Sorry you're feeling down today and isolated. If I was a bit closer by I'd pop in for a cup of tea. I'm also sad that you feel like you've come to the end of the road. have you definitely decided it's over then? I know you're not DBing any more, but was just thinking about it not being over until YOU decide it is, and all that....
Anywa, I hope he's called you back and you're on the phone to him right now, or failing that you manage to get him to commit to meeting up for a chat. I can imagine it's going to be hard as he'll be feeling pressured to do it, and the WAS typically doesn't like that, especially if he generally avoids difficult conversations.
Tomorrow's another day. Good news on being busy with work though! I find it an excellent distraction!
Hey Naej.. perhaps we cross posted! I did call him.. and yesterday, no answer both times! Guess I go back to waiting, or I give up, whichever happens sooner.
Hey Lisa! I dont think I have decided its over, it just is over? I havent seen him for nearly 3 monhts, the entire time he is seeing someone else. He basically left me, for her. So he must have pretty strong feelings for her. And now he got what he wanted. Albeit, he was in a bad way (proper, bonafide depressed!) when he made hte decision to date her and he is having a nasty Pluto - Venus/Pluto transit, but I digress.
I see that phrase alot here.."its not over until YOU decide it is" and I dont understand it, honestly. Can you explain it?! If he's now with someone else, and I dont see him and he's going forwards with his life with a new gf.. isnt that over?? Regardless of if I choose to hang on and love him from a distance!?
There are vague, nebulous positives, if I want to go down that route..tempered here with reality...he's never mentined our joint finances (but hes lazy/avoidant) he's never hinted at selling (see above and also, the market is dodgy), he's still emailing (very minimal) he has called twice for a long chat (hmm, not sure why that is! obligation?) he made excuses about "being crap on email" because he is out on site and not been texting me, because he had a new phone and not seen me, because he had been tired.. So, is he trying to keep me sweet/dangling, or, just appeasing his guilt and "saying what I want to hear" as he said he did at the bomb, because thats what he does, he is an avoidant coward and its easier to say.. yeah, yeah, give you a call.. than tell me, no, I dont want to, I dont give a r*ts *rse about you anymore? (no, I dont know either).
I'm sure some on the boards would maybe be glad of these 'baby steps'...but its a year later and its STILL just me and the cat and I miss having someone to warm my feet on in bed...
Congrats on making it to this milestone. I know it sucks to be here, but here is where you are, my dear.
Keep going forward.
I can't say it enough, but I'm glad you called and when you do speak w/ him, pin him down to a time. Again, you can give him options, but don't put up w/ his "we'll meet soon" BS b/c he's proven that is all that it is.
Also, if you need to send an e-mail, attach one of those receipt things so you'll know when he's opened it up. He can't hide or caller ID that one, now can he?
Finally, you mentioned you miss having someone to warm your feet at night - have you thought of socks or even shoving the cat under the comforter? Socks are good, but all that fur would surely keep you warm, if you can stand the claws as well. Just a thought.
Also, if you need to send an e-mail, attach one of those receipt things so you'll know when he's opened it up. He can't hide or caller ID that one, now can he? Some geek info: If the sender of the email requests a "read receipt" or a "received receipt", the email recipient can elect to NOT grant said receipt to the sender. Requesting a receipt can be viewed as passive-aggressive.
Hey, really?? I always wonderd how that worked! Ok, wont try that then, thanks for the tipoff. Hi SirPrize, I follow your sitch closely, you must be one of the strongest around here!
Hey Rob.. oh, no, cat in the bed?? Shes way too fluffy for that!
Slept badly again, as in, woke up early hours twice. I just woke up angry! It just hit me, I dont know if I even want to be his d*mn friend now. This is getting ridiculous. I could forgive and forgive, but enough is enough. Its gone mid November and he still wont speak to me/see me. He either really doesnt care about me at all, and doesnt care to say anything to me about her and apologise, or he is supremely selfish (or as my RL people say, he has no idea how much this meeting/talk means to you or how much you have suffefed because you never told him and you have hid it well). Which is true.
He may not get my phone message straught away, or for a while, I dont know, he once told me he doesnt check them much. He did get my text on Sunday and ignored that.
I guess I should ignore him now (how do you detach/ignore someone who is already ignoring you!?)
Good Morning!! He is not doing it to you. You are doing to yourself... You can accuse him for leading you on until he fell for someone but you cant accuse him for staying away from you the last months.
What would you prefer? To keep spending time together etc etc UNTIL when? His reaction is not a surprise. It's understandable. He is involved with someone and his ex grilfriend who he cares about on some level, cant be part of his everyday life. Is that so strange?
If you cant ask for what you want, if you cant express it, demand it, then why on earth should he "sense" what you want and offer it to you? We've discussed this. People tend to run away from any uncomfortable situations. He is not going to be proactive for you. You have to take care of yourself.
I dont get the fear and the panick after a whole year. You have been living alone, you yourself said you have done a great job with that, what is it that scares you and keeps you from doing the last act to liberate yourself from him? Is that what it is? You dont want to finally "break free"? It's never over till you say so. That's is exactly what it means. You can linger emotionally for ages... Is that what you want? Love always K
I'm telling you, this universe is one sick puppy...
So, I'm done, I'm angry, I want to ignore him, then I get a bl*&dy text message AT THAT MOMENT..
"Hiya. Got your message last night. Bowling in town tonight - fancy meeting afterwards for a drink?"
