Partner left after 9 years - writing a novel!

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Ali,
I hope you are doing well today! I tried to post to you about an hour after your response to my last post, but the site was being squirrelly and taking forever to load, so I gave up for the moment. No big deal, and I got to see that several other people concurred with what I said last, so that's always gratifying!

So, what I was going to say is--

WOw, you know Dawn, I've met so many brilliant people this year, real, kind, open, interesting people, you being one of them!

Awww, that's so sweet of you! Thank you for the compliment!

I've made new friends and got onto much deeper levels with my existing ones and I reconnected with my 2 aunties. Its all so positive and none of it would have happened without him leaving me.

I think this happens to most of us LBS's, especially those of us dealing with MLC'ers. The bomb forces us to reevaluate everything about our lives--our values, our behavior, our friends, our attitudes, our beliefs.... We may have been shanghaied onto this roller coaster, but at least we can take advantage of the trip!

Thankyou so much for your post, you made me laugh!

Oh, I'm glad to hear that! I was worried that I might make you upset or angry, and I really didn't want to do that!

I always felt so lucky and blessed that he was mine. I was so proud to be at his side. He used to say the same about me.

Yup, same here. But the way mine is acting towards me these days, I wouldn't go on a second date with him! At least yours will talk to you (occasionally) without total suspicion and dislike. I mean, if you had to choose between talking to the person you love only once in a while but having those interactions be relatively good, vs. having frequent brief but unpleasant interactions...which would you choose? <sigh> Sorry, this thread isn't supposed to be about ME!

Anyway...I thought ITH had good suggestions/points for you to think about. Also, from your response, it sounds to me like he will change between R's on a dime (um, not that you have dimes over there...shilling, maybe? What's your smallest-diameter coin??). I'm not convinced that switching R's so fast is a healthy thing to do, but...if he NEEDS to be in a R, then he may suddenly pop back onto your radar again with little or no notice. BUT...don't pin your hopes on that! Remember, no expectations, and DO get on with your own life--don't stay stuck in the same place he left you! (Not that you have...just keep on going forward!) And in regards to contact with him...act "as if" you are friends.

Good job with the e-mail! Good, good! Now, try to focus on your GAL activities and not what he may or may not be doing...you have a tendency to "analysis paralysis," and it will help if you can knock that inclination down a few notches. You are doing better, though! Remember, what is important right now is ALI! Concentrate on making her the best ALI she can be!

How's the novel coming along? What's your word count? Have you posted your count on your NaNo page and customized it to your preferences? Have you been to that write-in yet, or when will that be?

Hope you are having a good day! Take care of ALI!

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

My 2 cents or 2 pents as the case may be ..... I totally agree with Dawn. (Thanx Dawn, you post really hit home for me!)!

Ms M.,
<bows> Always glad to be of service! I'm glad I could help, and thank you for the words of appreciation!

Are there any other cheese tunnels other than contacting or not contacting?? If there are please let me know???

Well, you could try "sort of" contacting, but I'm not sure what that would look like. Maybe like "sort of" pregnant.

Peace,
Dawn

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

I'm glad you seem to be doing better, but I'm still concerned that you are obsessing over his "relationship" w/ "her." I see to notice you frequently mention his being w/ "her" in your posts, even when you are claiming to not care any more.

Also, you have ZERO idea if he is or isn't in another relationship, but you still keep analyzing his actions and words to say that he must still be w/ her.

You wrote:

I accept he's gone. He is obviously still with her as he sounds like he is doung ok, and I know him, he would be down and mopey and wilting if they had broken up and he was single. He cant be on his own. He transferred his love from me to her (and was depressed in the gap until she started dating him), from his exGF to me (we got together the day they broke up) and before that, at 22, he was single and miserable after someone dumped him!

This does concern me as your friend as I see you as still focusing on HIM rather than on you. Remember, your analysis of him is causing paralysis in your life. You've got to find a way to not care.

Also, you've said previously that he's a "great catch" but honestly what is so great about a catch that sucks the life out of you and is incapable of being on his own? Doesn't sound like much of a catch if you are able to step away and examine it objectively. Instead it sounds like a lot of unnecessary work to me.

I hope I don't upset you w/ this post, but I'm concerned that you still seem to be hanging on to him even while you are telling us you are "over him" and that you've accepted "he's gone."

Go to work for you and you alone. Do your best to stop focusing on what his is or isn't doing and who is or isn't seeing. It doesn't seem to help you move forward...at least not at the healthy pace you need to be moving at.

Again, just my opinion and I've been wrong before (just ask my XW...or better yet look at my missing all of her flaws a long time ago).

Take care and keep going, love.

RTL

[Kalni]

So, when you are flying down? And get the tickets for that comedian back, say you made a freaking mistake and you will get him a pair of socks instead... LOL!!
K
In..., Out!!!
In..., Out!!!

