Um, in answer to your question.. I dont feel 'safe' to do it in public, I feel its the sort of convo I would rather have at home.
Why? what are you expecting to happen? I think that if you want to have the conversation, you have to do it with NO expectations. At all- not a single one. If you expect anything, based on his previous reactions I'd expect him to go all quiet and then apologise and then run away, but you know him best- I'd like to hear what your expectations are the the 'big talk' if you decide to have it.
Originally Posted By: Ali
Also, yes it was what I wanted, but when it comes down to it, I, like the WAS am perhaps a giant coward and 'cant face it'. I dont know what to say, how to say it, or how he'll reaact.
For this reason I think it would be good to have a plan of what you want to say and a map of your expectations if you decide to say it (see above). IMHO having a discussion is not necessary to get closure- it would be highly unusual for a walkaway partner to explain their actions to their ex, especially a year after they left. You need to decide for yourself what your boundaries are and whether you accept the situation and let go, or keep fighting. Whatever he says shouldn't make a difference to that (or I'd have given up on my H months ago!)
Originally Posted By: Ali
Either I try a few tentative things (like, its been hard to not see you for 3 months, hows it going with helen!?) or I tell him whatever I want, or, like you say, I go easy this time and let him be more comfrotable for a 'frist' meeting and then try and have a heart to heart at the next meeting, possibly if he will agree to come to the house.
What is your goal? From what I read previously on this thread and the two before it, your goal was to have the conversation with him. It seemed like it was a pressing need. However, today it seems as though the need isn't that pressing. what if he won't agree to come to the house? can you wait? IMHO it's much more common to meet your ex at the pub, in a public place, than at home in private. It's difficult to explain a trip to the house to the OW (or OM), but easier to explain a trip to the pub because there's no risk of any horizontal jogging.....BTW, I'm not suggesting that you aim for the second meeting at home. I'm trying to get to what you want/need to acheive.....
Originally Posted By: Ali
This was Jody's suggestion, he wont want to go there the first time you meet up, you'd need to see him and have a stress free meeting the first time, as its been so awkward being out of contact.
It's been awkward for you, but I think it's an assumption that being out of touch has been awkward for him, right? I mean, he hasn't said it's been awkward for him has he? This is splitting hairs a bit, but I don't think you should formulate a plan based on an assumption. It's not good science!
Originally Posted By: Ali
I dont know, I was desperate to have it out with him, but maybe I'm too cr*p, afraid of his reaction to do it?
Well, I don't think it's a reflection of you being rubbish, and IMHO this is the kind of negative self-talk that causes depression. I don't want to hear it from you again The situation is difficult- it's not surprising that you're worried and concerned about the outcome.
Originally Posted By: Ali
I wanted to ask you a question, I'll post on your thread. Thanks for your help!
In answer to the question, I deal with the aubergine by generally not thinking about her. She's a bandage that my H is using to plaster over his MLC and she's really not a patch on me, apart from in the downing pints department, which I'm not interesting in competing in. A WAS has issues of their own to deal with and so I deal with her existence by focussing on my H and being a supportive friend to him. That's what RollercoasterRider once posted that the MLCer really needs. I don't ever bring her up when H and I are together- he should focus on me when we're together and I couldn't mention her in any way that wouldn't make him feel bad, so since I don't want him to feel bad when we see each other, aubergine goes off the menu. does that answer the question? IMO you need to decide on your boundaries. If the OW is a deal-breaker for you, detach and move on now. if not and you see her as a symptom of something deeper in BF, settle in for the long-haul (as Jody said to me). Oh, and you also mentioned on my thread that you're not sure if he's still seeing her. I think you need to assume he is until he tells you it's off, otherwise you'll drive yourself mad thinking about it and wondering.....
Originally Posted By: Ali
I am surprised he wants to go for a drink with me, feels kind of freaky and wierd.
I think I mentioned this above but my post has become so long that I can't remember. I don't think it's wierd- it's just an easy thing to do, and on neutral territory.
