Wow! I hope you were able to get a lot of what you needed from this tonight.
I completely agre w/ Jeff as he is an absolute mess. The last thing he needs is romance. He needs help and he may not ever be in a position to forgive himself.
I'm concerned you may switch into "rescue mode" and try and save him, which would put you right back where you started from. I'm also concerned you may continue to wait for him to come around again when in fact, he may never come around again.
This was so incredibly revealing for you, but scary to learn none-the-less.
Get some rest then I'll check back on you tomorrow and see what your reflections may be.
I'm glad you got your meeting and I'm in your corner as always.
Wow - Ali, What an R talk!!! Puts mine to shame. A few things I found interesting. First, when your H said, he's in too deep. Jody told me that if my H had an OW, that he would feel he had passed the bridge of no return with me. So your H confirms that. My opinion, just drop the OW issue for now. Remember, the OW was only the vehicle for him to leave. He needed something positive & for whatever reason she was it. (I never knew who my H's OW was or maybe still is - but I suspect a co-worker, who became his roommate. & now from what little he has told me - they are not friends & she moved out).
When my H first left, he said he felt angry & guilty at himself. Yours sounds that way too. My guess is that men are not honest at times because they don't want to hurt us women. Ofcourse they are not seeing the big picture, only what is in front of their face at the moment. So - ofcourse he doesn't want to hurt OW either. Does your H run away from other problems as well?
Put the patient pent in your pocket & wait it out. He has to figure this out for himself. I think his R is ready to blow up. If he will let you, just be his happy carefree friend & show him fun times.
Your R talks were great, but I would back off w/them & let them sink in.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
You know I have read what happened. Checked first thing in the morning. I am not sure what I want to say just yet. Because I am not sure you would like what I want to say... I'll think about it some more. I will post later. Hope you are OK xxx K
Ditto to Kalni's post. Not like me to be stuck for words! I am shocked or surprised and also unsure what to say. I know you will be going over it with a fine tooth comb so will just keep reading.
I have a feeling you will come up with your own conclusions. I am really pleased you had a good night though. I am concerned he wasn't sober tho' when all this was said maybe a good thing-trying to be positive here. I will wait and see. ((())))
Yes Ali, I just finally caught up. Knew something happened after your post to me this am. Just wait. Wait and see. But don't stop your life. You know what I mean.
I'm just amazed. And beyond this I really don't know what to say right now.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Hey girls..SORRY FOR THE LONG POSTS! just got in, busy day. I dont know what to say either! Shocking yes. I am not that surprised how it went.. me and my BFF said, if me and him talk we will probably just cry the whole time (we did, him more than me, we had to share a tissue and then went onto sleeves!).
Besides the depression, me and him have zero chance whilst he chooses to be with her (couldnt get to the bottom of why he stays with her, even if it did start drunk at a work do)...it got late, 1am, he needed the toilet. I'd have liked to ask more about it. I am also unclear about his feelings for her, but he did say, he wasnt sure what he was doing now, or if it was what he wanted, or what he wanted. He is very very lost and tormented and the look in his eyes made me want to weep. He is having a breakdown I think.
He said it had been good to work so hard lately as it gave him something to think of and be tired, else he is left thinking whats the point of it all. I dont think I am being melodramatic, he looks bad.
My Mum said to me that men do this and then feel like they cant go back... they worry about leaving the ow ironically, that they will hurt their feelings and they worry too much damage has been done to you...its too late to go back, so why even try? I couldnt believe her, but seems, that is how it is! He was saying something like, he didnt know how to get out of it, however he thought about it, he would be upsetting someone. This makes me mad (I didnt show it) as how can he compare a 3 month R to a 10 year connection!!? Its not comparable. BUT.. he has already hurt me, its done, he doesnt have to redo that does he.
He is still with her. He also said, he wasnt sure it was what he wanted and he didnt know what he was doing, but it had been REALLY good to see me, lovely..which was so nice to hear. So I think he is weighing it up, but he's in such a mess, I cant see it ending it with her. He needs to though, and be on his own !!!
She is, as Jody and my other two C's said, probably in love with him, probably into him all year and she was the one that pounced on him at the office do (yes Jeff, he was vunerable and no doubt very very drunk). My ex is very honourable (never had a one night stand, doesnt flirt with womab, never picked up a girl in a bar, only slept with a few long terms gf's..) so for him, crossing that line was it. Thats what he said "But stuff has happened... " and I knew he meant...I have had s*x with her.
I am worried, he is either in danger of, or nearly is, suicidally depressed. As for me an him, no chance whilst he is in this state. All I can do is be there for him, be his compassionate friend.
Yes that is all you can do. Also they feel like they can't go back, but by being there being his friend, that could change as he starts to feel better. I hope he doesn't do anything dramatic.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
so will just keep reading.