friend, ex or frenemy continues to writhe in self-induced victimization (real or imagined) you see the pattern, feel bored and detach. It's an organic process. There's no effort or action required on your part. You simply let go of the rope and allow Ms. or Mr. Poor Me to fly away home - without you. Feels good, doesn't it?
I have never posted to you but I've been reading your thread for months now.
What an excellent explanation yuor Mum gave, you are so lucky to have her by your side!
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
My Mum said to me that men do this and then feel like they cant go back... they worry about leaving the ow ironically, that they will hurt their feelings and they worry too much damage has been done to you...its too late to go back, so why even try? I couldnt believe her, but seems, that is how it is! He was saying something like, he didnt know how to get out of it, however he thought about it, he would be upsetting someone. This makes me mad (I didnt show it) as how can he compare a 3 month R to a 10 year connection!!? Its not comparable. BUT.. he has already hurt me, its done, he doesnt have to redo that does he.
My H has told me pretty much the same thing. He wouldn't have started it now, but since it happened - there is nothing he can do about it. It's too late.
I don't know if friendship is really the answer here. For me friendship is sacred and I can hardly pretend that I'm in a "frienship mode". Friends don't hurt each other so brutally, neither they betray or lie. I can easily forgive my H, already did, but it seems impossible for me to be friends with him. And his attempts to stomp on my heart gently just make it worse.
Then again, if you really feel that compassionate friendship, may be you can do it.
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
PS. After I posted I noticed the new thread by Puppy Dog Tails "Should you be their best friend?"! Can't wait for the discussion to unfold!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Ali, I've been following along, eager to hear how everything went with him the other night, and...I don't even know what to say. Wow...just...intense!! How do you feel now about him/yourself/your R/OW?
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
..I wont resuce, but I KNOW he wouldnt talk to anyone else like that or show them the man behind the mask, not even his two BMF.. I suspect he is almost suicidal again. You cant walk away from someone who is suicidally depressed and confiding in you.. I will do what the books on depression say, just 'be there' for him. I have been his BF for 12 years and I still will be, even if we are no longer together. Its ok, I get it. I dont think he can give me anything anymore. I told him, I am always here for you, you can call me anytime. I cant expect him to and he's with her now, so I cant do much anyway!
Ali, as you know, I have been suicidal to one degree or another for a very large chunk of my life--the prospect has not completely left me for any length of time since I was 13. The best thing for him, if he is depressed/suicidal again (and it does recur in a lot of people) is if he would get medical/psych treatment for what he is going through. All you can do is to encourage him to consult the doctors and what you have already done--tell him you are there for him anytime. However, you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT take on responsibility for his state of mind in a long-term fashion. In an emergency, yes, you do what has to be done to get through it. But in the long run, a person with depression has to take on the burden of managing it himself, with suitable medical help. This is not to say that you can't express concern or give your opinion. But in the final analysis...we depressives have to save ourselves. It is too much to expect anyone else to be responsible for our lives. After almost 30 years of living with my depression, I finally learned this. Does this make sense or am I talking gibberish?
So...I am thrilled for you that you finally had your big talk that you have been so focused on for months, and got a lot of things out on the table. I hope that this enables you to get out of this place where you have been "stuck" emotionally, constantly analyzing every action or non-action by him and what it means, and get on with being fabulous ALI!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
P.S. In the midst of all the turmoil...how's your NaNo wordcount? Lesson for the day: life goes on its merry way regardless of emotional blowouts, breakups, etc...and you can STILL win at NaNo!
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Ali, What an excellent explanation yuor Mum gave, you are so lucky to have her by your side
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
My Mum said to me that men do this and then feel like they cant go back... they worry about leaving the ow ironically, that they will hurt their feelings and they worry too much damage has been done to you...its too late to go back, so why even try? I couldnt believe her, but seems, that is how it is! He was saying something like, he didnt know how to get out of it, however he thought about it, he would be upsetting someone. This makes me mad (I didnt show it) as how can he compare a 3 month R to a 10 year connection!!? Its not comparable. BUT.. he has already hurt me, its done, he doesnt have to redo that does he.
My H has told me pretty much the same thing. He wouldn't have started it now, but since it happened - there is nothing he can do about it. It's too late.
I cross-posted with Stella, so wanted to quickly respond to this! My H said more or less the same thing, except that he didn't really say he wouldn't do it now (how could he? he'd just been with her only hours before this conversation!!). During the bomb conversation, he kept talking about how he didn't want to hurt OW, especially since she had always had trouble attracting men because of her weight--even though he'd only met her in person 3 days earlier and hadn't known she existed 4 months earlier! Not a word about not wanting to hurt ME, or concern about MY feelings...although we had been together for 22 years! Yep, something is screwy here!!! I don't think it's just men though...SirPrizeMe's W seems to have given him a similar speech.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Lesson for the day: life goes on its merry way regardless of emotional blowouts, breakups, etc...and you can STILL win at NaNo!