Hi Ali, yes think we must have cross posted over our last posts. I only use two fingers! Well now, I like both Kalni's and Lisa's posts. Very much!. I thought Jodies advice had been thrown away as of yesterdays post? Not strange about meeting for a drink using my non involved eyes.Quite straight forward esp. for a bloke, he can kill 2 birds with one stone! He is already out, suits his time schedule, maybe saves having to let g/friend know where he is and with whome. He can exit pub quicker than leaving from your place should he need a quick get away. Don't waste this window of opportunity IF you are serious about what you want. Don't take the soft option with the hope that the next meeting you will say xyz... whatever 'cos there may not be a next time or the momentum will have passed. I am beginning to think you would be lost with out all the will he call,contact reply drama in your life. You would have no reason NOT to move forward and put your pain to bed. So at the risk of being harsh I will type what it all boils down too,baring in mind Kalni's great post. PUT up or Shut up? Only you can decide. Try doing the run through in your mind and see how comfortable you are with each senoria. See him and speak what's in your heart and mind-no holding back.The full painful brutal truth-done kindly. Ask your questions. OR Agree the meeting and do the pussyfooting around talk about absolutely nothing of any importance to you, make him laugh and then live in hope he will reply to your next text, call whatever for how ever long it takes him to agree to meet up at your place-baring in mind it may take months or never happen. He obviously thinks you are fine that the rel. is over and he has a new g/f. Your actions tell him that. How is he to know otherwise. Meeting up , joking, funny texts all confirm that he can breath a sigh of relief that you made it so easy for him. Eventually it will be too late to cover old wounds and you will be left asking what if's and why for a very long time.Not healthy especially when you had your chance and blew it as they say. Your choice, how badly do you want to know why, cos this is maybe the only chance you will get.Use it or loose it as they also say. We are here whatever you decide. ((()))
ps, my cat sleeps under the covers when its a very cold night. I have the scars to prove it.
I see Lisa posted before I hit my send post, but we seem to be on much the same wavelength, cept she says it so much better. You can tell my northern roots surface at times, spades a spade.
I am totally confused. I did go to the doctor last night abuot my iron count (I'm tired and breahtless a bit again) and also, about being depressed.. he dished out a prescription for ADs, but I am still loathe to start taking them. I dont know. So, yes, maybe I have lost my confidence/strenght and feel a bit crap/rubbish and thats why whenever I thikn of what I might say to him (and yes naej.. rehearse it in my mind) I just all go to pieces and wonder if I can actually do it.
i'm not so sure Naej - "He obviously thinks you are fine that the rel. is over and he has a new g/f. Your actions tell him that" anymore than Lisa's H? Its a bit more complicated than that and he'd have to be an android to think I was ok about it, he knows I was devastated. Why do you think he never told me about her? Beucase he knew how gutted I would be.
I also dont think it will be the only chance I get. Definetly not. It might be the only chance I get right now.. but then, there will be other chances, and as time goes by, we will both be less emotional, it will get easier to talk about it but it will also become less relevant. Like Lisa pointed out, what WAS would want to explain themselves a year after they left?
I want to see him, i dont want to have a rubbish fake convo about nothing, I want to have him in my life, as a friend at least at some point (too soon for that?) I would like him to engage with me on some remorseful level, but I suspect he wont want to, i dont want it to be awful and painful and him react badly and then not agree to see me agein, I dont want to pretend I am ok about Helen.. all of these things dont seem to fit together, if you see what I mean, I cant square the circle.
Lisa - I wasnt planning on mentioning Helen. Any convo we had that was more real/emotional i would prefer to be about me and him and what the hell all that contact was about in the summer. I dont want to give her credence by mentioning her and I am sure he wont be comfortable discussing it either. I agree that I expect he will say, i dont know, or frown alot and then leave early, if I do try and ask him anything.
My goal? To see him again. Not to lose contact. That was my goal back in February! I dont want her to have 'won'. Why should she have him all to herself and I dont even get to have him as my friend, after all we've been through?
BUT.. its too soon to be his friend as I still love him - but will be interesting to see how I feel about him when I see him in the flesh.