Keep breathing till you get it right girlfriend...

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Rob, nice to see you! But, when did I claim I was over him !!??

No, I still cry now and then! I'm not over him yet, but I do accept he is with her and I do believe that he is, although you all say I am assuming. Things may have cooled/not be serious though, I cant know. But yes, I am curious! I dont want him to be happy and in love, he should be miserable and missing me! LOL.

As for the jumping from one to the other, he did get his own flat this year, which is big for him, he's never lived on his own before, always with friends (true Leo!) and he had the chance to share a house with a mate, but he deliberately got his own place. So I think he is a little healthier, but yes, he still has alot of issues!

Yes, I do still love him, but I'm not living in hope anymore. Its all a process hey...

K...only if its a weekend that suits you! Last weekend in November? I'll FB you... Yeah, I love that comedian, when I bought the tickets I hoped we would be going together. Grr! I bet he's forgotton actually...

[Purr]

Hi Ali,

I have missed you! Been a long time since I posted, I kind of dropped out of things for awhile. I have been thinking about you and others on the board and have been catching up on some posts and reading over the last week or so. So sorry to hear about where you find things to be at this point in your situation. It sucks. It really, really sucks!!

One of the things I have always appreciated about you is your candid and forthright telling of your experience here. I see you pulling pieces together for yourself in this--meeting new people, having navigated different jobs and supported yourself, coping with all the insanity of tenants and mortgages--and all of this in the midst of some incredibly dark and daunting times in your life. That says a lot about the kind of person you are and the genuine qualities you bring, Ali.

I think it would be very hard to not have thoughts about him and imagine what is happening. In your sitch, as with mine, there is so much unknown about the why's and wherefores of it all. I get stuck in this all the time, so I know what this can be like, and it is hard to steer away from it--very, very hard. One thing is to make sure you are gentle with yourself as you go through such painful times. Please don't lose sight of this part; it is very important to keep coming back to.

I'll post an update on my thread, but I'm just laying low still for a little while. There's not been too much to say. But I wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, wondering how you're doing and where you are in this journey (wretched though it is).

Do take care,

Purr

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Purr... thats so wierd, I pulled up the last 7 days list and I thought of you! I had this feeling, I wonder whatever happened to Purr? Then, I checked my thread and there you were! How strange! Its so great to hear from you, I'd love to hear your update too. I hope things are a bit improved for you.

Thanks for pointing that out, I guess I am pretty honest here! All those convos we had way back when... I didnt know that there was an ow in the wings! Did you catch the bit about her being horrible though !? I struggled with that one for a while..she must be 'better' than me, why would you leave for someone worse, or the same? But she's not better, shes just different. I guess he just felt compelled to change his life.

We are back in touch now, tentitavely and I am lucky in that he has never mentioned our joint finances and property! He's happy to leave it all as is. So thats a relief. I do miss him still, but not as accutely.

[dl443322]

Hey Ali, how is the novel coming along? And that is a huge positive regarding the finances. It is good to know that while we still miss our mates, the intensity does diminish somewhat.

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

You are right as I misspoke and you haven't said you were over him. You have said "he's gone" however. I was thinking that and said the other.

In any event, I'm just worried about the energy he gets from you still. It seems to keep you from allowing yourself to move forward like you need to for yourself. I could be wrong, but it just feels like he's still being allowed to control your emotions and thoughts.

I'm just hoping you'll be able to move for you and no longer worry or speculate about the things you can't control -- mostly him and what he's doing, feeling, etc.

Sorry if I upset you a bit as that wasn't the attempt. I'm genuinely concerned and I wish there was something that could make you able to move forward w/out wondering where he's at.

I'm always in your corner and let me know if I'm stepping over the line, ok?

Love ya, kid.

RTL

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Rob, thats fine! I appreciate you being on my side. I just wanted to check I hadnt said I was over him had I!? Gosh I wish that I was. I'm sick of feeling like this, but it does still hurt.

I still need to see him in order to move on and eventhen I cant guarantee that it would work or even make me feel better. I need that lightbulb moment.. I've had it before with ex's, you really do wake up one morning and realise that you dont love them anymore. But that hasnt happened yet.

That happened with guys though that had treated me badly. I guess my RL people would argue that he has.. but did only AFTER we split up and that is fair enough isnt it, but he was loving and kind within the R.

I miss him very much. Its Friday night and I am in, alone, again. I talked to and texted a good few people today, but I am still finding it hard to break into other peoples established lives. I imagine that he is with her, having a nice evening. And I do feel envious. My loss was her gain.

He didnt reply to my email. That show is on Sunday night, looks like I wont be going. I said I would know by August which way its going and I would know by mid November how things had turned out..

His BMF gf, lets call her Sian, texted today and invited me to band night next Thursday, so if another week goes by and I dont see him, I guess I will get a 3rd installment of her honesty then.