Bowling in town? Proabably a work thing. Hmm.. theres something kind of restrained about his message. I half wondered if he would crack and want to see me, as I have phoned him at home twice uninvited and texted Sunday lunchtime.. all times he could be with her, and maybe thats awkward for him. But then going for a drink is positive in terms of friendship, thats not just him coming over for an hour to do the minimum to appease me.
I only ever once saw him on a Tuesday night this year. Think this must be 'safe' for him.. he can tell the gf he is out with workmates for bowling and a drink.. but slot me into that.
Oh, not feeling thrilled about seeing him. Wonder why? Feel tired and ground down. Supposed I should accept! Hmm.. a drink in town. So.. question is, do we 'just' chat.. or do I lay it all on him this first meeting???
Hey, Ali, I'm still awake and now you're up! Good morning! (Well, *technically* it's morning here, although it's still pitch-dark outside, 'cause it's only 3:30 a.m., and as far as I'm concerned, it's not *really* morning until sunrise!)
I had to laugh about the whole cat in the bed thing! I am a COMPLETE cat fanatic, have had cats all my life (we currently have 3)! When I was growing up, one of our cats (a darling Siamese) just LOVED getting under the covers with me! Especially when I was sick, oddly enough, but he was a great comfort to me. I miss having someone to warm my feet on in bed too. Even though he's right there sleeping next to me, I can't touch him. Best I can do is move over to the warm spot on his side of the bed when he gets up.
I try not to think about this too much, but I have a story for you. One night (a number of years ago) I got into bed shortly after H, so he was still awake (he can fall asleep faster than anybody else I know--literally 10 seconds between talking and snoring!--under the right circumstances!). So, I got into bed and snuggled up next to him, as was usual (until the bomb), and he immediately jumped out of bed and started walking back and forth around the room, with a hint of a smirk. I said, "WHAT are you doing??" He said, "Looking for the bucket of ice water that you put your hands and feet in before you go to bed!"
So, hope that starts your day off properly, with a smile! Here's some more for you!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Oh, not feeling thrilled about seeing him. Wonder why? Feel tired and ground down. Supposed I should accept! Hmm.. a drink in town. So.. question is, do we 'just' chat.. or do I lay it all on him this first meeting???
You've been wanting this meeting with him to 'let go' and 'be honest' for WEEKS. Every time I've come to visit recently there's been discussion about getting the meeting, needing to see the look in his eyes, needing to tell him how you feel, needing to speak to him so you can close the chapter and move on and so on!
And NOW, he says he can meet and instead of saying 'yes' and then doing what you yourself have been saying that you need to do for you, you're asking whether you should just not do it?! Why?! So you can prolong your own agony by waiting for the next meeting and not getting the things you need for another week, or two weeks, or three?! I am TOTALLY confused!!
Please, please, please, if you really feel that telling him how you feel is the ONLY way you can move on and get some detachment, DO IT. You know yourself and your situation best. My take from reading the discussions here is that you believe this is the right thing to do now (??)
I hope you don't think I'm being overlay harsh here. I'm thinking of you and trying to support your goals, but after reading your last post I'm totally confused about what your goal is. I think you have two options....
1. Continue to DB. Work on the friendship. Accept what he can give you at the moment and plan a LONG TERM strategy of looking the other way while whatever is playing out with him plays out.
OR
2. Decide that you're NOT DBing any more. Say what you need to say to him. Do the Last Last Resort if you're at that stage. Meet him, tell him how you feel and how you're hurt. Be prepared for him to withdraw, OR for him to feel that the slate has been wiped clean and he can be your friend. I have no idea how he'll react.
You know yourself, and him best. Decide on a course of action and follow it. To quote Helen Keller, we can do anything we want as long as we stick to it long enough. I'll support whichever course you choose and am online today if you want to talk through the discussion, and if you decide to have it.
Thinking of you. (And sorry if I was harsh- I'm using my science voice today).
We've been exchanging texts this morning. I have been witty (I've been having a laugh with my BMF and the boys at college, i tried a text out on them and they all burst out laughing, so I sent that!) Also, been doing a bit of flirting with the 21 year old, T, we were discussing the merits of goats milk - he says he gets all claggy on cows milk, like me. See, we have so much in common, despite the age gap!
Um, in answer to your question.. I dont feel 'safe' to do it in public, I feel its the sort of convo I would rather have at home. Also, yes it was what I wanted, but when it comes down to it, I, like the WAS am perhaps a giant coward and 'cant face it'. I dont know what to say, how to say it, or how he'll reaact.
Either I try a few tentative things (like, its been hard to not see you for 3 months, hows it going with helen!?) or I tell him whatever I want, or, like you say, I go easy this time and let him be more comfrotable for a 'frist' meeting and then try and have a heart to heart at the next meeting, possibly if he will agree to come to the house. This was Jody's suggestion, he wont want to go there the first time you meet up, you'd need to see him and have a stress free meeting the first time, as its been so awkward being out of contact.
I dont know, I was desperate to have it out with him, but maybe I'm too cr*p, afraid of his reaction to do it? Which is daft isnt it. I wanted to ask you a question, I'll post on your thread. Thanks for your help!
Ohh. and the other thing that has thrown me, is he really meant what he said about meeting for a drink. I thought he would just come to the house to have a cup of tea with me and a chat (as I have done with ex's). I am surprised he wants to go for a drink with me, feels kind of freaky and wierd. I've never been for a drink with an ex when then dating the man I ran off with and he didnt go for a drink with his ex when he started seeing me. But then, neither of us have been with anyone else for 9 years either, so cant compare I guess.
Good morning! (Well, *technically* it's morning here, although it's still pitch-dark outside, 'cause it's only 3:30 a.m., and as far as I'm concerned, it's not *really* morning until sunrise!)