I would like to be chatty, funny and attractive and show him what he is missing and make him regret his decision - thats my foolish pride.
In fact, I would rather act as-if and knock his socks off and be strong and confident, than sit there hurt and weepy and telling him what he has done to me and asking questions that i know he wont answer.
So there, seem to have answered my own question. Damn, i wasnt expecting to feel like this!
Aha Ali, see what a bit of good cop / bad cop can do? Yes you answered your question. This is far from over and you are still DB ing, you still have expectations. You still have a goal and a kind of plan as to how you will achieve it.
BTW I didn't mean that your x didn't at the time know how devestated you were about the break up, just that a year on he will be assuming that you are now fine and over making it difficult for him by being such a girl and wanting to analyse why etc. I think there is another way to ask the questions than being all weeepy, calm and controled would do, but that is hard when you have expectations and a goal. " Why should she have him all to herself and I dont even get to have him as my friend, after all we've been through" Be careful on this one, you have just experienced where this can go. What if he marries her? Hope it goes as you want it too. I am not saying no expectations because you have a ton of them so just be careful.
Aha Ali, see what a bit of good cop / bad cop can do? Yes you answered your question. This is far from over and you are still DB ing, you still have expectations. You still have a goal and a kind of plan as to how you will achieve it.
BTW I didn't mean that your x didn't at the time know how devestated you were about the break up, just that a year on he will be assuming that you are now fine and over making it difficult for him by being such a girl and wanting to analyse why etc. I think there is another way to ask the questions than being all weeepy, calm and controled would do, but that is hard when you have expectations and a goal. " Why should she have him all to herself and I dont even get to have him as my friend, after all we've been through" Be careful on this one, you have just experienced where this can go. What if he marries her? Hope it goes as you want it too. I am not saying no expectations because you have a ton of them so just be careful.
How would any new b'f feel about this close frienship with an x do you think. Or would this frienship prevent you from moving ahead. This is in the future but just wanted to pose these hypothetical questions.
I want to share some song lyrics with you today that I think are very applicable to your situation. I have been clinging to every word of this song and I hope you will too.
Wake up to the sunlight With your windows open Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken Wear your red dress Use your good dishes Make a big mess and make lots of wishes Have what you want But want what you have And don't spend your life lookin' back
Chorus: Turn up the music Turn it up loud Take a few chances Let it all out You won't regret it Lookin' back from where you have been Cuz it's not who you knew And it's not what you did It's how you live
So go to the ballgames And go to the ballet And go see your folks more than just on the holidays Kiss all your children Dance with your wife Tell your husband you love him every night Don't run from the truth 'Cause you can't get away Just face it and you'll be okay
Chorus: Turn up the music Turn it up loud Take a few chances Let it all out You won't regret it Lookin' back from where you have been Cuz it's not who you knew And it's not what you did It's how you live
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy And pray for the grieving E'en when you don't think that you can 'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you So think of your fellow man Make peace with God and make peace with yourself 'Cause in the end there's nobody else
Chorus: Turn up the music Turn it up loud Take a few chances Let it all out You won't regret it Lookin' back from where you have been 'Cause it's not who you knew And it's not what you did It's how you live
Live Ali. Get your closure and really live, for YOU!!!! BF will do what he will do, you can not see into his mind, you can not decide based on what he does or doesn't do or say. He is living for himself and you must do the same thing.
Meet him for a drink. Trust me, saying what you need to say is much better in a public venue. The people surrounding you are paying no attention to what is going on but it will give you both security in knowing that the emotion won't progress to a heightened level either. Your internal self-control gauge will stop that.
Lisa and naej have both given you invaluable advice and I am of the same opinion. JUST DO IT!
Last edited by mishka422; 11/18/0803:42 PM.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
he dished out a prescription for ADs, but I am still loathe to start taking them. I dont know.
Al- take them. Please. He wouldn't give them to you unless he thought they'd help you; firstly they cost money, and secondly it'd be against the Hippocratic Oath to do so. You can come off them in the future, but if you need them, take them.
Originally Posted By: Ali
So, yes, maybe I have lost my confidence/strength and feel a bit crap/rubbish and thats why whenever I thikn of what I might say to him (and yes naej.. rehearse it in my mind) I just all go to pieces and wonder if I can actually do it.
I think this is because you're putting too much emphasis on a single meeting. Think of it as a marathon rather than a sprint. A single meeting won't have a huge bearing on the outcome, but a series of positive steps will. it's like the premiership season vs the FA Cup Final.
Originally Posted By: Ali
i'm not so sure Naej - "He obviously thinks you are fine that the rel. is over and he has a new g/f. Your actions tell him that" anymore than Lisa's H?
Hmmm, I'd say here that my H clearly thinks it's over if we're judging by his current actions. The point is that when the WAS leaves, and until they say something conclusive to indicate a change of heart, they've gone. It's hard to accept, especially when they're in constant contact, but that's the way you have to think to remain detached.
Originally Posted By: Ali
he'd have to be an android to think I was ok about it, he knows I was devastated. Why do you think he never told me about her? Beucase he knew how gutted I would be.
In that case you don't need to tell him again.....
Originally Posted By: Ali
I also dont think it will be the only chance I get. Definetly not. It might be the only chance I get right now.. but then, there will be other chances, and as time goes by, we will both be less emotional, it will get easier to talk about it but it will also become less relevant.
I totally agree!
Originally Posted By: Ali
I want to have him in my life, as a friend at least at some point (too soon for that?) I would like him to engage with me on some remorseful level, but I suspect he wont want to, i dont want it to be awful and painful and him react badly and then not agree to see me agein, I dont want to pretend I am ok about Helen.. all of these things dont seem to fit together, if you see what I mean, I cant square the circle.
Whoa!!! I was trying to work out where to stop the quotation on this sentence but then I realised I couldn't. This sentence is SO reflective of what's going on in your head......
Originally Posted By: Ali
I want to have him in my life, as a friend at least at some point (too soon for that?)
You want him as a friend- good goal. But then you immediately ascribe a worry/concern to the goal. is it too soon? Am I asking for too much? A good goal doesn't have feelings/worry ascribed to it. Just state the goal. You want him as your friend. Yes, now is too soon, but that doesn't mean being friends shouldn;'t be a goal. if you were friends, how would you both behave towards each other? What babysteps are you looking to generate?
Originally Posted By: Ali
I would like him to engage with me on some remorseful level, but I suspect he wont want to
same thing as the previous goal- a goal followed by a worry about why it might not happen. if you want him to say sorry, why is that? To make you feel better maybe? Saying sorry is usually hard and makes you feel guilty so I doubt he'll be wanting to have to say it, especially as he knows he hurt you. also, you are ASS-U-ME-ing he won't want to. No ASS-U-ME-ing remember?!!
Originally Posted By: Ali
My goal? To see him again. Not to lose contact. That was my goal back in February! I dont want her to have 'won'. Why should she have him all to herself and I dont even get to have him as my friend, after all we've been through?
The first sentence- to see him again is a good goal. And is the medium term goal to build a friendship, and the long-term goal to rebuild the R? Be careful about phrasing goals as negatives (eg to NOT lose contact). That sets the goal up from a position of weakness, of you needing something. A goal of 'maintaining regular contact' would be a better way to think of it. same thing about her not 'winning', although I'm guilty of that one myself. BF isn't a prize you're fighting for. YOU are the prize and you fighting for this shows it. Think of him being lucky to win you.
Originally Posted By: Ali
BUT.. its too soon to be his friend as I still love him - but will be interesting to see how I feel about him when I see him in the flesh.
Somehow I doubt that you'll suddenly not love him. Also, at the risk of being contrary, you can be friends even if you love someone. You just have to change your EXPECTATIONS of the R.
Originally Posted By: Ali
I would like to be chatty, funny and attractive and show him what he is missing - thats my foolish pride.
The situation is difficult- it's not surprising that you're worried and concerned about the outcome.